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Ask Michael Cohen: Carrie-ng on

Posted: 06/10/2010 11:08 am

The last few weeks have been a nightmare with my wife thanks to Sex And The City 2. When I first met 'Ali' I thought her obsession with celebrity magazines was just a girl thing. But then I realized it's a lifestyle. We started eating at restaurants in New York City where Jennifer Lopez dines and vacationing where Beyonce visits. Our wedding was basically a copy of one of The Bachelor weddings. At first it was endearing and rather expensive, but hey, my guilty pleasure is porn and this was her thing. 
 
Now, it's all about Sarah Jessica Parker. But not SJP, rather Carrie, that fictional character she plays in the movie! It's nuts. When she gets really creative with an outfit, she says "OMG, this is so Carrie" and now she and her friends all fancy themselves like the different characters from movie and they have parties at the apartment that are borderline pathetic. Now, she is writing an advice column for the Jewish newspaper for free and fancies herself a relationship columnist. Yesterday, she ordered every season of Sex And The City that she and her friends are going to hole up for the weekend and have a marathon. I'm not sure what to do. I am getting to be beside myself. - Robert P, New York City

 
Oh my. Someone didn't have a dollhouse when they were a little girl. Wow, there are some issues going on here. Since I am an advice writer I've had many people ask me, "Oh so you're like that girl, what's her name, Carrie?"  I chuckle and answer with a nod because if I were to answer them with any sense of seriousness I might just loose it. But you don't do the same. Here are some steps that may eradicate this rather childish behavior and stop any inadvertent enabling. 
 
Seal the Manolos away and start wearing the pants again.  This is your house too and when you are married and living with someone there is a rule that you can't just go around making your own plans. I would ask your wife to cancel the SATC marathon, and instead spend some time with you. Make plans to do something far away from anything Carrie would do,   such as a hike. It is summer. That should deplete some of the fuel that fires up her imaginary side. 

 When it comes up, direct the conversation away from celebrities and SATC; and start taking the initiative to decide where to eat and where to travel. It will make a huge difference. Otherwise she's going to run rampant with living the Hollywood lifestyle. Again, I can't reiterate how important it is for you to be active in correcting this situation.
 
As for the free job, well, it doesn't exactly sound like she had to work anyway, so I'd be rather happy that she is doing something with her time. What she writes about at work is work, just make sure she doesn't (pardon the pun) carry it home. 

I have gotten advice from my other friends but I thought I would ask a total stranger about my dilemma. One of my close friends is turning 31 next month and after seeing Sex And The City 2 she has decided to have an Arabian Nights themed birthday party. When I got the invitation (mind you it was an e-vite) it asked everyone to come in costume. The last time I put a costume on I was ten-years-old and it was for Halloween and i swore off ever feeling so awkward and silly.  How do I avoid insulting my friend but bow out gracefully?  - Vanessa R. Chicago

I feel you on this one. I absolutely don't do the costume thing unless, of course, I'm drunk and it's a 3am dance off party at my place. In your case, I'm not sure what part of the invitation is worse. Having a costume party at 31 or being inspired by Sex And The City 2.  Here is what I do know. You need to tone down that snarky Amy Sedaris tone before you get on the phone (yes, the phone not text message!) to tell the host a white lie.

Don't discuss how much you hate costumes and her idea of the party. It's unnecessary and hurtful, and although you actually didn't have anything special planned, come up with something, but make it really cool such as a wine tasting or Cubs game.

If you decide that there is no way out of this invitation, remember that putting on a pair of harem pants for an hour may not be the worst thing to have to happen that day. 

My childhood friend over the past few years has developed chronic slut-itious. At first I thought she was just trying to get over a bad break up and brushed it off, but then the trend became a life style. I can't remember the last time she was with someone over six months or went a week without meeting a new guy and started 'hanging out' with him. Every time we talk or hang out she involves me with this new guy (talking about him, meeting him, judging him, etc.) then a few weeks later it's old news and she is on the next one. I am sick her love affairs running her life and our friendship. Help. - Lily B. Boston

Wow, good thing Samantha Jones didn't have friends like you. At first glance, you sound like a jealous bitch upset that your friend is getting laid and disposing of the male spices so callously. But I will go on the premise that you aren't and you are truly concerned that some of the issues your friend has will solidify the bane of her existence and this now sordid relationship you share with her. 

First, I recommend you step back and allow her to behave as she is doing on her own time. If she wants to date, hang out and screw whoever that's her prerogative. Allow her to discuss , what you call 'slut-itious,' to a point. Start to inject your own dialog with your current happenings. 

What you can stop is having her new tricks hang out with you. This process is rather simple. Tell her that you would love getting together but that you want girl time. After three months has passed with a guy (which is an amount of time that there is something perhaps more than sex happening between the two) then extend the invitation of wanting to meet him. She may not get the hint or see the pattern, but at least you'll both be getting you what you want.

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