More

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Meredith Bagby

GET UPDATES FROM Meredith Bagby
 

Rejoice, Republicans! The End Is Near

Posted: 07/07/11 12:03 PM ET

My fellow Republicans, I am pleased to report to you today... far from the beltway media ...that the end is near. Don't get too excited: I'm not talking about the actual Apocalypse. (Only Harold Camping can predict that.) I'm talking about the economic Apocalypse that will be brought on when the U.S. defaults on its debt this August.

How could that be, you say? Just this week, President Obama is assembling top Republicans and Democrats to deal with the political impasse. The leaders are charged with the task of crafting a solution to cut spending to such levels that the Republicans will agree to raise the debt ceiling.

But you and I know the truth. This so-called compromise will never happen.

For decades, real conservatives have secretly battled the welfare state given birth to by that liberal wackadoodle, Franklin D. Roosevelt, with his puerile "workfare" ideas about ending the Depression. (It case you hadn't heard, Frankie, it was World War II that actually pulled us out of our economic woes.) After FDR, people got hooked on the "free molyassey" brought to them by the welfare state. They wanted more. John Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson gave them more in The Great Society -- Medicare, Welfare, and the expansion of Social Security.

It was in those days that everything went haywire in America. Desegregation, the pill, legalized abortion, women running around thinking they could wear pants and do a man's job. It was the beginning of the end, my friend. You know it and I know it. We were not just "Slouching towards Gomorrah" as Dr. Robert Bork wrote... we were barreling towards hell on a socialist-inspired European bullet train.

But, ladies and gentlemen, all that is coming to an end. The final culmination of our "starve the beast" strategy is working and the finale is around the corner: America is only weeks away (August 2nd) from defaulting on our debt. And here's the bonus: not only are we going to go over the cliff, we can take the rest of the world with us!

Bravo conservatives! Bravo!

The media seems surprised. They ask us: Are you trying to destroy the economy by not raising the debt ceiling? Isn't it obvious by now? Yes!

Starve the beast was a philosophy handed down by our greatest leader prophet Ronald Reagan himself. He foreshadowed the strategy during the 1980 Presidential debates, saying "John Anderson tells us that first we've got to reduce spending before we can reduce taxes. Well, if you've got a kid that's extravagant, you can lecture him all you want to about his extravagance. Or you can cut his allowance and achieve the same end much quicker."

From there, "starve the beast" became our secret mantra. It was the only way to undo, what had been done. Cut taxes, strangle the supply chain. It took their vision, but it also took this generation's hard work -- the Bush tax cuts, oil subsidies, and corporate giveaways. Not to mention lavish defense spending and wars in the Middle East (kudos on Iraq, G.W. didn't see that one coming!).

Of course, we couldn't have done it without our unwitting accomplices. By not stepping up to the plate and fixing the generational, systemic problems of Medicare, Social Security and the skyrocketing costs of health care (earlier) ...you Democrats just made it that much easier to empty our coffers. Oh, and thanks for escalating the war in Afghanistan. Obama, we couldn't have done it without you!

So here we are after decades of hard work staring at the precipice of oblivion. I am often reminded of the last scene of Wagner's Götterdammerung. (God, I love Wagner.) The funeral pyre is lit. Heroine Brünnhilde rides in on her horse, delivering the ring to the Rhinemaidens. Valhalla is set on fire and the world is destroyed!

Like many of my conservative brethren, I am taken with these apocalyptic visions. I believe that death is the only opportunity for rebirth. It's like when God flooded the earth, and started again with Noah. Or when you burn the land to plant new seed. Sometimes, as my mother says, you've got to destroy the things you love to make them live again.

It's not far now. Just a few more weeks to hold out, gentlemen. Once we default on our debt and our economy collapses, a new America can be reborn. A lawless land where the values of true individualism can reign free from the social safety net we call civilization. We can unleash our competitive nature, beat our chests, hunt, fish in a clear stream. Amen, Hallelujah, Howard Roark.

 

Follow Meredith Bagby on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bagbyreports

My fellow Republicans, I am pleased to report to you today... far from the beltway media ...that the end is near. Don't get too excited: I'm not talking about the actual Apocalypse. (Only Harold Camp...
My fellow Republicans, I am pleased to report to you today... far from the beltway media ...that the end is near. Don't get too excited: I'm not talking about the actual Apocalypse. (Only Harold Camp...
 
 
  • Comments
  • 22
  • Pending Comments
  • 0
  • View FAQ
Comments are closed for this entry
View All
Favorites
Recency  | 
Popularity
04:48 PM on 07/11/2011
Hooray. At least one Republican is claiming responsibility for the economic terrorism they are about to inflict on the world.

They keep forgetting, all that wealth they have accumulated won't be worth anything after the economies it is based on collapse. When the house of cards falls, there really are not any magical cards they stay afloat in midair.
01:07 PM on 07/10/2011
Hilariously sarcastic article! I have to say that I am alarmed by the comments here by people who think the author was being serious...

