As a lesbian, I am consistently asked how I feel about gay marriage. I respond to those inquiries with the explanation that having a choice is always better, and that I wish I could legally marry in my home state of Georgia. I am often surprised by the number of straight women who tell me that marriage is simply not all it's cracked up to be. At the end of the day, these women claim that the pomp and circumstance of a wedding was simply not worth the pain of divorce. Many of these women truly believed in the fairy tale notion of "Happily Ever After," and were blindsided by their naivety when forced to deal with the financial and legal realities of a divorce.
Would men and women walk down the aisle with eyes wide open if they knew ahead of time what would legally happen if the marriage failed? I interviewed Corey Stern, an Atlanta-based divorce lawyer, to find out what every couple needs to know before they get married.
Keep pre-marital assets separate if you want to keep them safe from divorce: Pre-marital assets and inheritance need to be kept separate unless you are willing to split these assets in the case of a divorce. While pre-marital assets are commonly not categorized as assets of the marriage -- thus, they are not subject to division -- the law becomes hazy when these funds have been used to contribute to other assets of the marriage. For example, if a couple puts a down payment on a home or starts a business with funds that are partially made up of pre-marital assets, some states view this intermingling of funds as a gift to the marriage, subject to being divided in a divorce. The only way to feel confident that you won't be splitting these assets is to have an iron clad prenuptial agreement or, at the very least, never intermingle the funds.
Know about your spouse's debt: Debt acquired by either party during the marriage will often times be considered marital debt and the responsibility of both parties, regardless of whose name is on the credit card and regardless of who made the charges. Insist that all credit cards statements are accessible by both parties.
A prenuptial agreement does not apply to kids before you actually have the kids: While prenuptial agreements can be of great value to address how assets will be divided in a divorce, these agreements don't apply to issues relating to children who were not born at the time of the agreement. After a couple has children, prenuptial agreements can be revised in the form of a postnuptial agreement that sets outs the couple's wishes if they were to divorce while the children are still minors. This kind of planning may seem dreary in the months and years after a baby arrives, but the time, expense and heartache that can be saved from planning for the worst is priceless.
Judges often don't approve of 50/50 custody: In any divorce involving children, the Judge is charged with making custody and visitation issues which are in the best interest of the children. As individuals, these judges have their own unique life experiences and opinions about the types of custody arrangements are most beneficial for children. Don't assume that just because you and your spouse agree on an arrangement, the Judge will agree. Many times, Judges reject "week on/week off" types of arrangements because they don't feel that the children thrive without a more consistent home base. To be on the safe side, it is always helpful to meet with a child counselor to discuss your proposed arrangement before presenting it to the court. Judges are more likely to go along with an arrangement if a child counselor has signed off on the plan.
You can't be a helicopter parent and the kids not see the helicopter: Parents today often involve themselves in every aspect of their kids' lives in order to protect them. But the fact that your child is never let out of arm's reach also means the child is experiencing nearly every aspect of their parents' lives. When parents are having relationship issues, these children see more arguments, breakdowns, and criticism than in generations past when children were relegated to the back yard for hours while mom or dad vented about the other to friends, parents and other patient listeners. This exposure to their parents' arguments and emotional turmoil during a divorce can be damaging in ways that we can't fully fathom yet. The more steps a couple takes to keep their relationship drama separate from their lives as parents, the less affected the kids will likely be from the divorce.
Even if divorce is amicable, spend the money to have another lawyer look at the divorce documents: In some states, one lawyer can draw up all of the divorce paperwork for a couple but only technically be "representing" one party. Regardless of how simple your divorce may be or how comfortable you feel with your spouse's lawyer, you always need to have your own lawyer look at the documents from your vantage point. This kind of review is not that expensive and it will give you peace of mind and clarity. It is certainly less expensive than trying to go back later and change something that you missed when you originally signed off on the papers.
The more dysfunctional the relationship, the more expensive the divorce: Divorce lawyers make a lot of their money by babysitting the couple who can't even have a conversation with each other about the most minor things. Often, when a couple is going through a divorce, they simply get lazy and avoid communicating with each other and instead route every issue through the lawyers. From how much to spend on school clothes to where a child will go to summer camp this year, these minor issues often have unnecessary lawyer involvement while the divorce is pending. While calling the lawyer to communicate for you may be easier than having an uncomfortable phone call, the experience of seeing the lawyer's bill for this type of babysitting is often much more painful. Don't waste money for lawyers to do what you and your soon to be ex need to be able to handle.
