It's good to know that Congress is on the case, focusing on issues that really matter, like making English our national language.
I would be more enthusiastic about the bill if I thought it would lead to pitiless sanctions against the many native speakers who insist on feeling badly, or keeping hush-hush info strictly "between you and I.'' Bill Safire for language czar, I say; no problema.
But as it is, I wonder if this legislation really goes far enough. As proposed by Oklahoma Republican Senator James M. Inhofe and passed by the Senate on Thursday, the law would merely require candidates for U.S. citizenship to demonstrate basic proficiency in English and some understanding of American history. (No one in Washington would have to take it, though, as far as I know.)
Oh, and it would direct the feds to "preserve and enhance the role of English as the national language of the United States of America,'' whatever that means. It's mostly symbolic, is what I'm guessing, and according to supporters, no different than agreeing on a zippy national slogan. Like, "The last four letters of American spell I CAN!'' Or a national tee-shirt, maybe, like the one that says, "I'm with Stupid.''
Why stop there, though, when we could have something so much more robust, like the plan endorsed by Holland's immigration minister, Rita Verdonk, which would have outlawed speaking any foreign language in the streets. (Verdonk is the charming former deputy prison warden who has also proposed revoking the citizenship of Somali-born legislator Ayaan Hirsi Ali. She has been in hiding since the murder of Theo van Gogh, with whom she collaborated on a film about the brutal treatment of women in the name of Islam. A blood-soaked note vowing that she would be next was stabbed into his corpse by the terrorists who killed him.)
The thing is, though, Hirsi Ali didn't put the correct name on her application for citizenship years ago, so under the letter of the law she has been in the Netherlands illegally all this time; the woman is a lawbreaker. And though this is exactly where xenophobic laws like those embraced by Verdonk -- and Inhofe -- almost inevitably lead, why focus on the negative?
On the plus side, a bold move like this would really separate the patriots from the "continentals,'' as our president once referred to a reporter who had annoyed him by asking the French president a question in French. In France. (Of course, we all know that only Democrats speak French. And as for speaking more than one foreign tongue, like that show-off Teresa Heinz, well, I think I need say nada mas.)
Mr. Bush, by the way, would thankfully be in no danger of accidental deportation, since Scott McClellan, in his final hours as White House press secretary, finally confirmed that the president does not actually speak Spanish, and thus could not possibly have sung the national anthem in that language "even if he wanted to.''
This, I now see, is exactly as it should be. So, no more feeling bad that my once so-so Spanish has dwindled to a few key phrases from language school, like, "My, that is a small penis.'' (Really, that is one that stays with you.) Freedom fries are back on the menu, and I say yum. Anyway, we'll all be speaking Chinese soon enough.