The conundrum to raising healthy kids is that in order to have a resilient, strong, smart, adaptable adult you have to endure these traits as they frustratingly develop under your roof. Of the many gripes that I hear from parents, describing their child as disrespectful, ungrateful, and disruptive appears the most! And, while most of that description comes from a mixture of factors that span beyond the child's illustrated behavior, one fact does remain: raising kids is hard.
It doesn't help either that this task continues to get increasingly difficult in a world that seems to thrive on unhealthy acts and themes. We all now know that emotional intelligence paired with meditation and self-care mixed with support from a nurturing community is what really helps parents and their children thrive. However, take one look at our current state of fear-mongering, shaming, and dirt throwing will show you that very few people in our world truly practice this!
And, here you sit in the midst of wanting to raising a healthy child while fighting the unhealthiness of our world and the fallible aspects of your own humanness. It's enough to make anyone want to throw in the towel! But, let me offer another perspective that sheds light on what you can do to raise healthy, imperfectly whole, resiliently confident kids -- because yes, it can be done!
The 5 Secrets to Raising Healthy Kids In An Unhealthy World
1. Give Them A Voice
This is the most important aspect of helping your child be healthy - and it's the piece of being human that many of us lose as we grow older. From a childhood of having my voice dismissed, I know how integral it is to get passed how your child talks and focus more on what they're saying. There is a cute meme that I have seen over and over again on social media that says that parents want their child to be able to stand up for themselves, be assertive, and get their needs met, but not while the child is in their home. While that may be said in jest, you can definitely relate to this idea: you want a child who has a voice but you don't want that voice to cause tension in your home. Too many times we stall communication with our children because we get hung up on how they are saying things. But, let's be real - communication is difficult. And, in the fast moving digital revolution, using our voice is losing its relevance. The best way to wield this part of your parenting is to listen to WHAT your child is saying and guide (instead of reprimand) them on HOW to say it more effectively. Your child's voice will become their most valuable tools in maintaining their emotional and mental health as they mature - and you don't want to diminish it to the point that they don't know when or how to use it.
2. Get Rid of The Labels
The reason why labels are so strong and stick so much is because we internalize what people we care about say to us. Children look to their parents for guidance and support in developing a sense of who they are. But, a flippant remark can latch itself onto a child and stick with them for years. When we use labels such as lazy, stupid, fat, skinny, smart, cute, good, bad, or any of the other words we use to categorize one another we are essentially telling our children how to think about themselves. In our attempts to make a child understand who they are we sometimes forget that they are trying to process a lot of information about their world while also developing a self-image that they will carry them for the rest of their life. In getting rid of the labels and raise a healthy child, I challenge you to encourage a positive self-image in your child by talking to them about what they think of themselves and leaving space for that to evolve over time. You can ask them open-ended questions that will tell you about your child's thoughts about themselves! This will most definitely you more information about how to help them develop a healthy self image and challenge you to check your expectations at the door. A healthy kid is one who knows who they are, can talk openly about what that means as they grow, and who has the courage to evolve as they learn more about themselves.
3. Lose The Desire For Perfection
Perfection is the killer of everything healthy and sane -- or, at least that's what I have come to believe and know. As a Virgo and recovering perfectionist myself, I can say that many a night has been lost -- and too many meltdowns to count have transpired -- when things didn't go perfectly for me. Some of that perfection came from the desire for approval and acceptance from others that I picked up as a kid, but the other half of it came from my own desire to obtain the elusive perfect life our world constantly bombards us with. The funny thing is that your children feel the same pressure - with the impossible expectations we set about them to be a well-rounded human who can make straight A's, be president of every school activity, avoid all the peer pressure, make all the right decisions, and know what they want to do with their lives by the end of middle school. But, if you're on the journey to raising healthy kids, this all has to stop. And, it has to stop NOW! What we're doing is setting our children up to believe that perfection is the only route to happiness and creating a generation who never learns how to be resilient through hard times. Grasping this secret to raising healthy kids -- and the best way to lose the perfectionism as it creeps up -- starts with being honest your expectations for your child while also leaving space for mistakes and failures. No one -- not even you -- can manage life without failures and mistakes. A healthy kid who is aware that mistakes are part of the learning process becomes a healthy adult who allows space for not being perfect all the time.
4. Check Out of The Shame Game
You knew that this would be a part of the steps I shared if you've ever read anything that I've published before. And, it's still such a huge part of our society that it still needs to be talked about in raising healthy kids. When you allow shame and blame to enter into your parenting it teaches the exact opposite of whatever you're trying to convey -- your child learns that mistakes are to be avoided, lies need to be created to avoid imperfection, and that being fully human is only attainable if you don't mess things up. If you're questioning this, think about the last time you felt relaxed about taking your meltdown-prone child to a birthday party at another parent's home. That tight, sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach at this thought is what shame does to us -- shame is debilitating for both you and your child. Since I've talked about this as a bigger issue before, I'll encourage you to stop the cycle of shaming by shame-proofing your parenting - and thereby shame-proofing your family. Shame-proofing your parenting is when you acknowledge the family that you have (not the one you should have) and you become aware that each member in your family is unique and worthy to be who they are. You can learn more about shame-proofing your parenting here!
5. Get Comfortable With Emotional Intelligence
A human's emotional vocabulary is so integral to their development and their well being. The only difference between a child's emotions and an adult's is that the child does not have the words to express how they feel. This is mostly because we allow our children to develop academically thinking that logic and cognitive development will quell the intensity of their emotions. Well, here's a new perspective: emotions and logic operate in different parts of the brain. Dr. Daniel Siegel's work has shown us that there are three parts of our brains that develop and operate in different ways. The cool piece of this research is that our emotional brain actually comes online before our cognitive (higher) brain does -- for you that means that you might want to start teaching emotional literacy before academic literacy! But, let's be realistic, many families take pride in having a smart, academically gifted kid. So, how do we incorporate the emotional intelligence piece? I always encourage families to get comfortable talking about emotions and naming them as they come up. Parents can sometimes illustrate the not-so-great ways to display emotions when they are upset or feeling down. But instead of trying to hide those emotions, I encourage you to name them and normalize them! There is definitely more to building emotional intelligence in raising healthy kids, but starting with naming emotions and making conversations about emotions normal is a great start!
It's not a small task to raise healthy kids in a world that prides itself on violence, fear, and shame -- but that's even more of a reason to raise children who can be resilient and confident in being a whole human. When I work with families in the Raising Healthy Kids program (a monthly membership community for parents that you can check out here), I always encourage parents to be honest with themselves about their humanness so that their children realize that being human is not about being perfect. However, being human is about awareness, committing to positive change, seeking empowering support, and being okay with the messiness that we encounter in life. If you're looking to raising healthy kids, I encourage you to incorporate these steps into your parenting. And, if you're seeking support in taking action on these steps, join the Raising Healthy Kids monthly community !