When a family loses a child, the world as they once knew it changes forever. Nothing anyone can say or do can help a parent through the emotional and physical emptiness that they feel, but their grief is magnified by the publicity involved when a child dies suddenly. Why is it that people are so curious about the details, ask odd questions, and seem drawn to tragedy?
On July 15, 2008, two of my sons, Stephen and Vincent, drowned while on a camping trip with their father and friends. Stephen jumped off a bridge and Vincent swam out from shore to save him but couldn't, and they perished together. I feel that the news media went too far, and we are not even celebrities. It is hard to imagine what John and Kelly Travolta have had to endure because of their celebrity status. At a time when a parent's privacy should have been respected, the media jumped on the tragedy and comments started to fly questioning the manner of death, putting a shadow on Jett's life with his family.
Our tragedy was no different. After getting their hands on a school yearbook, local newspapers called Vincent's old girlfriend, because they were listed as best couple. They informed her right there on the phone, a young girl, that he had died. They called another young girl who didn't know while she was on vacation in Florida, and took a statement from her while she was in shock. Another newspaper went to an elderly Grandfather's home and informed him of his two grandsons' deaths. He was absent from their lives for years, but went on and on about them; he stated that Stephen didn't have a job, but the people at Rite Aid knew better. They showed the rescue boat on television carrying their bodies and there were pictures of the boat in the papers. There were pictures of my sons all over that I never saw before. People actually came up to me and asked me why Vincent was not able to save Stephen. Imagine? To me, he died a hero for trying to save his little brother!
My friends were telling me that my sons' deaths were all over the news. They were my flesh and blood. They were dead. What were people saying about them? I couldn't bear to listen but I had to. I found out that they were quoting people saying that Stephen was a "wild child". He was 19 years old and of my four sons he was my most emotional and caring child. Stephen jumped off a bridge. His Uncle Told me that the night before, he dove off a rock and had it been an Olympic dive it would've gotten a ten! Boaters stopped and clapped for him. This gave him the confidence to try to jump off the bridge. He had no perspective up there in the middle of nowhere, as looking down all you could see was water. Did they think he did it intentionally? As their Mother, I felt as though I had to tell someone, I had to protect my sons! NO! Stephen did not do it on purpose to kill himself. The news van pulled up in front of my house the day after they died. My brother wanted to tell them to leave, but I didn't know what had been said or who was saying what about my sons, so I felt that even at the saddest time of my life, it was my duty to say something on behalf of my sons. I mustered up every bit of strength I had and with my heart pounding I spoke about my boys. I was left with no choice because of all the publicity caused by the intrigue of their tragic death. I fell asleep that night with my clothes on, the lights on and the television on; early the next morning I woke up to the story on television. As sad as it was, at least my words on television brought a real face to the tragedy, and it seemed only then did the sensationalism of the story end and it dropped off the air and out of print. When people saw my tears, it became too real and the intrigue ended.
Despite it all, I believe the Travoltas will find the strength to carry on through this tragedy because of their loving relationship with their son Jett. They will see him in their minds every day. They will feel peace in their hearts because of their love for one another. It is very distressing to any parent or family that is trying to cope with the physical and emotional pain you feel with the loss of a child to have to deal with publicity created because of the rest of the world's fascination with tragic deaths. Can you imagine how you would feel if this happened to you?
Stephen's birthday was October 10. He would have been 20. Thanksgiving and Christmas went by and there was an empty void in my heart but I felt them there with us. Stephen's dog, Roger, sat by Stephen's drums and howled every night for over a month. But you know, my sons gave me a reason to live while they were alive and now they have given me strength to carry on through their deaths. Although the tears have not stopped, it is because of them that I want to get up every day and keep living. Vincent's 22nd birthday was January 12 and as I sat in his room thinking about him and what he tried to do for his brother, I found this in his notebook. I realize now why I am still here -- I want to make a difference in my world for them both. It is the only way I can ease the pain.
Your World
by Vincent Pitcher
There is one thing,
An object unknown,
Complimentary to us all.
To it we are drawn.
We strive for it,
But can't catch it.
Rest for a bit.
Think of what it really is.
What you want to be.
Then get up,
Look around you,
Absorb your surroundings.
Your life on "Earth",
Do you like what you see?
Then do something!
Make a difference!
Maybe not for the whole world,
But in your world.