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23 Things I Think New Parents Should Know

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1. The more time and effort put into decorating a nursery, the more likely that the baby will sleep in your room.

2. Things that don't wake a sleeping newborn: loud noises and bright lights. Things that do wake a sleeping newborn: sitting down to eat dinner.

3. Maybe they'll say it's the eyes. Maybe they'll say it's the mouth. Whatever it is, people will insist on telling you that your newborn looks like you. It's almost never true.

4. You may not want to cut your baby's nails because you are afraid of making her bleed. However, if you don't cut your baby's nails, she will probably scratch herself and, then, she'll bleed. So, why postpone the inevitable?

5. There is no greater thrill than the first time a baby calls out "mama" or "dada," even when it is directed toward the cat.

6. Sleeping a lot and eating a lot are traits highly cherished in babies. Unfortunately, neither are particularly admired in adults.

7. As a new parent, strangers will often approach you to ask, "Is she a good baby?" Surprise them by saying, "No, she's kind of an #$$hole."

8. You will discover that there must have been something very, very tricky about composing a melody for "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," The ABC's," and "Baa Baa Black Sheep."

9. From the moment you arrive home from the hospital, you will be asked if your baby sleeps through the night. Tell them you don't know. Tell them you spend most nights out clubbing.

10. Make sure you learn all the noises that farm animals make. Even though most people no longer live on farms, the sounds that sheep, pigs and cows make are priority number one when teaching your little one to talk.

11. If she is wearing a nice outfit, it is likely that your baby will poop.

12. If you are wearing a nice outfit, it is likely that your baby will poop.

13. Despite advances in science, no one has figured out how to diagnose a dirty diaper besides sniffing at it or peeking in it. When you're in public, learn to do this discreetly.

14. Never in your wildest dreams (or worst nightmares) did you ever imagine how much you would be talking about poop. Unless you work for a laxative company. If you work for a laxative company, you are probably already talking about poop a lot.

15. Strangers are friendly when you're with with a baby. That said, strangers are even friendlier when you're with a puppy.

16. One of the surprise perks of having a baby? When you're with one, you can talk to yourself out loud and people don't look at you like you're crazy.

17. Everyone tells you to "sleep when the baby's sleeping." It's good advice. But, remember, it's "sleep when the baby's sleeping... unless the baby fell asleep in the car and you're driving."

18. Don't beat yourself up over every little thing. Babies have really low expectations.

19. If you think you might be posting too many pictures on Facebook, you probably are.

20. No matter how much you love your child, naptime is never long enough.

21. When people come to visit in the first weeks after you come home from the hospital, remember they are there to see you and the baby. Remember they don't expect you or your house to look perfect. And remember, if you are talking anywhere near the baby monitor, there's a good chance they can hear you.

22. The secret to being a good parent? There isn't one. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

23. When all else fails, if you can't stop your baby from crying, turn on some music and dance around the living room. Even if the crying doesn't stop, at least you'll enjoy yourself.