This Election Is Tearing My Family Apart
Dear Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain, You are driving a wedge between my parents and me.
This battle between Obama and McCain is now playing out in emails and telephone calls between New York and North Carolina. It started out harmless enough with occasional emails with subject lines like "535 people" and upon reading you discover that this list of no gooders is actually Congress. Then it started to escalate a bit with photos of certain candidates without American flag lapel pins to references to certain candidate's anti-Christian backgrounds. Then it became really heated when veiled and not so veiled references to Hitler surfaced. I had enough. What the heck happened to my parents? When did they suddenly turn into Jesse Helms and Anita Bryant?
I grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania in a household that by all accounts was perfectly ordinary. I don't ever remember politics being discussed, but I do remember as each election passed they would vote with the Republican Party. Not because of any social conservative views, but because they felt that the GOP espoused the same fiscal views. They were fiscal conservatives. I think it rubbed off on me. One of my earliest memories was going to school one day during the re-election campaign of Gerald Ford and his VP Bob Dole carrying a giant inflatable DOLE banana. I used it to beat those Carter-loving classmates of mine into submission. Needless to say that election didn't work out for Ford and to be honest I think I was just more into the theatrics and over sized props.
I always felt I grew up in a well-rounded almost liberal household. We subscribed to the New York Times on Sundays for goodness sakes and made countless trips to the city to see one Broadway show after another. I grew up in a household that appreciated art and music, which I think led both my sister and myself into careers in entertainment. They let me subscribe to Interview Magazine and we always had copies of The New Yorker in the house. Years later, when my mom was getting ready to come visit me in Los Angeles she asked my Dad, "What do we do if Matthew is gay?" And it was my father that responded, "We love him just the same." Needless to say when I picked her up at the airport with a well rehearsed speech about my new life as a gay man set to be given over lunch in a well chosen locale, she was first to put it out there in a nonchalant way. I almost drove off the side of the 405 as she said, "Your father and I already discussed it and we love you very much." When most of my friends were dealing with being ostracized by their families, mine was just about ready to join PFLAG.
I've gone through political changes over the years. I marched and blew whistles in the streets of Los Angeles in opposition to anti-gay initiatives. I went to a few Act Up meetings. I remember spending one Friday night getting on a bus headed to Sacramento to protest at the state capitol. It was the same time that Christo's Pink Umbrellas were up, but unfortunately we left and came back in the dark of night without seeing one of those darn things. I realized that I needed to stand up for my rights even if my other friends were content to sit on the sidelines. I was no true activist by any means, but it was certainly a step up from my over sized prop days.
Fast forward to 2008. I think it's the last eight years of this awful Bush administration that's ramping everyone up. People all over are so tired of these Bush folks and want a CHANGE. Oh Lord, there's that word. To me, I saw it in Barack Obama very early on. It was his speech after winning the primary in Iowa that made me stand up and take notice. Before that it was all about Hillary for me, but as his star began to shine hers diminished in my eyes. I started to read up on his policies and ended up voting for him in our primary here. I was honestly disappointed in his support of that FISA bill, but I understood the politics of compromise in this post-9/11 world. I thought the Democrats did a great job with the convention and was amazed at Michelle Obama and equally blown away and moved by Barack's closing night speech to all those people.
My hopes that my parents might slightly feel the same way were dashed when I called home last Saturday and my mom said, "Oh that Governor Palin. She's so impressive. We are so pleased with McCain's VP pick." I thought, "What the heck? What are they thinking?" I responded as best I could with challenges to Palin's experience and was met with at best disinterest. I followed up days later with a list of things that were revealed about her past including the ethics investigations, her religious views that seem to form her worldviews and her daughter's distraction. My goal was to show how McCain made a flippant choice by paying no mind to his own health concerns in order to appease the right wing. "What if this woman became President?" I said. But alas, no worries from them. They feel that she has the executive background by being Governor to meet the demands of the VP job and I suppose ultimately the presidency. I finally said to them, "You know she doesn't approve of folks like me. She's voted against upholding the rights of Gays in the work force. What if she wants to enact laws against me? What then?" My father responded, "Well she's not going to do that. And if she does, I'll be here to protect you." My father does have a gun, but it's really nothing more than a dusty antique that couldn't be fired. I'm not so sure that's a match against Sarah Palin's arsenal, but I appreciate his effort.
The thing that really gets me is how I see Obama as the right choice to lead this country and they see McCain in the exact same way. I see Obama as ushering in a new era into Washington one that is filled with hope and optimism. Replace Obama with McCain in that sentence and that's my parents feelings. I just don't get it. Was watching too many hours of Fox News to blame? Their unwavering support of McCain has made me honestly take a step back and look at Obama. But instead of making me less supportive or disillusioned, it's only further intensified my support for Barack. I suppose that's the true lesson to learn if any. At the end of the day we can only agree to disagree. It's made me a stronger and more involved person. I'm going to keep fighting the good fight.
They love me and I love them back ten times as much, but until November 4th I say, "Put 'em up!"
