I'm not okay with Valentine's Day. I'm not going to pretend I am. It's not because I'm single. I didn't even like it when I was in a relationship with a guy that sent me not one, but two-dozen malnourished red roses from 1-800-Flowers. Thanks for nothing, Groupon.
However, I can admit, a majority of us don't share my sentiment. According to the dating site Are You Interested (ayi), 68% of women and 60% of men agree that Valentine's Day is all about love--opposed to it being a superficial holiday. So, for all you lovers out there, here are my V-day hells- to- the- no's and some honey-do's.
Pet Names.
There are some really bad one's out there -- pumpkin, muffin, honey, cookie. Guys, here is the memo: Girls don't like pet names that can be found in grocery stores. And really, how many times in one day can you use the term 'baby' or 'sweetie?' Don't feel you need to over use these pet names, instead, try calling her by the name on her driver's license.
Diamond Doesn't Begin with KAY.
Because Jane Seymour is such a prolific jewelry designer... that 'Open Hearts' commercial makes me crazy, especially when she says, "Behind every open heart is a story." Commercial jewelry is literally too commercial. Get her one of these and she may need open heart surgery, but hey, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman can fix that right? Wrong. Remember, diamonds are a girl's best friend, just make sure her best friend isn't wearing the same diamond.
Excessive Texting.
This usually happens on Valentine's Day or when someone has been acting douchey, so by doing so you inadvertently could be opening Pandora's box. Too many texts are unnecessary and when abused loses it poignancy. Instead, be adventurous and actually make two phone calls. One that says good morning and another one before you're about to meet up.
Russell Stover Chocolate? Um, No. Artisanal Chocolates, Please.
OMG. Using that absurd guide to distinguish if it's a truffle or a caramel makes everyone insane. Besides, anything you can find in a Duane Reade is not great chocolate. Godiva is still an upgrade, but finding that new little chocolate factory around the corner is like finding a real golden ticket.
P.S. Never ever, ever give chocolates that are fat free -- if you are even thinking fat free you shouldn't be giving chocolates.
Enough with the 50 Shades of Grey Nonsense.
Why are you using Valentine's Day as an excuse to tie each other up? If you really can't pull it off and it's not authentic, it's just plain old silly. As for lingerie -- skip Victoria's Secret, she wears that everyday. Head over to Agent Provocateur. Then again, skip all of this and proceed to getting naked.
Bringing Home Baby.
This is not the time to play Mother Teresa and save a dog from the shelter. A dog as a gift is a very, very bad idea. Come Monday, when your shoes become a chew toy, the novelty will wear off quickly.
No. More. Red. Roses.
Really? You couldn't think of anything other than sending or arriving with roses? Just in case I didn't stress the point, red roses are actually totally thoughtless but most notably, always die.
Don't Think Like a Man.
I know. It's confusing. Thank you Steve Harvey. A woman should act like a lady and never think like a man or knock her man. She should be treated like a lady, especially on this day. If he wants to order a bottle of wine for the both of you, he isn't trying to disrespect your opinion. He's just trying to do what men are supposed to do -- take care of their woman, or, believe it or not, act like a gentleman. Chivalry is only dead if you slay it.
No Throwback Anything
Candy underwear. 90's Spotify playlist. Hallmark Cards with glitter hearts. Anything that reads, "To My Valentine." Gummy Worms. Teddy bears of any kind. Those chalky Candy Hearts that say, "Be Mine." Red satin boxer shorts with white hearts. Heart shaped boxes of chocolate. Heart shaped anything. Perfume. Champagne. Bath Products. Kama Sutra dust. Massage oils. One chocolate rose in red foil.
Hola Mi Nombre Es Michael
This one is simply a honey-do and applies for most of us making our way through this winter that never stops. Head to Miami. Luckily for those who like this idea, Valentine's Day falls on a Friday, making it the perfect weekend getaway. Just get on the plane as crazy as that may sound. Buy bathing suits and some random clothes upon arrival. Don't worry about the fashion part -- people in Miami barely dress.
Any other ideas? If so, leave a comment below and feel free to keep sending your questions to mcnewyorkcity@gmail.com