Well, it's the season finale of Millionaire Matchmaker, folks. How did we end up here? I think the way all good things start and end, in a sea of Sensa-endorsed products, short Patti Stanger cotton dresses, and with week after week of rich train-wrecks. Thank you for letting me, Fifty First (J)Dates, be your Stanger Ambassador.
Anyway, I am here, loud and clear and in my best camouflage Snuggie (not a joke) to give you your dose of cray cray, your Millionaire Matchmaker live-blog. So gather round, ye FFJD-ers, for tales of woe, screaming, Botox, and general mental imbalance. Stay tuned this week for more interviews as well.
9:00: We're here. Snow falling, Patti Stanger is in SHORT HILLS. They're going to a Jooish Deli. I'm glad she finally admitted she's from New Jersey. Is she going to eat that sandwich or just sprinkle Sensa on it while onlookers gawk?
9:03: Millionaire: Freddie Mitchell. Wide receiver for The Eagles. Burned because he's famous, or because he's a famous athlete and can't keep it in his pantalones.
UM HELLO DOES PATTI'S NECKLACE SAY "HAHAHHAAHHA"? If so, why not LOL?
Crazy bia Stacy Kessler is baaack (for ratings. Not actually "changing her tune.") HOSTY MCHOSTERSON!
Hey Rach: I'm into your fedora. love, mer
9:05: DESHAWNE. Is back. They're incorporating him more and he's getting accessorized with a cool driver's hat. I'm into it.
9:07: Patti talks about moving in (Freddie) with his ex-fiancee. She says its bad. What do you think?
Jewelry = yes = BJ. Cash = bad = NO.
9:10: Stacy is back. For....love....(or botox, or a COHOST.) They're screaming at each other. Brown hair. Screaming. Yelling. Cursing. Bleh.
9:15: They just all of a sudden in the past two minutes found a polygraph?
Okay. I hear in New York, land of brunettes, Bagatelle, and models, they also dole out polygraph machines. (You can get knock-off versions on Canal Street.) What were they going to do if Stacy failed? Send her on her way? Spend the entire episode back in Short Hills, pretending to eat pastrami?
9:20: For Freddie: no gold-diggers. Isn't that sort of the NFL packaged deal? Adrianne is a gemologist. Patti wants free rocks. We're testing the Today Show warm-up guy. Isn't he under contract?
AD FOR PATTIS DVD: Will you be buying it? I want to see the extra features with the Destin hair tutorial.
9:26: Final mixer. Stacy's boobs are...ready to party. I forgot that Stacy is a life coach. Important detail. Listening to Stacy talk about knowing that guy has good measurements for acting...you kill me Stace!
9:30: Um, one guy is badmouthing Stacy at the mixer. That's never happened before. First time for everything. Hand him a complimentary polygraph and get him to leave. Aw yay Freddie likes the stuntwoman. They're both going to sacking people left and right in their house. Or sacking each other. ZING.
9:33: Stacy can't remember her date's name. Eben - I like him. Is he a Heeb?
9:35: We got the Southern Diamond chick and Eben for ADD Stacy (although can we stop with the ADD-bashing? It's a legitimate disease. Thank you.)
9:40: This girl: JUST IN TIME FOR COUNTRY STRONG! ZOMG HELICOPTER! I'm enjoying her genuine joy.
9:42: AAAAAAAAUGH THEYRE WATCHING STACYS OWN REEL. OMG I WANT TO DIE. OMG. CRAWLING UNDER TABLE. OMG I WANT TO CRY. CRY. CRY. CRY. WHAT IS GOING ON. WHAT IS GOING ON. Eben - props on keeping it together. Wow is right, Eben.
9:44: Um, did she seriously bring up CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS!? AFTER GOOGLING!? Whoah. Whoah. I know Stacy is like all ridiculous and crap, but this is heinously inappropriate.
9:46: Props to Eben for being honest. Stacy is icy and strange. So, no, we are not into you. Sexually. PAYCE.
9:48: Freddie calls out Adrianme. I'm surprised he is still at dinner. We should have been 2/2 with the millionaires leaving.
But, he did get to put his hand up her dress. On a first date. On camera. For America. So, there's that.
9:52: Patti doesn't give a shit about New York, Destin is meh, and she would give up money for love. Does she get a free polygraph with that?
9:57: Picker picked the wrong piper. Okay so, does anyone ever date or get married on this show anymore?
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