We all know that going through infertility treatments can be incredibly challenging for couples. But single women who yearn to be mothers go through their own heartache. They are waiting for their future life partner to come into their lives before they can even begin to try to conceive. While their infertility is circumstantial, it can be just as difficult as each month passes. But because their grief is not commonly understood, it's often brushed aside with comments that, while are often meant to help, are hurtful.
I asked my Auntourage, the SavvyAuntie.com community on Facebook, some (not all) of whom are single, no kids, but adore their nieces and nephews, about the comments that have been made to them that were particularly insensitive. I discovered a few common themes:
You Can't Hurry Love
There are more single women (and men) in their late twenties, thirties and forties than ever before. They understand well that their fertility has a lifespan. Waiting for love is a completely valid reason to be single and not a mother. But for some single women, it means pressure from friends and family to settle.
"So when are you going to have some kids? You know you're not getting any younger!" As if our biological clocks aren't ticking with the volume of 10 atomic bombs! - Q.D.
‎"I mean you do realize that you're running out of time ... Do you really think you have any good eggs left?" - A.R.
‎‎"You're wasting all your childbearing years." M.H.
"Tick tock, tick tock." - A.E.
"You know your eggs are shriveling up and dying, right?" - R.A.
"Maybe you should freeze some of your eggs just in case?" - K.D.
"You better hurry up if you want to have kids! -A.K.
"You should lower your standards on a man if you ever want to get married and have kids." - J.H.
"Maybe you'll find someone who doesn't want kids." - J.K.
"At this age you may have to settle down with a man who already has kids."- K.D.
"You can always use a donor egg if you have none left." - A.L.
‎"You are 35 and have never been pregnant?? Are you gay? Are you sure you can even have kids?" - T.D.
They used to say: "Don't worry about it, you have plenty of time! Good for you, waiting for the right guy!" Then they started saying: "Maybe you shouldn't be so picky ..." and now they just don't say anything. - A.S.
The Grass is Greener
Sure, there are some advantages to not having children. I love my quiet cup of coffee on a Sunday morning. But the single women who responded here would take all the challenges that come with marriage and kids in a minute in order to have the love and children they always dreamed of.
"At least you don't have to worry about midnight feedings" ‎And "At least you can still enjoy your freedom." - J.K.
"When married friends stop inviting you to their parties and tell mutual friends, 'Well, it's a couples thing and she is single ...' or 'She doesn't have kids ...' or the worst, 'I think she might have a thing for my husband ...' Please! Just because I'm single and don't have any kids does not mean I want your husband! The fact that I am single and have no kids does not mean that I am anti-social or that I am promiscuous or desperate." - C.L.
"Don't you think you're being a little selfish doing all those things (referring to work, hobbies, etc)? I mean, what will you do when you have children? You are having children, right?!" - M.H.
On Our Own
There are more options for single women to become mothers today, but that doesn't mean the choices are simple to make. For instance, I saw a number of "just adopt"-style comments. It's incredibly difficult for a single woman to adopt, (ask Jillian Michaels, a celebrity, who seems to be finding it tough), never mind the cost. Many women want to conceive their own biological children, just like couples suffering from infertility and working so hard to conceive, do. And having a biological baby on one's own brings its own set of challenges. Single women are able to evaluate and make choices on their own, just as couples do.
"Have you looked into adoption?" N.P.
"I wouldn't mind being a single mom since Mr. Right hasn't found his way into my life and I'm getting older. I just hate hearing: 'Are you sure you can handle doing it all by yourself? Are you sure you're making the right decision? Do you know how much that costs? Do you think your body can handle it?' As if it would be any different if I got pregnant traditionally. - T.N.
"You're a woman; it can't be THAT hard to get knocked up." - T.S.
"If you want a baby so bad why don't you just go hook up with a good looking guy and not use birth control?!" While I have no problem being a strong independent single mama, I couldn't A) Just use a guy like that without his consent and B) I don't have sex unless I'm in a committed, loving relationship or marriage. Their reply? "Well if you want a baby bad enough you'll have to be willing to bend and yield a bit" ugh! - K.W.
Which brings us to....
If You Really Wanted to Be a Mother....
While she waits for love, the single woman is questioned about her desire to be a mom.
‎"Every woman should want to be a mother." J.D.
"You are such a great aunt, why don't you have children of your own?" - Q.J.
"Why don't you have kids? You look healthy to me." - T.B.
"Well you never wanted a baby anyway, right?" -M.T.
"Why don't you have kids?" Curiously followed by: "Why aren't you married?" - C.L.
"Quit waiting for Mr. Right, and settle for Mr. Right Now. You don't need a man to be a good mom, just get pregnant." - M.J.
"You should stay in your (emotionally abusive, jealous and overall toxic) relationship. At least you could get a baby out of him..." S.C.
"You really don't seem like you'd be too bad of a mother; you should give it a shot."
Mean Spirited
And then there are the just plain mean and snarky comments.
"Since you're not dating I got you a gift certificate to the sperm bank. I really want to be an uncle before I'm dead." - T.B.
"Do you know how old you will be when your children graduate? Do you want to be at your child's wedding? Is it even legal to have children at your age?" - T.M.
"'Since you're not using your eggs anytime soon, why not just give them away?' (It's not something you expect someone to say right after you just broke up a guy.)" - M.P.
"Maybe if you lost weight you could find a man and have kids." - T.B.
"Wow! You're taking this whole 'saving the planet' thing a little too seriously, don't you think?" - H.V.C.
"I'm sure your parents are disappointed that you don't have kids." - T.B.
