06/24/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The "Living Lohan" Pizzeria

Against my better judgment, I have been watching E's utterly execrable Living Lohan, a genuinely tedious and self-aggrandizing reality show that makes The Hills seem like gritty cinema verite by comparison. Living Lohan is well and truly about nothing, and the only Lohan we really want to see -- Lindsay -- is never seen but almost relentlessly spoken about, sort of like the Wizard of Oz, or maybe just the Great Pumpkin. Dina and co. are well aware of this, and talk about Lindsay in breathless, worshipful tones, almost as if to remind us why they have a show in the first place. Still, I keep watching, sort of hoping that Lindsay will make an appearance, knowing in my heart that she never will. Mostly because Dina is pretty much the hilariously hypocritical nightmare you expect her to be. Clearly Dina sees herself as a tough "Mama Bear" who's just defending her cubs from the mean, nasty paparazzi outside her driveway, but this is a woman who allows her 14 year old to go to Vegas to "lay down tracks" with a music producer who blatantly lies to the press about his relationship with Lindsay, and who thinks that somehow her children have a God-given right to be famous. But really, it's not so much the antics of the Lohan family that are keeping me glued to the television-or at least in its general vicinity. It's their confounding decorating choices, about which I have a few questions. If anyone can shed some light, please share.

1. Is that a huge picture of a pizza pie hanging in the Lohan's kitchen? It's exactly like the generic stock photo of a pizza that you find in 90% of all pizzerias in North America. What is up with that?
2. Aren't the Lohans Irish?
3. Seriously, why a pizza? Was Frameworks all sold out of "The Best of French Cheese" and "The World of Pasta" posters?
4. At the very least, I was expecting an Andy Warhol-esque portrait of Lindsay's face in hot pink, blue and yellow. Maybe Lindsay wouldn't sign a release and they had to get a replacement last minute?
5. Or maybe a local pizzeria was just having a stoop sale?
6. Why not a calzone? Or plate of spaghetti?
7. Shouldn't Dina be buying some real art at this point? How much do mom-agers make these days? Is it just product placement from Papa John's?
8. Maybe it's to remind Ali -- excuse me -- Aliana and her little brother what to order when they get hungry while Mom is partying at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone, and the kitchen is bare except for a half empty jar of green olives and a bottle of Kahlua.
9. Is this even their house? Sure it's a cheesy Long Island McMansion and kind of exactly what you'd expect the Lohans to live in, but there's something creepily anonymous and haphazard about having a giant stock photo of a pizza hanging in your kitchen. Maybe it's just a decoy house, but I doubt it. As much as Dina pretends to loathe the paparazzi, she clearly wants the cameras there.
10. Do they rotate the picture regularly using restaurant menu stock photos? Last month: Taco Salad. Next month: beef and broccoli.