Having the choice to get legally married is something I hope to one day achieve, but for those who already have that ability, the choice should be an educated one. Knowing what might happen if things turn sour can open up communication and may ultimately reduce the risk of a nasty divorce.
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Melissa is right about the importance of having a lawyer review the final agreement. If a mediator is used to facilitate the process, each party should have his or her own attorney review and explain the agreement before it is signed. (Even though there is one more professional to pay, the use of a mediator to guide the process and independent counsel to review its product is definitely less expensive than an attempt to have lawyers "negotiate" the deal on behalf of their clients.)
Here's four additional suggestions-
1. Interview at least two, preferably three or four mediators before choosing yours. When you hit a rough patch, the exposure to more than one mediator makes you better able to decide if the problem originates with the mediator or with what you (the couple) bring to the mediation.
2. Mediation is an occupation that’s not subject to governmental oversight. There is no general agreement as to how mediation should be done. Before selecting a mediator, find out how that mediator works. The question I suggest is: “What is your theory of practice?” The mediator might not know a formal definition for “theory of practice,” but the gist of the question is self-evident; anyone who works in a thoughtful and deliberate way should be able to answer without rehearsal.
3. If the marital estate is substantial in value, the mediation process should include a review of the final agreement by separate and independent counsel. The mediator should be able to recommend a number of lawyers willing to provide a service that’s in the best interests of the parties and the mediation.
4. The emotional divorce drives the legal divorce. There is evidence that strongly suggests that the grieving incident to divorce requires somewhere between eighteen and thirty-six months, regardless of the duration of the marriage.
What engaged people should learn:
1) About 44 percent of marriages end in divorce.
2) Women initiate more than two out of three.
3) The usual causes are not infidelity, abuse or similarly serious breach.
4) Most divorce-seekers cite feeling unappreciated or unloved or lacking emotional fulfillment.
5) The better-educated you are, the more likely any divorce will be initiated by the woman.
6) When kids are involved, odds of a woman-initiated divorce increase further.
7) The vast majority of divorces are unilateral and opposed by the other partner.
8) Kids oppose almost all divorces.
9) Divorce approximately double's kids' chances for many ills, from teen pregnancy to suicide.
10) Divorced men are far more likely than others to commit suicide. Divorced women aren't.
11) Kids are mothers' property; 82 percent of kids of divorced parents live with the mother.
12) Fathers are mothers' ATMs; 87 percent of child support recipients are female.
13) Expectation of custody is the single most powerful factor controlling who files for divorce.
14) When she files, he'll be evicted from home at the point of a court order, become a stranger to his kids, and pay her a third of his future income for many years, or go to jail.
Boyd Lemon-Author of “Eat, Walk, Write: An American Senior’s Year of Adventure in Paris and Tuscany,” "Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages," the author’s journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages and “Unexpected Love and Other Stories. Information, reviews and excerpts: http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com.
Travel blog: http://boomertravelblog.com.
And tell us why a person should "stick it out and make it work." That is propaganda. What is so special about marriage the a couple should want to "make it work?" And why would you divorce your wife for adultery? You CLAIM you love her. If adultery makes her happy, isn't that what you want for her? Or did you marry her to control her; to coerce her into doing what makes YOU happy? And what made you realize you "had to make it work?" Why did you have to make it work?
I think your attitude is one of the most unhealthy attitudes I can imagine. You are willing to stay unhappy just because "why?" I honestly want to know. Why is it you feel you would stay married even if you were unhappy? And what is it about adultery that you find to be the "exception?"
Men - never get married - it is an outdated scam.
You're sticking to a single definition of Fickle. Fickle-minded people actually display predictable characteristics of constant change not wanting to commit. This behavior is a result of their inability to make decisions or not trusting themselves or others completely. It is also a result of not being able to control everything the way they see fit. Hence keeping open, the option of easily bailing from the relationship.
Ground.
If you still feel like getting married - good for you and at least you'll be going into knowing what you will be facing if there is a divorce.