"Is there something wrong with you?" - P.J.
Follow Melanie Notkin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/savvyauntie
This quote that was sent to Melanie could not be anything else but someone talking to a married woman. Unless singles having babies has suddenly become common and acceptable, this remark was not made to a single woman.
The only other conclusion I can come to is that some women in this situation really do want it all - the career, the loving husband, the children, the free time, the money. This is called 'having it all' and guess what, it doesn't happen like that. You can't have it all. You have to compromise. If you want children simply because its something you haven't tried yet, or haven't had the time to try, and if you were intending to return to work anyway and let someone do the babysitting, then think a little harder on it. It seems so easy to say, I want children, when the reality is, or used to be, that one usually got married first and then it just happened. It wasn't the decision it seems to be today.
I realize there's some women who really do want children, and not just ones who are already married or in longterm relationships. I don't believe there is a maternal instinct, so I don't know what the reasons are - to have a little one love you or adult children in your life as you grow older. Well that can't be counted on either.
You know what this sounds like. It sounds like women who are continuously finding ways to account for the fact they didn't get married and have children because in reality they just didn't want them and they don't want to say that. It makes them appear coldhearted. (to be continued)
Most of the comments listed could have been addressed to married, childless women also (assuming they were real), but this is not even mentioned. eg "Don't you think you're being a little selfish doing all those things (referring to work, hobbies, etc)? I mean, what will you do when you have children? You are having children, right?!" - M.H.
This is simply Melanie being political again, attempting to get single childless women on her side. She has conducted an informal survey, inviting comments, which, from the subject matter, could end up being far from the truth. It's like an invitation to make up the worse thing possible and submit it. At the very least, some indication of the circumstances under which the comment was stated would make it more believable.
Melanie claims that these women who sent in these quotes are feeling 'pressured' but they aren't being pressured to have a child. They're being pressured to get married. I don't think Melanie makes that clear. I'm sure at least some of them are trying not to demonstrate they don't like children, even though they might not, as that would be bad, politically. So we have all these women, some of whom must be feeling guilty and making excuses. And the more Melanie talks about 'having it all' (implied) the more single women will want to have the opportunity to become mothers. So instead of 'God's will' or 'it's just nature', women will claim, 'It's my right.'
Without question, I do not believe all people sd marry and have children. I know plenty of people who most def. had no business bringing their likeness into the world. Parents who have children then moan and complain about the sacrifices involved-"my career, what about my career, I want my career AND I want the children AND I want and obedient spouse who serves my interests, my needs, my career, and of course ME." Such is how a lot of these sort of post sounds.
Reality is, there will be plenty of people who will never have children although they want to, never marry although they want to, and never conceive a child although they want to. It is not an issue of being "mean" it is a matter of how the world works. Seems some people have yet to come to terms with the fact people do not always get what they want in life which seems to be the thread of this piece that the writer herself does not seem to understand.
If this seems "mean" it might be more of a case of having yet to come to terms that some may very well never become mothers or married.
Many women today expect things to be perfect, as you suggest also, William. And they wont take No for an answer. If it's they're right to have children, and it is, in a sense, then they will try every means available. Unless, of course, ethical issues such as using trickery to get pregnant is the issue (as Melanie writes about) although I don't think most men are too concerned about how many unknown children they bring into this world.
This isn't even an article, that Melanie has produced. It's simply anecdotes, and many donn't even sound real, as I have said. There's no analysis, no context, it just seems made up. I don't believe that women say those things to other women, as a rule, commonly, enough to include them here! Under what circumstances (context) does someone say to a single woman, "You really don't seem like you'd be too bad of a mother; you should give it a shot." What does that mean, Is potential mom unemployed and looking for meaning in life? Is she employed and career not going well? Is her career going great? Does she have a boyfriend and marriage is out of the question. there's so much missing from this.
2. Both sexes deal with issues of having children. But if you're having them just to have them, thinking there will be no sacrifices in career, time, effort, life in general...then you are only doing the future children a disservice. They deserve better.
Parenthood is hard, hard, hard. It isn't for everyone. It shouldn't be expected that if a woman doesn't want to be a parent, there's anything "wrong" with her.
As for those women approaching 40 or in their 40s (or older) who are looking to take on motherhood (bio or adoption), my only concern is the following. The focus is so heavily on pregnancy and babies, or babies and toddlers, that the longer term picture is dismissed or discounted with the wave of a hand and "you'll figure it out."
Being a solo parent requires a boatload of support. The baby/toddler/pre-school years are easy compared to the guts of parenting older elementary and middle school aged kids. And if you're doing it when you yourself are older, you'd better hope you have your health, your stamina, your job(s) and people to assist.
Women have more choices than we used to, yes. ALL GOOD. But we don't necessarily have the communities or social infrastructure to support parenting under the easiest of circumstances (2 parents, extended family), much less doing it on your own.
http://dailyplateofcrazy.com/2012/01/05/midlife-mother-musings/
Technically the answer is yes, but you don't have to use the equipment.
However, I wish this post was more constructive and focused on what people could/should say in this situation (unless you think it should never be discussed). I have only rarely heard the kind of comments you listed. Instead, I find that my friends/family are so terrified of saying the wrong thing that they actively avoid the topic altogether, which only makes me feel more alone and isolated. I think a lot of people say these dumb things because they don't know what to say.
Lastly, IMO not all of these comments on this list are so bad. Asking if she has considered adoption or freezing eggs is a valid question. Freezing eggs is a newer option that many women don't even know is available to them. Personally I'd rather face the realities of my situation than stick my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.
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