"I love how you condescendingly 'judged' your friend as someone who isn't growing as a person but that you have just grown so much you are just so far beyond them in 'the race.' Take it from someone twice your age... much more growth is needed... on YOUR part!"
I got this comment on an answer on Quora and I immediately dismissed it.
She didn't know what she was talking about. Had she even read the answer? What had compelled her to comment on an answer by a complete stranger and then give that stranger some advice about life?
She was judgemental in telling me I was judgemental.
But then maybe I was judging her for her judgemental comment.
I wanted to forget it but I didn't seem to be able to. Even though the answer has so many good comments, so many shares, so many upvotes. There was something in me that kept remembering it.
I ignored that for a while. I just brushed her off as an idiot and whenever I thought about it, I laughed. Because, of course, it just wasn't worth thinking about.
Now I think we were both wrong and both right.
We were both wrong because:
• She thought I'd judged my friend and she judged me for that.
• I dismissed her as an idiot and insisted on ignoring the thought in my head that was her comment.
We were both right because:
• She called me out on something I didn't even think I had to be called out on.
• I laughed at what she said.
The comment stuck to me because she was right.
I had judged my friend.
But.
It's deeper than that.
The comment stuck to me not because she was right about me, but because I knew she was right about me.
I knew I could sometimes be a judgemental person. She just helped me to admit to it.
I was right to laugh at the comment because it was a judgemental comment about being judgemental and I am a huge fan of irony.
I was right to laugh at the comment because it's better than taking it personally. It's better than feeling sorry for myself because of it. It's better than getting angry or annoyed or upset.
I was right to laugh at the comment because she was right. I do have much more growth to do. Why isn't that something to laugh about? To be happy about? To be grateful for?
Laughing brings us nicely to the next comment I want to talk about:
"You are such a bad person... how do you tolerate yourself... I don't hate you or anything... I have no right... but by god you must not like yourself either."
I remember being in bed and reading that and laughing and thinking "wow."
Look at it. Please, whatever you do, don't hold back. No, really, there's no need to be so polite.
When I read it I didn't feel even a little bit down. I didn't feel like it was personal. I didn't feel like it had affected me negatively whatsoever.
Because I know I'm not a bad person.
I've made mistakes. Lots of mistakes. I've even made the same mistakes over and over again. But I know I'm a good person.
I certainly don't tolerate myself. What kind of an existence would that be? I do much more than that.
I like myself.
But, then again, maybe he's right. Maybe I don't like myself.
Maybe it's love.
I love myself.
I'm going to write that because I'm going to own it.
I just said it out loud and couldn't help suppressing a smile.
Try it. Tell me what happens.
Both of these comments helped me to realise that haters can help us become self-aware.
The first comment helped me to admit that I do sometimes judge people.
I don't want to judge people. I want to understand people.
So now I can catch myself if I'm judging someone and ask myself to be honest about what's really going on. The more I think about it, the more I think that when we judge others, we're judging ourselves.
The second comment made me laugh because it's so far from the truth. Because I am a good person. Because I do like myself. Because I do love myself.
And that means my opinion of me matters more than anybody else's opinion of me.
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