We've all heard the term "helicopter mom" to describe moms that are over-protective and overly involved in their children's daily activities. For those of you who have encountered a hovering mother, it is probably apparent that she is the last to realize that her need to stay informed, be involved, or to move things along is a tad over-board. These moms frequently over-stay their welcome and hyper-manage everything.
I've witnessed this behavior in friends, clients and parents at school. Most of the time, I've said very little so as to respect the parent's perspective and to avoid passing judgment -- although secretly, I was thinking something quite different. Personally, I have been called over-protective because, for example, I haven't wanted the children to see R-rated movies or because I feel that Facebook isn't a birthright just because you are a pre-teen.
I was recently at one of my children's extra-curricular activities and I witnessed a mom completing her child's homework. I could see that this mom's motivation was rooted in love and wanting her child to do well, but it crosses the line when mommy decides to submit her academic ability instead of the child's. What is behind this behavior?
In the book The Go-To Mom's Parents' Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children, Kimberly Blaine says: "Parents who have a strong need to hyper-parent, to hover, or to control their child's environment, usually have some un-met need that makes them feel helpless and out of control. A parent's tendency to over-protect and shield a child from the world may be a way of regaining control that one lost in his past."
Or, as many of us have speculated, these parents are filling some inner need by living vicariously through their children and want everything to go well because it didn't go well for them as a child.
What I find equally as interesting is that while it is often thought that hovering only happens with mothers of young children (or at least children still in the home), many mothers continue to want the same access and influence over their adult children's lives -- a particularly disturbing phenomenon.
If you are wondering if you're a "helicopter mom," here are some warning signs:
This is indeed a touchy subject but we all know that when you have experienced a parent, relative or mother in-law that hovers, you wish that they would just realize how distrustful and overbearing it makes them seem. If you see yourself in some of these areas, I would encourage you to ask yourself: How can I experience another perspective? Also, please consider the long-term affects of hovering.
Blaine says: "Hyper-parenting can have some pretty serious repercussions. When children are shielded from every benign aspect of life they never learn to be responsible for themselves - they become overly reliant on others and have a hard time trusting their own instincts. They may see the world as an unsafe place to live. When we hover, the message our children receive is, "You're not capable." Children are very capable and deserve the right to live securely in this world."
To learn more about Kimberly Blaine, go to:
www.TheGoToMom.com
or
www.EmotionCoachingYoungChildren.com
Follow Mia Redrick on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Mia_Redrick
is also hovering around. Passengers are welcomed aboard for a nice pleasant trip.
Hey Buddy, it seemed you've written your own flight manual.
couldnt that be a side effect of Hovering Parent's, i've seen it in both parents not just mom. that your kid has been so micro managed that they dont even know to call the cops/fire department if they smell smoke or think something bad is gonna happen?
just my thoughts.
Because as a parent, esp a mother, no one can!
While I agree the others can harm a child's development I must not understand what she means by this? Maybe it's the word "impose". It's called raising a kid to TEACH them your ideas and how you concluded them. Ex. how did you decide eating your veggies are a good idea? But if the author means "always telling them what they SHOULD BE DOING then I understand why it's included. It's one thing to take a kid who isn't eating and say "you should eat something" it's another to be saying "you should be taking piano lessons as well as art classes and playing basketball".
It's important to let them explore the world and form their own ideas of it but, especially when they are little, they need guidance. Playing in your toy box, good playing in the garbage, bad. A kid won't know not to play in garbage unless you tell them not to and why not to. This bullet has a gray area and needs to either be reworded, or better explained.
We have? I haven't!, although I have often heard of the term "Helicopter Mechanic" that would be "Me!" fixed them up in VietNam so as our wounded & dead soliders could be quickly airlifted to med hospitals in the field/base camps.
Thus, I ask: Why would any image of Jolie's right leg (or anyone's right leg) affect your tween daughter? My question is meant to be constructive by being thought-provoking.
Are these questions helpful?
-- Why are you blogging about Jolie's leg?
-- Why should your daughter be affected?
-- Why are you concerned about how your daughter might react to an image of stranger's leg?
-- What might this be about besides your daughter?
Think about the effort, concern, and time you have invested in this non-important topic about someone you don't know and somehow linking it to your child.
Best of luck. Parenting is the most important thing any of us do. And none of us is perfect. Bit by bit. Day by day. Task by task. Hug by hug.
(I do hope we all try to be open-hearted (?) persons -- and not just on our best days.)
Also, on a related note, another mom blogger (one of my favorites, Liz Gumbinner) http://www.mom-101.com/ had her daughters serve as guest bloggers for an altogether different kind of piece from mine. However the young girls most definitely shared THEIR take on the Oscar fashions so I dare say it is more than expected that our daughters are exposed, and have visceral responses to the body images as portrayed in all forms of media and entertainment.
Wishing you a wonderful day.
Are we simply bring to be better parents than we had?
Does the modern and near-future world require us to do more and better parenting?
Are we simply more aware of or smarter about the dangers that have always been present?
Have we covertly manipulated by some forces (media, peer group, religion, politicians)?
Are we compensating for our fears of inadequacy as a parent--our potential failure to all that we can?
Has the role of parent changed from a rather passive and benevolent model to a more aggressive and demanding model? Parent as coach or boss? Parent as a "tiger?"
Or is this just a problem for some parents, of some children, some of the time?
Also, I noticed that cultural differences come into play with parenting style. I am Italian-American and we Italian-Americans are much more directly involved. Many of the kids my son attends school with are Irish-American. I notice many of these parents pretty much cut their kids loose as soon as they are in pre-school. I am not judgeing mind you, I am just making an observation. So, what in one culture seems normal and nurturing may seem hovery to another culture. I must say though, completing a child's homework is over the top for anyone. In fact, I would call it heat seeking missile parenting instead of helicopter parenting. LOL