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wow, Matt, I can so identify with your story although in my case it is all my family members around me, including my inlaws, who not only are evangelicals but also follow the wonderous musings of Benny Hinn. It is a very isolating experience
Wow. I can't tell you how much I identify with your predicament. I've clashed with my mom, my dad, my brother, aunts, uncles, and cousins over this same issue. I can hardly believe that these people that I love so much are so blind. It's sad and it's upsetting. We've had to call a moratorium on discussing politics, for the sake of our relationships. I just had a falling out with an aunt and uncle about an email they sent. And a few days later, I spent my dad a "spanking" via email over a blatantly racist email that he forwarded to me. It's so maddening that they can't see how wrong they are.
I sympathize. I'm from a small town and my dad's girlfriend thinks Obama is "playing for the other team" so to speak. She thinks the New York Times are connected with al-Qaeda!
My only solace is that, when Obama wins this November, even though they didn't help him...he will help them.
i grew up in a military family. my father, may he rest in peace, was an NCO and a democrat. my sister who is becoming increasingly conservative as she ages won't vote for obama because she thinks he's not experienced enough, although she is heartened that he has chosen biden. she won't vote for mccain because of the palin pick which she finds beyond insulting. so, she's not voting. this is a CPA/MBA who understands what's at stake, mind you. her husband is voting mccain. my other sister, an executive in the finance industry, couldn't tell you who the VP was prior to 2000, but is fully immersed in this campaign for the first time in her life and was, like me, a hillary supporter and now fully embraces obama. my mother, a total progressive who grew up in franco's spain, loathes hillary and thinks she's an albatross on bill's neck and is grateful that america has joined the ranks of civilized nations in nominating obama as the dem nominee. so, we fight about the dems themselves and about the dems vs. the republicans. the only thing we all agree on is that bush was just horrific.
I know the feeling. Today I'll be visiting my grandmother for the first time since I started getting involved on the weekends in voter registration drives on behalf of Obama. My grandmother is one of those types who voted for Bush twice because she thought he stands for her moral values, and even though she has occasionally expressed doubts about the Iraq War, she has no intention of voting for anyone other than McCain. ("I'll vote for McCain until the day I die," she said a few months ago.) It has done no good in the past to point out the obvious errors of this administration to her. Getting into debates with people of this sort is never a fruitful enterprise: their minds are made up and no amount of facts or reasons will sway them from their opinions, shaped by the worst cynics of the GOP. (Luckily, she doesn't mindlessly watch Fauxnews like so many of these types. At least I don't have to listen to regurgitated Bill O'Reilly.) Plus, knowing my grandmother and her smalltown Mississippi Protestant ideas which inform many of her decisions, she would be repelled by voting for anyone who was biracial. It's difficult when you love someone but at the same time view their politics and their ideas as morally and spiritually bankrupt. I'm sure in her mind that's the way she views Obama and his supporters. Stalemate.
The best book around on why people think and choose the way they do is George Lakoff's "The Political Mind". He explains about narratives and buzz words that engage people who share those beliefs, and how the Republicans have been molding the American policial landscape for years.
Mostly Republicans are voting for McCain/Palin because they share an authoritarian, hierarchical world view, and it is fine with them that Bush has expanded the power of the presidency -- it keeps them safe in this unsafe world. Fear is a primary motivator in the conservative thought process.
Progressives on the other hand resonate to the ideas of empathy, responsibility and empowerment. We believe in a govenment that is responsible to the people it serves; that empowers us; is open and truthful with us.
Most people are not fully conservative, nor are they fully progressive. Lakoff's suggestion in talking to others is to find the areas in which they are progressive, and form a common bond with them at that level. The more they identify with their progressive selves, the more likely they will be to identify with a progressive candidate.
You think that's bad. My parents are actually among the 28% who approve of George W. Bush's job performance and watch Fox News all the time.
I love my parents and they love me. But we will never have a meeting of the minds on politics.
My mother and I had been at odds during the primaries, she voted McCain. Thanks to the addition of Sarah Palin my Mom is now voting Obama? Substance differences made little difference for her to start looking at change. It was the idea of a woman as POTUS that did it for her and others of her generation in our neighborhood.
My sympathies but have hope. My mother voted for W twice - first time on my younger brother's urging (he's 19 now) and because she connected with him more than Gore (my mother is similarly non-intellectual, but not anti-intellectual generally - she does sigh and roll her eyes at me sometimes when I go into my logical debate mode tho, primarily because she knows she doesn't stand a chance - I have nothing against gut feelings that inspire one to explore the logic behind the choice, but big decisions based solely on emotions don't hold water with me). She voted for W the second time because "you just don't change generals mid-stream" (I tried to point out that the damn general is the one who led us into the toxic polluted stream, but alas... we wound up not speaking for most of November). This year, she was already supporting Obama before we discussed presidential politics (again on my younger brother's urging - he's distanced himself from his Republican father in the last few years). She's exceptionally proud of the picture I gave her of Barack holding her grandsons.
Have hope. And point out Failin' Palin's fiscal record in Alaska... transforming a town that the 2000 census had at population >6,000 from financially balanced to $22mil debt while still lacking basic infrastructure, and you might make some headway.
