Iraq Study Group Discussing Many Alternatives to "Stay the Course"

Troops redeploy to hidden desert outposts, tricking insurgents into thinking we've left.
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Shock and Awe didn't work, it only led to Maim and Kill. And repeated promises not to Cut and Run. Now we learn James Baker's task force is considering a number of tactical options to suggest to President Bush. Here are just a few, as revealed in a document leaked to us by someone who repairs shredders:

Run and Hide.
Troops redeploy to hidden desert outposts, tricking insurgents into thinking we've left.

Rock and Roll.
Blast insurgent strongholds with loud music (Gun N' Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" always works) until they cry Noriega.

Bob and Weave.
Attack Falluja one day, Basra the next, keep them off balance.

Stand and Deliver.
Forces stay where they are, distribute gum and cigarettes to grateful Iraqis.

Hem and Haw.
Just talk about vague benchmarks that are always 18 months off.

Shuck and Jive.
Similar to Hem and Haw, but funnier.

Bill and Coo.
Romance 'em.

Sit and Sleep.
Do nothing. Let the next guy (or gal) deal with it.

Swing and Sway.
Come on, everybody, let's dance!

Twist and Shout.
Similar to Swing and Sway, but slightly hipper.

Eat and Run.
Self-explanatory.

Shake and Bake.
Leave, but only because it's "too hot."

Other tactics only alluded to: Pick and Roll, Slap and Tickle, Bump and Run, Slip and Slide, Sit and Spin, Spin and Spell and Scratch and Sniff.

The full report will be delivered to President Bush one minute after the polls close in Hawaii.

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