For the past two and a half years I have dedicated my life to being a voice for the voiceless and fighting for justice for those who have been hurt. All the while I have been on my own personal healing path. My path, like most healing paths, has been filled with pain but I have also found a lot of love.
A few weeks ago I gave a presentation here in Pennsylvania. I have given 30-40 presentations just like it over the past 2 years, except that night was different. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and other disorders as a result of having been sexually abused as a child. Through therapy I have learned techniques to alleviate the symptoms when they arise. That day I called upon all the knowledge I had gained to get me through the event. Why was this event so different from the dozens of others? Why have I not felt this much anxiety since I first decided to disclose my abuse?
That night was different because the people who I once loved and who I thought loved me had decided they would attend the event. The same people who attack me and other victims nonstop. The person I called "Mom" for so many years. The same people who write letters to event organizers, when I am to speak, asking them to rescind their offers because I am a liar and a phony. The people who will do anything to silence others and myself when it comes to speaking about child sexual abuse.
Please let me be clear. I do not fear these people nor will they stop me from my mission. The mission of protecting children and creating a society that is accepting and loving of survivors of CSA. The anxiety that I was feeling came from the revictimization these people are hell bent on delivering. Their goals are not unique or unexpected in any way. They are not special. This was something I knew would happen at some point. The denial and self-preservation is too strong a force in their lives to allow them to see the truth. They have been groomed, just as we all have been, by a prolific perpetrator.
Healing can only be achieved through embracing the truth.
So on that day I faced my fears and listened to my anxiety. I embraced the unknown and that night I took the stage. I made the decision long ago that something else is more important to me than fear of the unknown. No child should ever have to hurt the way I and the millions like myself have. Survivors deserve to have a society that treats us with love, respect, and compassion. Fear and anxiety are the fuels I use to push me forward as I speak.
So while I may have been triggered by this experience I can receive peace knowing that it has offered me growth. The opportunity I had that night was a blessing. In recovering from child sex abuse I promised myself to always feel and stay present, no matter what I faced, and to be honest with myself. That night I faced immense pressure and I overcame it. My message was heard, I helped save others, and I will continue to overcome every obstacle put in my path.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "you gain strength and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."