If the debt ceiling is not raised, it will be nothing short of disastrous for our country. That this political game of chicken has gone on in the manner it has, has given the rest of the world yet another reason to discount the US's chances of sustaining its power in the global economy in the long term ...I hope our leaders get their act together.
04:54 PM on 07/07/2011
Excellent and well written. I love it
04:22 PM on 07/07/2011
It was WWII. Until the war, unemployment was basically the same as it had been. In fact a study done shows that the so-called "multiplier effect" is 0.8. So for every dollar the government spends, its only $0.80 into the economy. And I find it hilarious that you can print this, but if someone did a scathing sarcastic piece about Obama, they'd be racist. Gotta love double standards.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
cliffstep
03:00 PM on 07/07/2011
Rarely does sarcasm work in print. Congratulations.
thebigbike
ran away to be a cowboy
03:00 PM on 07/07/2011
Some one finally tells the truth unamibiguously. the gooopers don;t care if the nation is taken down, as long as the can "beat the dems" beat the dems that's it./ prove government can't work. even it means destroying from the inside . like dubya and hatch and inhofe and istook and delay and demint, and cornyn and kyl and the list just keeps on growing.....
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
photo
01:36 PM on 07/07/2011
Paying off the US debt cost 20 billion a month. The US government makes 200 billion a month in revenue. There is NO WAY we can default on the debt even if the debt ceiling is not raised. The only way we would default on the debt without a debt ceiling being raised if Timothy Geithner allowed it to happen by not prioritizing paying the debt off. Again 200 billion a month comes in, only 20 billion a month is needed to pay off the debt.

Drop the scare tatics. You are basically lying.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
cliffstep
03:32 PM on 07/07/2011
Timmy! That's who did it!
Not the two stupid wars on Daddy's credit card. Not the Prescription drug benefit on daddy's credit card. Not the corporate give-aways. Not the disappearing tax rates for the squires....
It's Timmy!
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
numushazi
Reagan raised taxes eleven times as President
07:58 PM on 07/07/2011
Wow you solved it.... Just 20billion a month. Mr Geithner should hurry up & take lessons from you and Michelle Bachman. OK sanity now; your numbers are dodgy at best(please cite sources next time),if we default the US government will only be able to pay about 56% - 60% of its obligations(short-term). If Geithner prioritizes paying the debt as you put it, what will happen to all the other obligations????? Seniors need their Social security checks, Families on food stamps, Medicare, Federal employee salaries, army,contractors etc... Thats the good news, what about the markets & the global economy?? Greece has a GDP of $329.9 billion,we have a GDP of $14.12 trillion. Greece didn't even default, just the speculation of it happening was enough to throw Europe into chaos. Your post highlights the kind of willful ignorance that is plaguing the conservatives today. The absolute inability to grasp basic principles of how government institutions operate is becoming a staple of GOP leaders & their supporters.

http://www.examiner.com/political-buzz-in-national/so-what-happens-if-the-united-states-goes-into-default#ixzz1RSxgDXJa
photo
SeenItBefore
Ya want to super size that?
01:30 PM on 07/07/2011
Most of us are still waiting for a trickle that isn't second hand, wet and warm.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
stewartm0205
01:09 PM on 07/07/2011
I am hoping they don't vote to raise the ceiling because this is a weapon that they can use again and again as long as there is a Democrat in the White House if they only threaten to use it. But once they use it, it's over with. Either they destroy the economy and dare not use it again or nothing happen and nobody listens to their threats. So please, pretty please vote to not raise the ceiling.
photo
SeenItBefore
Ya want to super size that?
01:29 PM on 07/07/2011
The debt ceiling has been raised many times. It's our way of telling the rest of the world we are profligates and have no intentions of reining ourselves in... also, it sends a clear message that we will, yet again, be selling ourselves and diluting our worth.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
photo
01:37 PM on 07/07/2011
"The fact that we're here today to debate raising America's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. Leadership means 'The buck stops here.' Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better. I therefore intend to oppose the effort to increase America's debt limit."
-Barack Obama 2006
12:55 PM on 07/07/2011
I to embrace this ideal. For too long now my suit of armor fashioned from old tires and scrap metal ("Road warior" Style) Has gathered dust. For years i hear about places like Afghanistan where i could join my true career path Tribal Warlord, but we are to rich a nation to support such fun jobs. With a mix of FOX news style manipulation, Cunning and cannibalism i will take over most of the eastern sea board. Hit me up if you want to have dinner sometime.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Awake-and-Sing
named after a great play written by Clifford Odets
12:43 PM on 07/07/2011
Conservatives who think that "Atlas Shrugged" is a documentary rather than FICTION (as even Ayn Rand took Social Security and Medicare despite her ideology) will finally be happy.

America will be a third world theocratic fascist state where a few people have all the wealth and power that they pass on to their heirs in the aristocracy.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
photo
01:38 PM on 07/07/2011
20 billion a month is needed to pay off the debt. The government makes 200 billion a month now. This is a scare tatic. Do some research.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Awake-and-Sing
named after a great play written by Clifford Odets
02:05 PM on 07/07/2011
The superwealthy have consolidated the nation's wealth into their hands and their taxes have never been lower.

Do some research.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
cliffstep
03:13 PM on 07/07/2011
Just trying some simple math here:
Let's assume the debt to be 10 trillion. At 20 billion a month , that's 120 billion a year. Roughly 9 years will pay off one trillion dollars. Roughly 90 years will pay off 10 trillion.
That also assumes no more assumed debt , so 90 divided by four is roughly 28.
So , if we elect democratic majorities (super majorities in the Senate , of course) and Democratic Presidents for the next 28 terms , we have a chance.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
outsidethemainstream
03:02 PM on 07/07/2011
you nailed it.

fanned you already. wish I could again. you are so faved.
12:25 PM on 07/07/2011
"...fish in a clear stream..."

I guess that doesn't include the Yellowstone River.