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Perils Of A Frequent Flyer: Thought Processes At 36,000 Feet

Some consider the flight to their destination as an extension of their vacation, whereas others despise it. Despite our differences, so many of us share the same coping mechanisms for life at 36,000 feet...
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Freelance Travel Writer and Editor at www.highheelsandabackpack.com

Freelance Travel Writer and Editor at www.highheelsandabackpack.com
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Some consider the flight to their destination as an extension of their vacation, whereas others despise it.

Despite our differences, so many of us share the same coping mechanisms for life at 36,000 feet...

Preparing for Take Off

  • The excitement and glee when you get on the plane and there is no-one in the seats next to you so you can lay horizontally - First Class recliners eat your heart out!

  • ..The contrasting sadness and borderline fury when you think you've got the entire row to yourself and then someone shows up to sit beside you at the last minute. You don't care who this guy is or where he's from - he will be subject to your glares for the duration of the flight now for depriving you of some quality horizontal time.

  • When the flight attendant snaps shut that curtain between First Class and Economy so that us poor folk can't see in - just in case "poor" is something that they can catch.

  • You've travelled a lot, but you still consider those first few minutes after the plane takes off as make or break with regards to whether or not you will survive.


    • In Flight

    • There's turbulence and your orange juice is sloshing violently all over the place, so you try to gauge the likelihood of death by assessing the Steward's facial expressions.

  • You draw the conclusion that this particular bout of air turbulence will be deadly and try to mentally prepare yourself for death. You're no fool, you used to watch LOST.

  • The stress when you hear that there are two menu options and you only like one of them and their availability is limited. You want the chicken damn it, not the Salmon. Your heart drops every time you hear someone exclaim "Chicken please!" just in case that is the last Chicken.

  • When you're not feeling so hot but the drinks are free so you need to make the most of this opportunity with as much free alcohol as possible... you can't be making a fool's choice of Coca Cola now can you? That's hardly a return on investment.

  • You've made no effort with your appearance, confident in the belief that no-one makes an effort for a flight, then you spot a hottie opening his bag of complimentary pretzels across the aisle and frantically set about wiping drool off your chin and trying to look presentable.

  • You recline in your seat for maximum comfort but feel furious if the person in the seat in front of you does the same compromising your small television viewing pleasure.

    • When nature calls...

    • You're not entirely convinced that there isn't at least a small possibility that you could get sucked down the toilet... That thing's powerful!

  • The lighting in these plane toilets is so unflattering. You wonder if you've always been this ugly as you gaze upon your bleary eyed reflection. Have I always looked like that? Are my eyes really so squinty? It's a wonder I'm not still a Virgin!

  • You've flown so many times now that you've developed a strategy for using the bathroom at the correct times to avoid the masses. (For future reference: right before the meal = optimal, right after the meal = poor choice... no-one wants to be in a long line of passengers after beef curry's been served do they?)

  • Having to take a dump would be a fate worse than death. There's no concealing it pal, we all saw you go in there and we all know what you've been doing for the past ten minutes; don't be spraying that complimentary airline fragrance around like you're fooling us.
    • Arrival at Destination
    • There's always that one guy who springs out of his chair like a Jack in a box when the seatbelt sign goes off, despite being sat by the Window or the middle of the row where he has to wait for those next to him to get out first. He gets equal glares to the guy that deprived you of your horizontal time.

  • The idea of your checked bag whizzing around and around on the conveyor belt at baggage claim to fend for itself always makes you feel nervous - even if there's nothing of particular value in it.

  • Walking through "Nothing to Declare" makes you nervous, even though you know that you genuinely have nothing to declare. You put on your most inconspicuous strut to emphasise your good character.

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