THE BLOG
10/19/2010 10:28 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Fifty First (J)Dates: LIVE BLOG MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER Episode 1!

ZOMG. This is like is Christmas and Hanukkah had a child and The OC hadn't already created it. That's right, PATTI STANGER is back on BRAVO at 9 pm. And she's on the east coast, wreacking havoc and shooting down girls with unstraightened hair. Oh how I love P. Stang, in the Washington Post article on FFJD I quoted her and she tweeted at me. It was sort of like that time when I made out with Javier Bardem on a boat in the Mediterranean. Only one of these things happened.

So here I am, sitting in an Herve Leger dress and YSL heels (my jammie pants with doughnuts on them) ready to rumble. Stick around, because it's your favorite loudmouth Jewish chick with straight hair. TO WHOM AM I REFERRING!? OH SNAP.

8:55 pm: I think I just peed my pants.

9:01: This definitely isn't staged.

9:02: It is brunette city. And Patti is wearing pink.

9:03: Tobacco, 40, from STAHTEN ISLAAAAND - thats really his name?

9:04: Bryce: 26, she sort of looks like she reads #ffjd, owns a luxury site, Dannon Heiress. "I am celibate."

9:07: Tabacco's van: used to kidnap small children and lure strippers into the pleathahhhh seats?

9:11: "God, you must have been treated like a princess growing up." JEWZ alert. I think that the Luxury Spot and FFJD should get together and write about eyebrow waxing. She haz nice eyebrowz.

9:16: I grew up in the "new jersey/new york" area. OH PATTI DO YOU HAZ SOME NJ SHAME? I didn't know South Orange was in Manhattan.

9:21: It's true. I'm not sure I've ever met a Jewish boy with a six-pack. How about we have some Haftorah Situations?

9:27: Tabacco, you have enough money to pay $20,000 for Dustin's hair.

9:31: Bryce confirming the "frosty Jewish woman" stereotype, Tabbaco PICKS GIRLS BASED ON CHEESE PREFERENCES.

9:37: Poor Keith. He's going to get hit by a bus, again. OH COLBS. Can't wait to see what you have to talk to Tabacco about. The clurb?

9:44: OMG THE MARRIAGE OF RHONJ AND P STANG.

9:45: Omg, the Tabacco-mobile. He picked her up in it. Wait, are you drinking in the car? OH LORD THERE IS CHEESE INVOLVED.

9:47: I LOVE ALCOHOL AND CHEESE.

9:49: Colby sees a lot of booze and cheese in her future.

9:50: Dinner in the library? This is AMAZING. Too bad Bryce sucks at life and is a frigid biYATCH. How romantic and wonderful. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for him. HEY KEITH ILL GO OUT WITH YOU TO THE LIBRARY. WE CAN FROLIC IN THE STACKS AND YOU CAN FEEL OVER MY SHIRT MAYBE.

9:52: Colby might be an alcoholic. Oh no. He's realizing the error of his ways.

9:57: Patti is always right. That's what we've learned.

"Admitting you have a problem is the first step in Bimbo Recovery."

Keith - call me.

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