How To Be Faithful

She walks into the coffeeshop and our eyes immediately meet. I almost fall off my chair because this woman is gorgeous. And to make matters worse the universe is definitely trying to screw with me because judging by the look and smile she just gave me, she's interested.

Did I mention that I'm a happily married man yet? This of course might complicate things... actually it makes this potential minefield quite simple to navigate.

I love my wife, and I will not cheat. Been there, done that. In my past life I made a series of mistakes that left me a divorced man with a wounded and empty soul, that man would have slept with the woman above, most likely five minutes after spotting her walk in to the coffee bar.

So how am I going to escape this cosmic curse of temptation? By following the rules below, they'll never send you in the wrong direction, I promise.

* It's not about just ME (or just YOU) anymore, I'm part of something meaningful and special. If I took her back to her loft and slept with her I would be letting down two people, myself and my wife. And I would be common and average because as my mother always told me, the harder thing to do is always the better thing to do.

* Think of what your life would be like without your current husband or wife. Your present actions are going to dictate your future. Are you truly able to accept the repercussions??? Believe me, you aren't. A long time ago I thought I was, of course I wasn't and pretty much lost everything. I'm hoping you won't.

Let's quickly return to the original relationship danger zone... after she smiles, she comes within in ear shot of my table, I hear her order a double cappuccino in the sexiest, raspy European accent that I have ever heard. She then proceeds to delicately glance at me while she takes her drink from the barista and turns to ask if she can join me... MY LIFE IS NOW OVER!

* Being faithful is easy, cheating is hard. Thought it was the other way around, didn't you? The moment she requested to join me I felt something that in the past I had never felt before: HESITATION! You see cheating is like bungee-jumping without a safety cord, the rush is amazing, until you slam into the bridge and smash that thick skull of yours wide open! The work it takes to be unfaithful is ten times, no, a THOUSAND times harder than the simple task of being a committed partner.

She introduces herself and I feel "my game" completely gone. Because all I can think of are the repercussions of sleeping with this woman. I realize that I am doing something that I had never done in the past: Forward Thinking.

* Remember you took a vow. Whether it's a wedding band, or a long time romance built on caring and trust, a bond is a bond. And while a hot body and a pretty face are nice to gaze at, it's fleeting; your partner's actions, affection and non-judgmental support are far more worthy in the log run.

* Fantasy is a good thing, as long as it doesn't become reality. Now, don't think I'm not able to appreciate the fact that this woman is beautiful, it's not a crime to admire an attractive person, but it is against all laws know to man to act on your desires if you are in a happy and committed relationship.

As I looked into her eyes and told her I was married and thanked her for her company. I also realized I felt no guilt having spent a quick moment with an attractive stranger, no wish to ravish her on top of the table, all I felt was happiness because of my commitment to my wife. For the first time in my life I realized what the real challenge was about being in this situation. The real challenge was NOT SLEEPING with this beautiful woman. And because I like to think of myself as something of an adrenaline junkie, man, do I love challenges. But this one wasn't a "challenge" at all. It became easier and easier when I let the repercussions of sleeping with her dictate my actions.

And, truthfully, my vanilla latte was much more satisfying.

Follow Matt Titus on Twitter: www.twitter.com/matttitus

Comments

[golfgirl]

I hate to be cynical but I think that far too many men interpret a friendly smile or a casual hello as a "come on" when it's coming from a beautiful woman. I guess they're just used to having beautiful women look right through them, because beautiful women tend to do that... and why do they do it? So as not to send the wrong signal. Then, when a beautiful woman does smile...say hello, etc. The guy is convinced she's on the make and really into him. Then he'll congratulate himself for not "letting it go to far" because he's convinced himself that if he hadn't mentioned his wife or if he had removed his wedding band, the beautiful woman would have happily taken him back to her loft for some wonderful, meaningless sex. Quite presumptious, I dare say.

[KatWilder]

Matt, I agree: staying faithful is easier than cheating (although the Internet and all our modern geegaws make it ever so more available) — but only if you let your life speak.

I'm all about fantasy; it's up to each person to decide if it's going to become reality.

[emncaity]

By the way, I canNOT imagine what it would take to forgive a wife or husband for cheating--or to move past it, or whatever one calls it. I can't even get my head around that.

[emncaity]

Infidelity isn't cute, or just a nuisance, or adventurous and naughty, except for people who are self-absorbed and adolescent (in a self-absorbed and adolescent culture).

I've always looked at it this way: The worth of your partner to you is directly proportional to what you're willing to give up to be faithful to her, or him.

[gardener46]

Women are far more forgiving, and maybe that is why males continue to act on ego and selfish motives.

Perhaps men should be held to higher standards, and then the attitude of "boys will be boys" would not so easily be accepted by us all, male and female alike.

