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Melinda Wentzel

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The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Parents

Posted: 03/18/2012 6:25 pm

Sarcasm aside, Stephen Covey should have written a book with the above-mentioned title. Not that he failed spectacularly as a father, but because people tend to more readily grasp what doesn't work, as opposed to what does. Like tightrope walking, for instance -- without a net. In a practical sense, Seven Habits would've been an invaluable guide for parents, highlighting the antithesis of good advice as it relates to the uncertain nature of raising children. Countless individuals, myself included, could've then avoided seven of the biggest pitfalls of child rearing -- all of which I've shamelessly embraced since the advent of motherhood. So in the true spirit of generosity and irreverence, I've compiled a list of that which you would do well to eschew.

1) Stockpile exactly nothing in your disciplinary arsenal, rendering you categorically ineffective (read: utterly deplorable) when it comes to dealing with ill-mannered children and/or defiant teens. A sign that you're on the right track in this regard can be clearly demonstrated if you lack any discernable ability to assign logical consequences to a wayward grocery cart, let alone an unruly child. Moreover, if you think "positive reinforcement" is just a bunch of psychobabble and you have absolutely no idea what will happen if and when you actually reach the count of three (i.e. at the climax of your hackneyed threat: "One...two...two-and-a-half...two-and-three-quarters...two-and-seven-eighths..."), you're well on your way to becoming a highly defective parent. However, you've truly arrived in said capacity when you scream at your brood, "Stop screaming!" and it actually works.

2) Do everything for your child/children, lest they become discouraged, frustrated or palpably incensed as a result of their futile attempts to do for themselves. Heaven forbid you let them fail. At anything. Nor should your dear progenies be held accountable in this life. For anything. Never mind their longings for independence and ownership as they grow. Continue on the path to martyrdom by picking up their shoes, making their beds and triple-checking their homework day after day, right through college and into grad school. Fight their battles for them, too, paving the way on every imaginable front. In this manner, you can ensure their dependency (and your sense of purpose as a slack-picker-upper) for a lifetime.

2012-03-18-SillyPhotoboothPicsJune09MomandGals.jpg3) Say "yes" to your child/children far too often, even if it spells emotional/financial ruin for you, or reckless endangerment for them. A happy upbringing is all about instant gratification and leniency, after all -- not to mention, keeping the peace. Indulge them daily -- hourly if need be, so that you might satisfy their every whim. Translation: Let your charges pitch a monstrosity-of-a-tent in the living room for weeks on end, perilously slide down staircases in sleeping bags and adopt more pets than the Animal Control Board thinks you can readily accommodate. Note: If your house doesn't smell like hamsters or wet dog, you're not trying hard enough.

4) Compare your child/children to others at every opportunity (especially those involving hyper-successful peers, siblings and well-mannered house plants) -- a practice that serves to solidify feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. Kids simply adore being held to an unattainable ideal, relishing the notion of not-measuring-up in all avenues of life.

5) Model impropriety at every turn. Launch tirades, throw shoes and by all means, refuse to share your sand shovel. Additionally, hold grudges, damn politicians and say incredibly vile things about the Everyday Math you've been expected to embrace since your oldest entered kindergarten. Better still, demonstrate the beauty of white lies, offer your brood an abundance of inappropriate ways to deal with bullies and hang up on a telemarketer at least as often as Rush Limbaugh says something stupid.

6) Always speak before you think. Enough said.

7) Introduce the concept of panic to your child/children by routinely inviting fear and worry into your collective corner of the world. The more irrational the fear/worry, the better. Histrionics are good, too, especially as they relate to obscure maladies involving parasites native to Tasmania, the horror of being struck by a sofa-sized chunk of space debris and, of course, the Mayan apocalypse.

Planet Mom: It's where I live (in all my defective glory). Visit me there at www.melindawentzel.com and www.facebook.com/NotesfromPlanetMom.

 

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