How to Apologize: Getting a 'Do-Over' This Groundhog Day

With Groundhog Day rapidly approaching, my mind has turned to the elusive do-over. The 1993 Bill Murray flick named for February 2nd has to be one of my all-time favorite, watch-it-every-time-it's-on movies. For those who haven't seen it (and really, what kind of carpet are you living under? Netflix it immediately), the movie's plot centers around a crotchety guy named Phil Conners, played by Murray. Phil is forced to endure the same day over and over until he gets it "right."

The golden opportunity that Phil gets is to explore all of the different ways to play out his day. First, we meet the mean and selfish Phil, then the woman chasing Phil and then the do-gooder Phil. Finally, just when all hope is lost and Phil truly accepts his fate, we meet the real Phil. And on the morning of February 3rd, (spoiler alert!) we watch as Phil wakes up in the arms of the woman he loves. It's a new day, and he's a renewed man.

For Phil, the do-over worked. It taught him about the man he was on the inside -- the guy he was hiding from the world in favor of the person he thought people expected him to be. When Phil stopped caring about what others wanted from him, thought about him or believed about him, he was able to be his authentic self. And that proved to be the man who all the women in the movie fell in love with.

What can we learn from Phil? That do-overs are possible. When something in your life goes terribly wrong, it is possible to fix it. To wipe the slate clean, as we learn from Phil, you have to first get honest --honest with yourself and the person (or persons) you've harmed. You have to make amends.

There's no magic here, and yes, there are things that no apology in the world can fix. But if you have one of those "Oh my God, I can't believe I did, said, thought or acted that way" moments, you can create a do-over for yourself.

Forgiveness is something out of your hands. But if you're seeking it, here are a few tips to create your own do-over:

1. Change the setting. Making over an experience requires that you paint an entirely different picture. Pick a different restaurant, change your tone of voice or go to a different place to hold the conversation. Even if you're at home, you can go to a different room or outside. To change the memory, you have to first change the environment.
2. Fix what you did wrong by not repeating it. The big elephant in the room is the concern that what happened is a harbinger of things to come. Make sure that through your conversation, actions, attitude and behavior that you do not repeat the offending action. What we're talking about here is building trust with the person harmed so they can begin to believe that you will be different. Trust takes time and action. Without both, it cannot grow.
3. Address the issue head on. If you owe someone an apology, give them one. Don't make excuses for what happened; be straight about it. If you drank too much, tell them why (e.g. "I was nervous" or "I didn't realize that I hadn't eaten enough"). If you spoke too bluntly, tell them you're sorry ("I'm sorry for what I said and for hurting you"). By saying to another person that you acknowledge your part in hurting them, the resulting feeling is one of true ownership of the indiscretion. Apologies that are delivered in an indirect way (e.g. "I'm sorry you're sad") do not fully address the issue and can leave someone with the sense that you're not truly sorry for the pain. It might appear, rather, that you're just sorry you have to deal with it.
4. Don't go overboard. It's important not to fixate on the problem either. When people make an honest mistake, an apology is what's needed to address the problem -- not groveling. Make your peace and move on. If what's required is more than an honest apology, you may be looking at a deeper, more personal issue. Own the part that's yours, but don't martyr yourself to someone else's unresolved pain.
5. Remember the golden rule for apologies: actions speak louder than words. Now that you've addressed the problem, get back to having fun. Be mindful that the next time you have an opportunity to be in a similar situation, your actions will be judged against the first one. You can successfully create a do-over by proving through your actions that things can, and will, be different.
6. Find a way to have a laugh about it. Horrible slip-ups make for exceptional "Do you remember when..." stories that are toasted at weddings, anniversaries and in quiet conversations about your life. No one is perfect. If you can find the humor in the hiccups, it's a good sign that you can weather other storms together later on.

The bottom line here is that we all deserve a chance to make up for our indiscretions. No one was born without a few golden opportunities to stick their foot in their mouth. Weather yours by knowing how to make amends when the apple cart topples. And if you need a crash course, take a few hours to watch "Groundhog Day." Surely your do-over needs can't be as bad as goodole' Phil's!

 

Follow Melanie Gorman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/melanie360

Comments

[DivaDebra]

09:53 AM on 02/03/2011

Great article. We all get a do-over as each and every day can be new. As you give yourself freedom to make mistakes, you give others the same compassion.

[carolthecoach]

11:09 AM on 02/02/2011

I absolutely agree that a do-over allows a person the humility of making a mistake or error in judgement. We all do it and it is nice to have this mutual tool to honestly ask for someones grace and compassion. I use it all the time in therapy and it works.
Nice article Melanie!