I love my country but I love my family FIRST. I would never support anyone or any institution that might do harm to my family! Shame on them.
"IT IS GOD'S WILL" to build a pipeline that will destroy the Alaskan Eco-system.
The war in Iraq "IS A TASK FROM GOD". Obviously her son believes it.
These lines seriously frighten me. This woman WILL become president if McCain is elected because I do not seriously think he will make it through 4 (god forbid 8) years in office.
MATT, trust me...I understand your pain. My mother is from the fabulous 50's (hey, she says that) teen era thinking and she still looks for the good in people. She thinks "a good talkin' to" can resolve most situations. We often are at odds because she doesn't really think these people are as vicious as they actually are. Palin is a product of that close-minded, Anti-Gay, Anti-choice, Anti-peace, meat-eating, pistol-packing, bible-thumping parenting. You can tell. We are all products of upbringing.
Your parents have always been Republicans and you were influenced to be one as well, at one time. Don't judge them because the best part is you aren't like that anymore. We spend so much time trying to change (no insult intended at all) 'Old Dogs' that we forget about those we influence.
Just let them be.
One thing I have come to realize as I get older is that we all vote with those we identify with. Your parents (I'm assuming) dont have school going kids where they would have to worry about creationalism being taught, they dont have to worry about college tuition, or having their kids drafted, gay/lesbian rights. They are past child bearing and abortion/abstinence doesnt apply. They more than likely have either paid off the mortgage or close to.. The things that are of such importance to those in our 30s - 40s, where all the above affects us. All I can hope is that there is more of us, than there is of them so that we can make that change. And for all those issues, as Sen O says, we can find some middle ground if we all learn to give a little. That is such a common sense approach and I know that I will not agree with all he does but at least he has the courtesy to listen. Thats all I ask.
i grew up in the 50's as did most of my friends, and we're all voting for obama. our age is a plus for democrats - we were young when jack and bobby kennedy were still alive, and we remember what hope feels like. there may be more of us than you think.
Great post. I was in the same boat until the Palin pick. It actually turned the rest of my family from lifelong Republicans to voting for Obama. I don't know if it'll stay that way, but for the first time, they are willing to listen to him.
I think it was just a result of the message of his campaign. He cultivated a group of folks who were super hyped on him, and as a result, it seems to have left out a lot of people. Once they were left out, it's hard to get them to tune in again and give him a chance.
McCain, up until recently, would poke at Obama with negative ads, but hasn't really been defined as belonging to any specific type of group. I think he's done that now, and in my case, turned off a lot of my family.
It took a long time for them to get over the previous generation's political battles. They're still fighting the last cycle of battles, welfare, out of control spending, etc. But they're starting to come around to the new battles that await us, corporate responsibility, the green economy, increasing American diversity, and global politics. It takes a while to give up the flame for the old battles!
Matt - Well done. My wife and I face the same problem, her family lives in Pittsburgh, and her mom is "Shiite" Catholic (ie, ULTRA hardcore). She thinks Palin is " plucky and wonderful and will save us". It's gotten so bad we are afraid to visit; we can't talk about anything without igniting a firestorm of anger. It's pretty bad. She sends us emails almost every day about how Obama that are so silly, we laugh at first but then realize that some people on the right are actually buying into some of the most absurd ideas about him, and our parents are a part of it. It's depressing and stressful. Ugggh...I can't wait until November 4th is over. Now please excuse me, I have to go donate some more money to Obama.
What is important for me may not be for you. My solution may be different than yours. You might convice a republican that we need to get out of Iraq, or to support Obama's plan on healthcare or the economy. A republican may convince a democrat that we need less gun control, or that we should use the free market for social secuirty, or we need FISA, ect. But in both cases that repbulcian won't buy into everything democrats stand for , and that democrat won't buy into everything republicans stand for.
Try all you want, but each is side is set in their ways, and the bloggers parents aren't changing. Republicans are good people, and good Americans (I know many of you are cursing me right now). It is true, most everyday republicans love this country and want what is best.
What we need to do (people not just democrats) is listen to the other side before passing judgement, and compromise. That is why the Clinton years worked so well, he knew he needed do concede some things to Gingrich and the republicans and Gingrich knew he needed to concede things to Clinton. They got things accopmlished. Neither side got everything they wanted, but they left the table content with the result.
True, Angelus, we need to listen, but too many republicans at the moment are busy chanting "USA! USA!" to listen. And if Clinton achieved anything it is despite Republican efforts to undercut him from the moment he took office. But yes, Clinton did try to work with the Republicans and did achieve consensus. But, can you name a Republican president who ever listened to Democarats? Bush promised bipartisanship, but promises aside and deeds aside. McCain now promises the same, but we are not going to be fooled this time.
no i completely agree with you matt
all the conventions have done now is push the people and their parties further onto opposite sides of the room. in one single hand the republican convention specifically pushed people on BOTH sides in the extremes of moderate.
and now each side is pointing and screaming at the other.
and nothing is being done about this.
its ridiculous, its scary.
something has to be done about this
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