10/13/2010 02:24 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Fifty First (J)Dates: Live-Blogging a Date.

It's kewl now to "live-tweet/blog" your entire life. Maybe you've read "live tweets or blogs" from events like the VMAs -- when Lady Gaga decided that it was horribly unsanitary but the height of chic to step on stage in an outfit made of cow, or even the live tweeting of a heart attack, like White House Reporter and Real Idiot of the Century Tommy Christopher did. I think that might be overstepping the boundaries a bit (@911 chest pains! #ithinkimhavingaheartattack.)

I think it is important and apropos to live blog an FFJD. It wasn't my FFJD, it was the people sitting next to me. I'm assuming it was a JDate first date because the awkwardness was palpable, the boy was 5'8, and the girl was wearing a David Yurman necklace.

8:01: Boy arrives, let's call him Dave. He is clearly shorter than girl anticipates, given that she is about two inches taller than he is in her Tory Burch flats. She looks visibly disappointed, is thinking this will never fly with the Louboutins I've been considering buying. Maybe he's nice. She's wearing a leopard print top and jeans. Definitely JBrands.

8:05: He orders a jack and coke (obviously) and she orders a VSC (vodka soda cran, duh.) He makes an awkward joke about Jewish Geography. Meh.

8:11: Girl, let's call her Jaclyn, looks miserable during discussion of undergrad majors. And what she's supposed to do with an English degree. Thanks, she's never heard that one before.

8:22: Girl makes a joke about camp. Now I'm asleep at the table next to these people, playing endless brickbreaker (which I dont even like, I far prefer word mole, GET ME THOSE VEGGIES) but whatever.

8:45 He goes to bathroom. She begins furiously texting. I catch tail end of conversation: "so come and just say that you didn't realize I'd be here and that its soooo funny to see me because we haven't seen each other since our bat-mitzvahs together and we're wearing matching jeggings and that's sooo funny you just have to sit down. He's so boring. But he does have nice teeth. He'd be perfect for Becca. Just not my style."

8:51: Conversation/debate resumes after short bathroom break about Justin Bieber's real age and the fact that he resembles most lesbians. Or that lesbians want to look like him. Transitioning into New Jersey discussion, maybe her grandparents belong to the same tennis club as his Aunt and Uncle. Girl looking toward large windows to see if her friend is going to rescue her.

9:03: Girl arrives. The boy and the new girl recognize each other. If the awkwardness wasn't palpable before, now you could cut it with a chopped liver spreading knife. Which isn't very sharp, but you catch my drift. Original girl asks friend how she and Dave already know each other.

Friend says, "you know, around." Girl isn't buying it. Girl 1 goes to bathroom, in which it is revealed that FRIEND 2 HAS ALREADY GONE ON A JDATE WITH BOY 1.

How could they have been so sloppy in their investigation of past jdaters? Dave and Girl 2 discuss how to tell Jaclyn.

9:15: Girl finally comes back to the table after long hiatus in bathroom, confusion, rapid fire group-bbming, and bashing the Friend 2, unless simultaneously trying to figure out how to avoid Friend 2's wrath for going out with the same guy.

These girls are dumb.

9:22: Ensuing screaming match leaves Dave speechless. Jaclyn and Girl 2 start fighting:

Girl 2: I cannot believe you didn't tell me you were going out with him.

Jaclyn: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? It's not my fault you're a closet jdater. I had no idea.

Girl 2: I lent you my CHANEL BAG for Becca's birthday pregame. You bitch. Going through my dirty laundry, huh? I TOLD YOU that he was a dick to me and that he not only was dating me but he also had cheated on Lauren last year with that stupid girl he knows from home and is family friends with.

Dave: I'm still standing here.

Jaclyn: That doesn't even make sense. I guess he kicked you to the curb, HUH!? Consider this over. Also, that romper makes you look fat.

Girl 2: Can't wait to defriend you. (To JWoww) Hold my earrings please?

Fifty First (J)Dates
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