09/29/2010 01:26 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Fifty First (J)Dates: 24 - Golden Showers

I'm so sorry to the friend that sent in this piece. It's too bad this happened, but at least there can be some schadenfreude gleamed from seeing it on the interwebs. To this boy, well, this story speaks for itself.

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So after many first dates, I went on a second, third and fourth with a guy. He was a year younger, fresh off the boat from college and slightly less mature than the others I had met. (1) I gave him points for looking for a relationship, and he was funny and cute so I decided to invite him over.

The date had started out pretty late after a series of back and forth (you should not be bbm friends with people you are just starting to date) and unfortunate delays. I was exhuasted after a long week, so the outing didnt last long and we went back to my place. We had another glass of wine and was about ready to pass out but he wanted a beer. Then another. (2)

He finally confessed that he too had had a rough week, was exhausted and had dabbled in some stimulating drugs pre-date. Red flag. (3) I was already committed to the situation and am not a quitter. (4)

I woke up in the morning and snuck out of bed to brush my teeth and wash my face. As soon as I came back to the room, I knew that something was wrong. The guy was wide awake but hadnt moved an inch and had a weird look on his face.

"I peed in the bed." (5)

There are so many things terribly wrong with that, but as a very tangible and quantifiable measure, my mattress had cost $1000. I tried with all my might to remain calm. Then he proceeded to tell me that this "happens" to him often when he drinks alcohol. Thankfully, Google saved me from having to call and explain to my mother, who decided to splurge on the soft yet firm pillow-top due to my awful and sleepless ibanking job, the reason I needed to figure out how to clean it. Luckily, I was redirected to some preschool sites about what to do when your toddler pees the bed (huh, I was in the same situation!), as well as books to help my child like "No More Bedwetting: How to Help Your Child Stay Dry."

I asked him to please leave.

Boys - in the future, please finish the potty-training process. (6)

(1) He brought an ice-luge to dinner and made you do several soco and lime shots while rythmically chanting "chug chug chug" over and over again. Then he tried to draw on your face with sharpie, to which you protested that your shoes were not on as a result of intoxication, but rather that you were at Cafe Milano and this was a rather inappropriate scene in general. Not to mention that the wait staff was getting fairly peeved that the ice was melting all over the inlaid rug. The Congressmen at the table over, however, thought it was funny.

(2) This behavior, as seen by the Post College Male, is often called Mild to Moderate Alcoholism, or a case of the Betas. Course of treatment: detoxification, getting a full-time job and realizing that late-nights at Theta are no longer a reality.

(3) More like giant red banner, waving above his head screaming 'undateable and has a case of the sniffles.'

(4) Nothing like an intense job in ibanking to make you give 120% in every facet of life.

(5) BAD DOGGIE. BAD BAD BAD BAD PUPPY! :thwaps: nose with rolled up NYT, but not Style Section. I do have to applaud Kevin on his no-nonsense attitude. I'm not sure if I would have just gone out-right and said it. But then again, I guess a yellow puddle is slightly hard to conceal with a ohhh mannn! I didn't even realize my new silk tunic, that is yellow, had no been properly dry-cleaned as to avoid bleeding on the mattress. It smells like pee? Oh, that's strange.

(6) (Or blame it on the melting ice luge.)