A few months ago, I woke up feeling peaceful for the first time in months. I'm 29, I had just closed on my first apartment, and I was leaving a five-year relationship that had become a stew pot of lies, resentment, and anger. While scores of articles eagerly inform me that unmarried men are now as scarce as a renewable energy source, I've stubbornly refused to write the last five years off as a colossal failure. Instead, I've been throwing all my energy toward taking responsibility for my part in the relationship, learning what I can from it, and moving on with life.
Then, like every other white-collar woman north of the equator, I read this. At first, I laughed it off. It was assumptive. It was illogical. It was judgmental. It reeked of the "It is INEVITABLE that all women feel this way, and if they don't think they do then they're just in DENIAL!" school of social theory -- never much of a recipe for enlightenment, for yourself or anyone else. So I shrugged, chalked the piece up to yet another woman existentially disappointed by men, and went back to my inner harmony.
Like many (not all) women around my age, I want the full package -- a husband, children, a life that's multidimensionally fulfilled, but centered around more than my own needs and ambitions. It's a strange time to be female, in an era where women are labeled selfish if they decide not to procreate, but tarred and feathered if they do it too much. I don't proclaim to know if the Malthusians are right -- all I know is that, as a female in possession of a working uterus, I don't have a clearer desire for my time on this planet other than to produce offspring. As a child of divorced Boomers, I have no illusions about marriage, but I consider it a gamble worth taking. In short, I want what every human being wants: happiness, in the brand and packaging of my choice.
But a few days later, my hard-earned harmony was gone, replaced by something new: Gottlieb, the new voice of late-thirties angst, preaching in the back of my head. "Settle now, or you'll wind up alone!" Her words had crept into my subconscious, blending all my fears and anxieties into a constant mosquito whine of self-doubt. Would I ever find someone as "good" as the man I'd just left? Had I blown whatever miniscule chance I had at happiness? "What makes you think you know better than her?" my inner dialogue ranted. "What makes you think you deserve better?"
Within a week, this 5,500 word tome of regret and resignation, from which book and movie deals have sprung, had fixed itself a permanent spot in my head. It's there, in every phone conversation with my ex, in every attempt at a date, the first thing I hear every morning when I wake up in my new bedroom, alone. All those nagging anxieties now have a champion, a single crystallized voice intent on plotting a future for me based on fear. My power and self-assurance have a new enemy, and it's being adapted for film by Tobey Maguire.
Logically, I know it's all smoke and mirrors. Gottlieb's sentence on my life is not The Truth. It is the interpretation of a late thirties woman who is apparently unhappy with the way things turned out for her. It is a hopeless bastardization of the fact that no man or woman is some fantasy version of perfection, and the choice to be in a committed relationship is just that -- a choice made every day, regardless of faults, foibles, or annoying idiosyncracies. The Truth is that I've known happiness with another person. I've watched it fall apart, but I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. And I know that I'll have the opportunity.
So honestly? Screw you, Lori Gottlieb. Screw you for exploiting my deepest fears for a piece you knew would clang the inflammatory gong. Screw you for cashing in after injecting me with your own regret and disappointment. I know of you only what I read in online bios, but I do know that you made your own choices in life, and have no right to dictate mine. And so, I hereby exorcise your past from my future. I may end up wizened and alone; I may not. But either way, it won't be because you decreed that my fate as a woman was "Settle, or Else."
This post originally appeared in Opinionistas.com.
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You have to have a certain attitude or personality to thrive and cope with the constant pressures of single motherhood and it sounds like Lori Gottlieb did not look before she lept into this. Like most people who have never had kids (myself included, back then) she had no idea how exhausting it is. Now it sounds like she is the desperate one, not you.
It is NOT easier to be married to the wrong person. If it was, our divorce rate would not be so high. It IS better to live with yourself than to live with someone who is not compatible with you. I married and had my child later than average and I am so glad I held out for someone like my husband. Complete trust and acceptance is so important; especially if you are going to have a family together.
To which Erma Bombeck, domestic philsopher and Good Housekeeping columnist, replied, "Even if it is true that it is possible to have it all, that still doesn't mean that you get to have it all *at once.*"
Or, I would add, all the time.
Of course, we can't. But we try...and we try.
Thus is born our experience of suffering - so Buddha taught.
And he was right.
Frustration, unfulfilled hopes and desires, mediocrity, dissatisfaction, possible depression, possibly children who will be a constant reminder of what you "settled" for. Never settle...EVER. Neither man nor woman. If a man "settles", he's likely to either openly or passive-aggresively abuse/resent/distance himself from his (frustrated unfulfilled dissatisfied) partner, cheat, "let himself go" be unmotivated and the general quality of life for both partners goes way down. We're not talking about men who will only date anorexic women half their age or women who will only date a man with a degree and a fat wallet. We're talking compatibility, shared interests, philosophies/religion, politics, EMOTIONAL MATURITY, healthy love, teamwork, and yes, passion in or out of the bedroom. No one should settle for less.
"Settling" as in "not holding out ONLY for whatever your current view of moment is, regarding The Perfect Man" makes sense ... in terms of "be open to possibilities you may not have considered and honestly evaluate the total package." In other words: Make sure to give Love a chance.
"Settling" as in "the clock's ticking and I'd better take something, whether I like it or not" is incredibly foolish: As anyone who has experienced it will tell you, it is better to be alone than in a relationship with no love.
But the last part of your piece makes me think you're projecting anger towards her that might be coming from another place. When other women make money or become famous or get book or movie deals and I don't think they deserve it, I don't say "screw you" to them. I say "the world isn't always fair - some people who don't deserve it get lucky but at least they tried - good for them."
You just ended a longterm relationship a month ago - it takes time to heal from that. Of course a woman writing about the fear of being alone is going to make you angry because it reminds you of what you lost - the man, the children you might have had, your future with that man. You need time to grieve. So my point is don't get angry at her - wait a few years. I'm predicting you will be with an even better man, you will be grateful and you will read her article again and just laugh about it.
Now you are a woman I could marry!! Except for the fact that I am married already, for almost 24 years, and plan to stay that way until one of us is dead. After that, you never know. If I'm the one still living I'll drop you a line. Unless you're married. Maybe you have a sister who won't be married or dead by then.