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Meredith Fineman

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Spanx You Very Much

Posted: 02/25/2011 10:21 am

Lots of things get in the way of love -- literally and figuratively. Maybe you couldn't date him because you were going through a rough time in your life, or because Karen had already dated him and he pulled that crap at the AEPi date party and nobody will ever forget it because it was an utter purloining of a banana.

But sometimes, there are physical road-blocks. Spanx, the girl-world Under Armor, well, is a problem. It's hard to get on, it's hard to get off, and it's really hard for boys to understand.

For the three males reading FFJD, let me explain Spanx. Spanx are extra taut spandex that suck the life and some of the fat out of you. Or rather, smooths it over. It basically makes anyone and everyone look better. I'd say 75% of girls own Spanx.

Although this god-given ass-tucker that has been effectively marketed to females (and males, although I'd pay to see a guy buy a pair/wear it) it can be extremely problematic in the romance territory.

First, we will examine past trauma, and then we will explain prevention methods.

My own traumas with Spanx are a wide range: from the famous stylist at an event in DC who kindly pushed the back of my slip down that was peaking out of my dress (extreme mortification), to the sophomore ZBT boy who couldn't figure out what I had on, I've had my fare share of Spanxcidents. (Spread that word like fetch.)

Although my own troubles with the brand of shapewear are far less bad than some FFJD readers and fans -- I'd say the girl who told a guy she was going to get jiggy with to turn around so she could remove her nude body armour and whose sounds of frustration were mistaken for sounds of self-pleasure (this really really takes the Spanx Award 2011), Spanx have permeated our culture and adhered themselves to the national consciousness (see Tiny Furniture).

In case of a Spanxcident -- you forgot to remove them, you are wearing them because it's the only way you fit into the last size 6 of that Stella McCartney dress you were dying over, or you just can't fucking get them off, here are some tips:

1. Be prepared to excuse yourself pre-romantical encounter. Bring a larger purse so that you can remove your spanx ahead of time.

2. If said boy discovers Spanx, play it off like it's no big deal. Just explain it's part of the garment. Boys are too stupid usually to understand what's going on, other than the fact they can't undress you.

3. Butter.

Because sometimes the only way to remove a full-body Spanx slip is elbow grease.

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