Hey there. It's so nice to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you from your predecessor, and I'm sorry I was so out of commission yesterday. Today is the first day I can see you clearly without the haze. So I'm sorry to have missed your actual first day in the office. I know you've got some big shoes to fill, but I'm excited to see what you're made of. Sure, many of us have made our resolutions about what your term will look like -- losing 250 pounds, becoming a triathlete, being nicer to our mothers, finding a new hobby, finally getting around to writing that book, stopping continual nose-mining in public spaces. Those will probably be broken within the next 48 hours.
My personal resolution, to stop eating so much chocolate, was broken within fifteen minutes. We're human. But I do have a few things to ask of you this term (and I know some of it might be asking a lot, because you're only 48 hours old.)
Let's maybe deal with this whole gun issue we've got going on. If there was any recurring theme of 2012, sadly, it was people shooting people. Not sure what that's about, maybe people are angry or we need to pay closer attention to mental health or everyone needs hugs and care and understanding. This is really asking a lot of you, but I think you can handle it, but in that vein, let's make mental health more of a discussion. Do you know how many depressed and anxious people there are? And how many of them need the same help and care and treatment as cancer or Parkinson's or Alzheimers? It's a real thing, and its implications and effects are just as serious on the body as they are on the mind.
But back to weapons -- maybe the number of insane people wielding guns, because they're so easy to access, was so 2012. I really hope so. So if you could talk to your cabinet about that, it'd be great. The last thing we need is another Aurora, or the Sikh temple shooting, to Sandy Hook Elementary. That shit is really messed up, and pretty soon, if you don't keep an eye on it, there aren't going to be any of us left on the planet and America will literally be a Terminator movie.
Speaking of Sandy, I think that hurricane was an indicator of our continual and gradual demolition of the planet. Maybe you could also take a look at the ice caps melting and world bursting into flames. I think we might be onto something here with stuff getting warmer. Maybe talk to your constituents about the impacts of our driving and cow farting and not recycling. I think you should make sure we're all nicer to the planet during your term. I know we don't tend to have a lot of foresight, but I'm worried about all those sad animals clinging to ice and also it's very hot out. Abnormally so. It's suspect. Call Al Gore. I have his number.
I'd really appreciate it if you oversaw the continual kick-assery of women into 2013. So far we've got record numbers of women in leadership positions, writing beautiful and hilarious things, running companies, and if you're Hillary Clinton, running the planet in a motherfucking scrunchie. Please see to it that ladies continue to take over the world. I'd like to see all that talk of vaginas continue. But maybe not in biological terms, unless men will adhere to the same labels. How about a few more women in lists of accomplished people? Maybe in some tech lists? That'd be great. If it's not asking too much.
Dear God, don't let anyone name their child Hashtag in your year. I know we like tweeting and pinging and gchatting and Facebook messaging, but maybe we could all talk to each other a bit more? It's a stretch, I know, because 140 characters is the new sonnet, but maybe teach a few kids to write some hand-written letters. Just for giggles. Also, I sort of forget what it's like talking to people in person. I'm thinking we need a bit more of that. I'd also love to go back to the days when hand-writing was an indicator of character.
A few smaller/less crucial action items, as long as I've got the opportunity (and if you're not too busy with the above):
Please make Jennifer Lawrence my best friend, and Ryan Gosling my boyfriend. Emma Stone can also be a good friend, but I'd like for Jennifer to be the one I have a necklace with. Lena Dunham and Mindy Kaling can join at the lunch table too.
Please take care of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes. They need hugs.
Help me stop picking my nails and get up earlier.
Please remove Chris Brown and Todd Akin, handcuff them to each other, and let them figure it out.
Whatever you do, don't let anyone play Call Me Maybe again. Ever.
This was originally published on http://www.MeredithFineman.com/blog.