[DrErica]

04:56 PM on 01/31/2011

Melanie,
You have cited one of my very favorite movies. I love the transformation that occurs when he is able to live that one day over and over, trying out different ways of behaving and observing the consequences. Finally, he just does the right thing, the best thing in the moment without all that extra thinking and manipulating. That is when he gets exactly what he wants, the love of the woman he loves.
Why is it so difficult for so many of us to be authentic? When we do something that hurts or upsets another person, what stops us from owning up to our responsibility, apologizing from the heart and making amends? For so many of us, we are afraid to express our true self and our true needs from fear that we will be misunderstood, taken advantage of, hurt or abandoned, or made to feel guilty. This is because so many of us grown up in environements that are not totally emotionally safe. We are not free to truly say what we want and need and feel because there are subtle and sometimes huge repercussions when we do not meet the needs and expectations of our caretakers. We can spend an entire lifetime unlearning the negative messags we received when we were speaking and behaving authentically. But what a joy when we let go of those early messages and start being who we are - it is so freeing and joyful.
Erica

[Christine Arylo]

02:33 PM on 01/31/2011

Noah and I use the Do Over all the time - works like a charm. Even when I get really mad, and my feelings are really hurt, when those big blues look at me and say can i have a do over, my heart starts to open and sometimes it takes everything i have to meep "Yes", but i do. And the do overs always bring us to a new place. We call it a fight breaker - something you can use to shift the energy to love.

[Melanie Gorman]

02:41 PM on 01/31/2011

Christine, I love the simplicity of an "in the moment" do over. My husband and I do it too and you're right, it can stop an argument in its tracks!

[LoriLowe]

02:17 PM on 01/31/2011

Great advice. I would add one thing to avoid is the very popular fake apology. For example, "I'm sorry you were offended/hurt by what I said." In other words, instead of taking responsibility, you act as if the other person is over-sensitive.
And, I also enjoy Groundhog Day the movie. I like the concept that we are all trying to get it right every day, and most days we screw up somewhere along the line, but you know when you get it right.
Cheers!

[Melanie Gorman]

04:19 PM on 01/31/2011

Lori, thanks so much. The "fake" apology you mention is one that I actually feel when people offer it to me. It's so insincere... Great addition, thank you.

[Cathy Meyer]

01:19 PM on 01/31/2011

"I'm sorry," two of the most underrated words in the English language. A sincere and well-placed apology is the key to reconciliation and healing. Something any of us need to be willing to do if we are going to participate in healthy relationships with others.

[DrAmyJohnson]

10:54 AM on 01/31/2011

I love the idea of a good do-over, Melanie! One thing I'd add to your list is to forgive yourself. Forgiveness from others may be out of your hands but that's okay..we don't need their forgiveness as long as we do what we can to make amends and forgive ourselves. Your pointers toward that are excellent. Thanks for this piece!

[ding simon]

08:58 AM on 01/31/2011

very lovely!

[teabagflush]

08:17 AM on 01/31/2011

Well, it looks like 6 more weeks of winter this year. The groundhog will never be able to come out of his burrow to see his shadow because it is buried under 7 feet of snow.

[SCboy]

07:51 AM on 01/31/2011

When someone apologizes to you there is an assumption that they are telling you the truth. When they say things will change, they have to carry through on that. An apology is not about words, it's about actions.

[Melanie Gorman]

09:05 AM on 01/31/2011

I couldn't agree more. :)

[BlackYowe]

05:11 AM on 01/31/2011

Good piece of writing!

[oldandintheway1]

09:08 PM on 01/30/2011

The advice was great, but i still think the movie itself sucks..one of the movies i WON'T watch over and over again.

[BlackYowe]

05:09 AM on 01/31/2011

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww I love that movie.

[Melanie Gorman]

09:06 AM on 01/31/2011

Me too! ;)

[MelloYello74]

01:37 PM on 01/30/2011

Excellent movie and excellent advice! =)

[Joseph Burgo PhD]

01:16 PM on 01/30/2011

I enjoyed your post on how to make an apology. I made a couple of additional suggestions in a post on my own blog, After Psychotherapy. Here's a link:

http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/art-of-the-apology

I also wrote at length about the redemptive power of love in 'Groundhog Day,' one of my all-time favorite movies. If you're interested, here's a link to that post:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/movies/2010/12/groundhog-day-one

Thanks.

[Melanie Gorman]

09:13 AM on 01/31/2011

I love both pieces Joe. We have a lot in common in how we think on these things, including the idea that groveling when you're apologizing isn't necessary. My favorite thing you said is that "genuine apologies never contain the words “if” or “but”." I agree there too. Apologies that are real are not conditional; their absolute, not a negotiation.

I feel like saying your sorry is a lost art for many people. We're too busy worrying about defending ourselves that we lose sight of our humanness. If we approached mistakes as adults as we do with our children perhaps there would be less judgment and the ability to really get to a place of forgiveness? Of course, track records and trust are huge variables here, but nevertheless, I do agree that real apologizing is a one-sided dialogue where you take responsibility for your actions without the condition that someone say "you're forgiven". Forgiveness, is an entirely different piece of the puzzle.

Glad we're connected here and on Twitter and thanks for sharing. :-)