I know that this is a mild diversion from the billion and one tumultuous events and issues of the moment (see rest of Huffpo), but after reading the article on the front page of the NYT business section Thursday morning entitled "A Makeover of a Romance" I felt bad for the confused old men at Mattel. Apparently the Barbie franchise has been overtaken by the trendier and more stylish, poutier, more overtly sexy doll franchise called 'Bratz.' So, in yet one more desperate attempt to revitalize their beloved Barbie, they are once again issuing a newly re-designed Ken. Their idea, according to a Mr. Scothon, is to "give the legions of girls who play with Barbie the kind of new plotline they crave." I imagine someone at a creative meeting presenting a flow chart to show how a change in male companions did wonders for the revitalized image of the all new Angelina Jolie.
As a long time student of Barbie, I examined with interest the photo and resume of the newest Ken. He is wearing cargo pants, a short leather jacket and carrying a purse. The last time I can recall seeing the hairstyle they have given him on someone other than a gay woman was on the head of the rocking young Roger Clinton.
In addition, the new Ken has been studying cooking and Buddhism. But even if he didn't still look so gay, I submit that this is a Ken who does not best serve the plotlines the Barbie lovers of the moment are actually craving. For proof of this, let's examine the lives of the current crop of real life Barbies, the muses who appear to have inspired the version of the doll standing beside Ken in today's paper; Britney Spears, Kate Moss, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, Pam Anderson etcetcetc.
What they all have in common (besides the slatternly glamour, and the endless disposable cash) are the substance abusing, tattooed and/or pierced, and if not musical, then musically-adjacent, verbally limited troublemaker boyfriends. In the case of Kate Moss, it seems like going to court and rehab is what Pete Doherty does for a living.
I humbly suggest that herein lie the details for the more profitable redesign of Ken. He needs to be the sad eyed wasted almost talented guy a modern Barbie apparently craves. He should come with a growth of beard, matted unkempt hair and an outfit that looks like he may have slept in it after he passed out and threw up on himself. All of which can be changed as Barbie ministers to him, and attempts to nurse him back to health. There should be an attachable set of muscles, a different haircut and a clean set of clothes for after rehab, a nice dress suit for court that he can also wear when he promises to marry her and go to AA, as well as cups of coffee and simple nutritious foods that Barbie will prepare for him as she helps to sober him up. All of which can be changed back when he falls off the wagon once more, in too much pain to fight his demons. Which is where, in the plotline, Barbie steps in to save him again. (Unless it's her turn to go to rehab. Outfit included.)
Please remember to thank me somewhere on the box.