Twelve years ago, during a round of court appearances initiated by my former-spouse (post-divorce to reduce child support), my attorney told me that in all the years of practicing family law he'd never come across a worse father. With that statement he confirmed what I hoped was just my can't-sleep, middle-of-the-night-crazy-thinking.
He wasn't physically abusive, but abject indifference can hurt more than being struck. A court-appointed psychologist was assigned to the case to interview the girls, especially my oldest daughter, as the visitation schedule was going to be modified. The report the psychologist presented to the court was sealed and not available to their father or me, but the judge's decision certainly reflected the findings: my oldest daughter (she was 14 at the time) could decide if or when she wanted to see her father and my younger daughter (11-years-old) could visit only when her older sister was with her for emotional support. It was an astonishing decision given that this judge generally ruled that equal time is spent with both parents. He also ordered the girls' dad to complete a parenting education program before any visitation would even be considered.
He never complied with the court order, but would occasionally call the girls and each time he did I saw hope on their faces for a better relationship with him. I've read that a father sets the stage for a girl's future relationship choices and that frightening thought, and the constant hurt I witnessed, kept the girls in family therapy for years. As I sat in their therapist's waiting room and braced myself for the red faces and swollen eyes of my daughters (not always, but a lot) after their session, my thoughts were less than charitable.
I thought about his demise. If he were dead the hurt would stop. I could systematically build him up -- make him better -- create a complex character who loved his daughters, but was incapable of showing it, and alas, tragically, time ran out. Romanticize their dad and tuck him away in a drawer all warm and cozy. Let them move forward without the constant confirmation that he just didn't care. If he were dead he couldn't (instead of simply didn't) call on their birthday or Christmas, show up for their softball games, or college graduation.
I shook my head when I heard my divorced friends lament the time their children spent with their fathers. I would've given just about anything to have their problems. Get over it, I thought. Those dads wanted time with their kids.
Recently my 26-year-old daughter called. She was crying and it was hard to understand, but I didn't need the details. The palpable pain in her voice was one I'd heard for years. I knew the source. Her father remarried shortly after the divorce and had three sons. This year he was taking them skiing for the holiday and shared that information during one of their infrequent conversations. He also didn't call on Christmas. She forwarded me the screen shot of a text conversation with her father.
After reading the texts I was rocketed back to a place I thought I'd put behind me and my first thought was, I wish he were dead. In the animal world a mother will fight to the death to protect her offspring. Many times the father is the attacker. This was an assault and although I wanted to bolt to the airport and fly to his city -- my rational self got a grip. What in the world did I think that would accomplish? But, what this incident confirmed is that my instinctual need to protect the girls is a powerful and primal force. One that does not diminish, no matter how old they get. As much as I've looked forward to this time when my daughters are adults and my constant worrying stops, it is still there, just covered up with a thin blanket of "my work is done now."
After sharing my daughter's experience with a friend, she suggested that the girls have a ceremonial death. They should write down all of the hurtful memories that are related to their father -- pages and pages of pain -- light them on fire and then place the ashes in an urn. They should metaphorically grieve his death and let the healing begin.
I'm not sure if that solution will change anything. I hoped by now for something more tangible like an adult relationship with their dad where they could accept him for who he is and get on with their lives. But, I am willing to suggest it.
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Kids blaming the new spouse for slights is easy enough to understand but causes issues between me and his kids. But being blamed brought me to an entirely new level of understanding that this man does not have the capacity to right a wrong, merely mourn it for himself and I am stuck with kids that love me and a dad that loves only himself if you judge by his actions. Money does nor buy love but it certainly can cause real problems when dealing with someone whose only way to show it to buy it. Perhaps my saving him was not the best thing after all. Had he led the path he'd chosen he would surely be gone now, but we are left to deal with his ruins and it's neither fun nor pretty. The kids don't see him and can't see my desperation and shouldn't have to. Their father needs to love them and put forth the effort with word and actions. I know I'd be better off having never met him and now share their pain as well. It is shameful what men will do to hurt the ex, even if they have to use their kids and new wives to do it. I know that I'd be much happier had I never met and rescued him from his own demise but was it the right thing to do? I think that's something we may never know.
I feel so sorry for the hurt he's caused your daughters... shame on him. As a divorced dad myself, I don't understand what kind of man can be so cold and uncaring. I try to make every moment with my kids count -- we have deep talks, silly fun, draw and play together, go for late-night walks, watch retro TV shows, talk about feelings, listen to great music, have Nerf gun wars, make homemade pizza together... I can never get enough. Childhood slips away too quickly and I want to make the most of it. Your protective primal instincts are right on: it's not only physical abuse we want to protect our kids from. He's every bit as guilty as if he were backhanding them across the face, except of course the emotional scars will last longer. Your girls may someday realize how broken this world is and that sometimes people who love us hurt us the most. Whether that's really love or not, I don't know, but it's been true in my life.
