THE BLOG
06/13/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Ask Michael Cohen: Handle With Grace

I'm a religious hipster and I need your advice. Just like my girlfriends I wear Gucci, Prada and I'm up on the latest trends. I travel to places like St. Barts. I am not a square, but I am a Catholic and I do not use the lord's name in vein. All my girlfriends constantly use the expression "Oh My God" about everything and I feel like I may explode. What should I do? Kristy W, San Diego

I do have a few thoughts on this topic because I've had a similar experience. One of my dear friends asked me to stop referring to other gay people as 'queens,' even though deep in my heart I felt he himself was being a big old drama queen. But here is the point, had he not spoken up about my unknowing offense, I would not have been able to remedy the situation. You must tell your friends that saying "oh my god" to preface how much they love your Prada shoes or the sand in St. Barts is unacceptable.

This may take some training similar to Pavlov's dog experiments. Now, I have a sneaky suspicion you may wear an understated simple gold cross. Like Pavlov's dogs associated a lab coat with meal time, flash the cross every time they say that phrase that irks you so much while simultaneously rolling your eyes. It may just stop them in their tracks.

If all else fails run to the nearest church and pray that your friends burn in hell. No seriously, Kristy, don't do that. But if they can't respect your love of God then those bitches are not your friends.

I recently married a wonderful Jewish guy (I'm not, in fact I'm an African-American Baptist with KILLER legs) and he would like us to attend Friday night synagogue services. I've never been conservative in church. Need I be in temple and what should I wear? Briona R, New York City

What exactly have you been wearing to Church? Please next time include a picture. Well, you have me really worried here, but we are going to work it out.

First, I applaud your self-love, but dressing like a rock star at church is totally inappropriate. Tone it down girl. Show off your legs at one of those swank New York City restaurants, where I have a feeling you may haunt.

When it comes to any place of worship, it's about respect and modesty. For Temple -- I don't want you to be Mrs. Dowdy -- I suggest you find the perfect Donna Karan pencil skirt, which should resolve any concern you have that you're losing sex appeal. Pair that with a hip and stylish silk blouse that has a pattern (think Pucci) or a crisp white Ralph Lauren top. Just make sure that you cover your arms at least past your elbow, and don't have your tits hanging out. Finish off the look with a killer pair of Christian Louboutin heels and honey you'll be the talk of the yentas -- just about how good you look, not about how there's a new slut in town.

I have been dating this guy for three years now. I'm 44, he's 28, and we are in love. He's proposed and I've said yes. Here is where it gets messy. I was raised an orthodox Jew (albeit I don't practice) and basically he has no religion nor does he feel the need to convert because as he says, "our love is stronger than religion." No one in my family approves. What to do? Essie B, New York

Ahh, a Jewgar, heh?

I think you need to do a "Pappa Don't Preach" with your parents -- one last time. Explain to them that you are all grown up now, in love, and capable of making your own decisions.

I don't foresee a fairy tale wedding nor do I imagine you and your family on TLC's "Say Yes To The Dress" (oh, I just love that show). What I do see is a beautiful civil ceremony and that everyone can share. Continue to be a loving daughter but don't force your new relationship down the throats of your family. Enjoy your parents for who they are and let time take its course. After all, I don't know many Jewish moms who won't quickly realize they should be thanking the guy who saved their daughter from being a spinster (people were starting to talk...).

The bottom line all in love isn't fair, but honey, having a 28-year-old around probably isn't too bad.

You can submit your questions on my website www.askmichaelcohen.com or in the comments section here.