Growing up a Nebraskan, I was taught to deeply distrust Iowans--particularly while driving. I have learned that although they are poky behind the wheel, Iowans have expertly navigated the American electoral system to their advantage, drumming up much hubbub and hard cash for the state with their early caucuses.
Those who want to participate in the January 3 caucus must show up at their precinct's location--generally a senior citizens' recreation center or an elementary school--at 7pm sharp and stay for the better part of the evening, which disenfranchises those who are working, parents who can't find or afford babysitters and anyone afraid of braving dark icy roads alone in the middle of a Midwestern winter, not to mention all the Iowa students still in Mexico on winter break.
Instead of a secret ballot vote, caucus-goers stand around a room in prospective groups and encourage those standing in other groups to come over to theirs while someone else stands on a table and does multiple head counts. It's the grown-up version of Red Rover, only--as is the case with the grown-up world--there are more labels involved: uncommitteds are those who haven't made up their minds; viables are candidates in the Democrat's caucus with more than approximately 15% (give or take) of the room, nonviables those with less. After people redistribute themselves to viable groups, each viable group is appointed delegates, though not in any exact equal proportion to their group members. Clearly, this entire process is insane.
Now that I find myself engaged to marry an Iowan, however, I feel I should be more constructive than merely suggesting that some of the state's meth labs' by-product must have found its way into the water supply. Instead, I have a regular 21st century idea for this outdated mess of a system: let's make it digital.
If people are willing to spend hours in Facebook groups such as "I don't care how comfortable they are, your Crocs are ugly" and "7-11 has saved my life more than once" couldn't they log in to America's future for a few hours? Here are 10 reasons why the January 3rd Iowa Caucuses would work better via an online coordination of Facebook groups.
1. You can still see what people in the groups look like. Let's be honest, politics is all about aligning oneself with the best-looking group of voters.
2. "A duty to democracy" is the perfect excuse to escape the holiday family Yahtzee tournament for a few hours without leaving the comfort of your own home.
3. No folding chair butt.
4. Viable groups can poke, head-butt or shank non-viable groups.
5. If we stay inside the terrorists can't get us.
6. If there are an odd number of delegates to elect and an even number of equal-sized Presidential Preference Groups, caucus leaders can play a game of chance via a winner-takes-all game of Scrabulous.
7. Those still hungover from New Year's Eve don't have to leave the house to perform their civic duty.
8. You can bribe undecideds with gifts such as pandas, hams and pirate skulls.
9. If you build it, they will come.
10. A gimmicky candidate selection process might distract from the question why IOWA is so vital to most important election in the United States.
Just don't tell Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg yet, or he might hatch an intrusive new scheme where campaign ads fill the space between conversations. Then again, that's hardly a novel idea in this election.