Divorce is painful...but sometimes it is more painful letting yourself be exposed to toxic people....Toxic people are dangerous and they will only hurt you....Sometimes it is hard to label a parent as a toxic person....but you need to create distance to protect yourself....such people do not know how to love....
It wasn't until he left me on the side of the interstate two states away, after an ugly screaming match, that I decided to cut ties with him. I decided to ignore advice of, "oh but he's your father! you have to try!" I cut off all ties with him and began the mourning process in earnest. His shadow still haunts me, 6 years later, but I've been able to start healing. My relationship with my fiance is healthier. My respect for myself is greater. I don't have the anger that used to consume me. In effect, his action that day was his ceremonial death. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
If anything, pity them. Imagine never being able to feel the joy and fulfillment of maintaining a lasting relationship with any other person, even your own children. That's a curse that's worse than anything you could ever do to them.
Easy to say, but sometimes difficult to do, I know. But blame and anger aren't going to change your circumstances...only changing your actions will.
Some posters suggest, "I could KILL him," is a mere figure of speech to be laughed off, but who concurrently think, "The burden of being a good person," is so horribly offensive that a grown woman should cut off all contact with her father, forevermore, for saying it!
The daughters should work on their relationship with their father. Reach out to him; keep reaching out to him. More than a Christmas card. (The article really doesn't tell us of any efforts they've made.)
The daughters should NOT report anything to their mother, good or bad.
The mother should move on with her life. She should have no opinion of the father, good or bad, anymore. There should be NO ceremonial or metaphorical killing. Just MOVE ON, already. The kids are grown. The lawsuits are closed. MOVE ON.
And because the mother, not the father, is clearly the one keeping the old wounds open, years after the daughter has entered adulthood.
I don't know, or care, what happened 8 or 10 or 12 years ago, because the writer admits in the article that there was no abuse. I presume neither parent is really innocent. If I had to choose, I would place the greater blame on whichever party decided that litigating in court was how they would escalate the conflict, but we don't know which one that was.
At this stage, however, there is no winning or losing; there is only (possibly) recovering and going on with life. For the parties AND the children. The father is clearly doing that, or trying to. The mother, in contrast, is clearly stuck in a decade-old conflict.
I have no idea what you mean by "dominator language."
After several days, I have to wonder something: WHERE do all these posters find support for their assumptions?
There is nothing in the article that says who initiated the divorce, or why.
There is nothing in the article that says the father was happy, or unhappy, about getting divorced at the time.
There is nothing in the article indicating whether the father had even met his second wife prior to the divorce.
There is nothing in the article that says the father did, or didn't, try to help his daughters and sons get to know and love each other.
There is nothing in the article that says what his circumstances and legal arguments where when he litigated to adjust support. (There isn't even anything in the article saying what the outcome of that litigation was.)
I would suggest instead of texting, call dad and say, " I miss you and I feel hurt that you don't seem to care." I think the daughters also needs to rebuild trust with the father letting him know that her communication with him will not be forwarded to her mother and published for the world to see. The mother needs to allow the father and daughters to have a relationship without getting involved. If the father feels that whatever he says or does is going to be criticized or that he is forever labled as one of the "worst fathers" ever he is going to stop trying and cling to the family that he feels loved and safe with.
The daughters are well into adulthood and I hope they have the courage to reach out without anger from the past and love without expectations. I hope their Dad will do the same and a better relationship will develop.
I have great friends and I went to therapy and I realized My dad might have been a bad husband to my mom but he could still be a good dad to me. I also hadn't been the perfect daughter so I owned my role in the relationship and I decided I was going to approach the relationship from a place of love not anger. I forgave him for the hurts of the past and for not giving me what I needed as a child. My mom is a wonderful person and my best friend but we have boundaries that she respects when it comes to my relationship with my dad.
I think a lot of people take that particular statistic and import meaning to it that is not necessarily related. The fact of the matter is that we nuance the things we share especially if we perceive it to be shameful. Without getting into the specifics of the "lack of personal fulfilment" it is really impossible to say if it is a bad thing or not. As the saying goes, "There are lies, damned lies and statistics"! This being a case in point.
When I read the text from the dad to the girl my heart broke. I empathized with the girl's pain. Yet every last one of the MRAs has angrily blamed the mother for her ex-husband's behavior. Not one expressed any empathy with the daughter, except to say how tragic that her mom alienated her from the dad! The dad is presumed entirely blameless and the mom entirely guilty - of the dad's behavior!
It's quite astonishing. But the most astonishing part is how it inadvertently demonstrates just how much MRAs are NOT good parents, how they are unable to empathize with child over parent and how they really, truly only care about fathers RIGHTS - not being good fathers.
For example, I had my first child when I'd been married for two years, got divorced six years later, met my current wife (several years *older* than my ex) two years after the divorce, married her after we'd dated for two more years, and we now have two beautiful children together. I repeat, my divorce was completely finalized for years BEFORE I even met my wife, who is older than my ex; the remarriage and new family indicate nothing whatsoever about the divorce. And I am certainly not unique is this regard.
What I'm trying to say is, don't assume "facts" not stated. We really don't know.