It seems that there are superheroes everywhere you turn. New summer movies will be gracing the big screens any day now, and comic book television dramas are sure to be on the fall primetime lineup. I have sat through hours of Batman, Ironman, the Flash, Superman, Spiderman, and most recently Daredevil. I am at a loss to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I like a good action flick as much as the next guy, but I just don't get superheroes.
What is it about superheroes that make our husbands, or significant others want to secretly be these characters? Why do they dream about a meteor falling from the sky, causing intergalactic gel to ooze into the water system, thus giving them secret powers that they can use to fight crime? I guess I am no fun. I don't see the point in watching a movie or television series where people have magical powers. If you want me to watch a show with you, create a character that was hit by a bolt of lightning and woke up without her saggy tits, cellulite on her ass, and the absence of cross-continental baggage under her eyes. That show I will watch!
So men, let me tell you what will make you a superhero to your significant other:
1. Scrub the toilet. The entire toilet, including the shit stains.
2. Wash the dishes... with soap.
3. Give the kids a bath... with soap.
4. Cook dinner, or get take-out. Either way she didn't have to cook, so you win.
5. Take us shopping and smile the entire time. Don't ask if the item is on sale.
6. Wake up at night with the kids... especially if someone pissed the bed. Don't pretend you can't hear them. The dead can hear them.
7. Hold your farts. If it is a dire emergency, pass gas next to the children, not your wife.
8. Don't fart while in bed, and don't even think about pulling the covers up over her head.
9. When we agree that a holiday or special occasion does not require gifts, get her one anyway. She wants a gift. She always wants a gift.
10. Snuggle up next to your spouse while in bed and cuddle with no expectation of sex. Like legitimately no expectation of sex.
11. Don't' push your junk on her back and tell her you have a gift for her. It's not really a gift. She has seen it before.
12. Vacuum, mop, wash the windows, repeat.
13. Ask her if she wants a mustache ride without expecting anything in return.
14. Get a babysitter without telling her and take her to dinner.
15. Wash the laundry, and put it away. Let me clarify, put it in the correct drawer. Don't put your son's underwear in your wife's drawer.
16. Load the dishwasher, and then empty the dishwasher without being asked. I bet she drops to her knees later that evening.
17. Text her a sweet message during the day. Something like, "Babe, I can't wait to get home and do a load of whites."
18. Take the kids... ANYWHERE. For an extended period of time.
19. Bring her chocolate... ANYTHING.
20. Bring her wine... ANY KIND.
So as you can see, it is pretty simple to become a superhero. Your spouse will most definitely think that you can leap tall buildings in a single bound if you follow these 20 tips. They will call you the man of steel, or whatever ridiculous name you want them to scream while in the bedroom. These 20 tips are proven panty dropper's, so get started today.
*This message is endorsed and sponsored by every woman on the planet.
Meredith is a work from home mother of three who writes about the inappropriate side of marriage and motherhood on her blog at thatsinappropriate.net.
She is also a contributor on the parenting team at today.com, and The Huffington Post.