My fellow Republicans, I am pleased to report to you today... far from the beltway media ...that the end is near. Don't get too excited: I'm not talking about the actual Apocalypse. (Only Harold Camping can predict that.) I'm talking about the economic Apocalypse that will be brought on when the U.S. defaults on its debt this August.
How could that be, you say? Just this week, President Obama is assembling top Republicans and Democrats to deal with the political impasse. The leaders are charged with the task of crafting a solution to cut spending to such levels that the Republicans will agree to raise the debt ceiling.
But you and I know the truth. This so-called compromise will never happen.
For decades, real conservatives have secretly battled the welfare state given birth to by that liberal wackadoodle, Franklin D. Roosevelt, with his puerile "workfare" ideas about ending the Depression. (It case you hadn't heard, Frankie, it was World War II that actually pulled us out of our economic woes.) After FDR, people got hooked on the "free molyassey" brought to them by the welfare state. They wanted more. John Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson gave them more in The Great Society -- Medicare, Welfare, and the expansion of Social Security.
It was in those days that everything went haywire in America. Desegregation, the pill, legalized abortion, women running around thinking they could wear pants and do a man's job. It was the beginning of the end, my friend. You know it and I know it. We were not just "Slouching towards Gomorrah" as Dr. Robert Bork wrote... we were barreling towards hell on a socialist-inspired European bullet train.
But, ladies and gentlemen, all that is coming to an end. The final culmination of our "starve the beast" strategy is working and the finale is around the corner: America is only weeks away (August 2nd) from defaulting on our debt. And here's the bonus: not only are we going to go over the cliff, we can take the rest of the world with us!
Bravo conservatives! Bravo!
The media seems surprised. They ask us: Are you trying to destroy the economy by not raising the debt ceiling? Isn't it obvious by now? Yes!
Starve the beast was a philosophy handed down by our greatest leader prophet Ronald Reagan himself. He foreshadowed the strategy during the 1980 Presidential debates, saying "John Anderson tells us that first we've got to reduce spending before we can reduce taxes. Well, if you've got a kid that's extravagant, you can lecture him all you want to about his extravagance. Or you can cut his allowance and achieve the same end much quicker."
From there, "starve the beast" became our secret mantra. It was the only way to undo, what had been done. Cut taxes, strangle the supply chain. It took their vision, but it also took this generation's hard work -- the Bush tax cuts, oil subsidies, and corporate giveaways. Not to mention lavish defense spending and wars in the Middle East (kudos on Iraq, G.W. didn't see that one coming!).
Of course, we couldn't have done it without our unwitting accomplices. By not stepping up to the plate and fixing the generational, systemic problems of Medicare, Social Security and the skyrocketing costs of health care (earlier) ...you Democrats just made it that much easier to empty our coffers. Oh, and thanks for escalating the war in Afghanistan. Obama, we couldn't have done it without you!
So here we are after decades of hard work staring at the precipice of oblivion. I am often reminded of the last scene of Wagner's Götterdammerung. (God, I love Wagner.) The funeral pyre is lit. Heroine Brünnhilde rides in on her horse, delivering the ring to the Rhinemaidens. Valhalla is set on fire and the world is destroyed!
Like many of my conservative brethren, I am taken with these apocalyptic visions. I believe that death is the only opportunity for rebirth. It's like when God flooded the earth, and started again with Noah. Or when you burn the land to plant new seed. Sometimes, as my mother says, you've got to destroy the things you love to make them live again.
It's not far now. Just a few more weeks to hold out, gentlemen. Once we default on our debt and our economy collapses, a new America can be reborn. A lawless land where the values of true individualism can reign free from the social safety net we call civilization. We can unleash our competitive nature, beat our chests, hunt, fish in a clear stream. Amen, Hallelujah, Howard Roark.