Of course, for those who are satisfied with "boys", I guess it's not that big a deal.

[brooklyncitizen]

Women cheat most deifinitely but I could never understand the Lothario or Player mentality or even the "serious temptation" (as this poster describes) to cheat for just a moment of gratification.

If someone is cheating there's got to be something amiss in the relationship and or they are lacking in any emotional maturity.IT is that simple.

[deedrdo]

my brother told me that every relationship is like a garden and it needs tending every day.

he also told me that whenever there is a conflict to be resolved start by assuming that at least 51% of it is your fault.

his wife told me that there are a lot of good days, some really bad days and few perfect days.

i just celebrated 2 years with my honey and not a day goes by that i don't think of this advice.

[Arsenal]

"And I would be common and average because as my mother always told me, the harder thing to do is always the better thing to do."

This is not necessarily true. It's not even evident that it's true in most cases.

I agree that people should not cheat. However, more adults should experiment with open relationships where it does not violate their personal values. If you believe in fidelity, then go all the way and when you eff up, you may want to fess up.

[aimee540]

I can relate to this article. I recently discovered actions taken by my husband which were cheating or at least on the way to cheating. The activities themselves are less hurtful to me as the deceit and secretive nature of his actions. We've been working on our relationship since I discovered his activities. He has expressed a conscious effort to think of me and our relationship when he finds himself attracted to other women. He has been to a counselor who encourages his continued efforts to CHOOSE our relationship.
As for the author's actual or perceived allure to women. It doesn't really matter if it is real or in his head. If he is faced with temptation and chooses not to follow the temptation, he is showing the courage to do exactly what he states in the article. He doesn't give in to the adrenaline rush for a short-time high. Instead he makes the decision that his relationship is important to him and he is not willing to risk it.
Also, some people are able to make "swinging" relationships work or they have "understandings" that they are allowed extra-maritial activities. But the importance in these situations is the equal knowledge on both parties of the "understanding." Neither men nor women should justify failing in their commitment to another person because it's a more "enlightened" age. The other partner may not feel that same enlightenment and the actions will hurt him or her regardless of how the "enlightened" one justifies it.

[wmbear]

YOU AREN'T JUST "BEING UNFAITHFUL" TO THE OTHER PERSON...

You are actually sabotaging the relationship itself -- and this applies to ANY kind of committed relationship, not just to marriage. You cannot maintain real intimacy (physical or emotional) between two people when one of them involves a third party. This is why I cannot understand so-called "open relationships" or "open marriages." What is the POINT of having a one-to-one relationship (or marriage) if it ISN'T. Understand, I am not condemning people who do this. That is their choice. I am just expressing bafflement at WHY anyone would want to do this. Trying to have it BOTH WAYS, I guess, or maybe just acknowledging the sad statistic that, in 90% of marriage (that's NINETY PERCENT, folks, fact) one or the other partner (or both) cheats after 5 years....

[Rowdy]

I'm gay. 50-ish and when I'm out for a beer with my hetero guy friends, invariably one of my buddies will say, "Damn, man... that chick was coming on to you big time!" I never even notice. My friends will go on, "why don't they ever look my way?" to which I usually reply, "it's because you look too eager and desperate and I'm not even looking at them" that's why they look my way.

Same thing happens in the gay ghetto... if I'm walking down the sidewalk alone, no one cares... as soon as I'm with my partner, who I love dearly and have never cheated on and never would, but as soon as we're together the guys are all but dropping at my feet.

A-a-h-h that forbidden fruit... it tastes so sweet! (forgive the pun)

[Qbear]

I guess this is a hetero thing, that I wouldn't understand. I've had a couple longterm loving relationships which are open.
Serial monotony..­.uh...mono­gamy is your choice, but it's not mine or my partners.

[dentist]

You say:

"...as my mother always told me, the harder thing to do is always the better thing to do."

and then, later:

"Being faithful is easy, cheating is hard."

Looks like there's a flaw in your mom's reasoning...

[PeteBogs]

I met a woman at a social event this weekend... we repeatedly made eye contact... she was looking at me every time I glanced over at her... moments later I walked over and chatted her up... when I asked her what she enjoys doing socially, she told me she was married, and that took up a lot of her time... no ring on her ring finger... when I pointed that out, she showed me that the finger was indeed dented by a ring she was simply not wearing... her her husband was out of town and she was meeting friends at this art event... WTF?

so I identify well with your line, "...the universe is definitely trying to screw with me because judging by the look and smile she just gave me, she's interested."

[PlanetKansas]

Simple math is the key to staying faithful. 30 minutes of fun can result in a lifetime of emotional and financial repurcussions. Know the math, act accordingly, and blame noone but yourself for doing it.