Watching MTV's Jersey Shore I kept questioning my television prowess. Hadn't I already heard this strange dialect from other people whose lives revolve around egomania and trichotillomania? Had I caved into Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino's description of what lay ahead when he said, "I mean this situation is gonna be indescribable, you can't even describe the situation that you're about to get into the situation"?
Indeed I had. After a six-episode marathon the answer hit me like the now-famous punch Nicole "Snooki" took to the side of her face - I've seen these types before - they are just richer and older.
One glance at "Snooki," the pint-sized loudmouth who says, "I am a princess at home, like, I am the f*cking princess of f*cking Poughkeepsie" (then please honey - go back there - they miss you) and you'll swear it could be a younger Danielle Staub from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Insecure, yet tenacious for acceptance by her peers, interesting, but not at all pretty, at least not in a conventional way.
Just half way into this Jersey Shore epiphany, surprise, there is a sex tape of 'Snookers' (yet another one of Nicole's monikers) somewhere on some Guido's camera in Poughkeepsie, including her pickle-sucking for practice.
That, I feel, is probably the least of it. And just like the surprise little book Cop Without A Badge that chronicles Staub's sordid past, I'm sure that if we fast-forward a few years, 'Snooki,' who sometimes wears a hat that says "Pornstar in Training," will surely be delighting fans with a her own book, Snooki: A Shore Thing.
And while I may want to poke fun at the holes in her brain--which probably looks like Swiss cheese--she must not be that stupid. Commanding up to $7,500 an appearance, landing herself on Jay Leno, telling the world she thinks the United Nations is located in Albany, New York, Snooki has become as famous--at least today--as Staub was for being a "prostitution whore." This particular slur was thrown at her by pal Teresa Guido Giudice, better known for the table flipping episode during the season one finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
You have to look no further than Jenny aka "JWOW," whose temper rivals Teresa's, though because of her youth she gets more down and dirty when she's pissed off.
When a girl attacks "Snookers," "JWOW" says, "She called Snookers fat and that like triggered me, umm, so I threw my drink in her face." Makes sense right? But she wasn't done yet. "I was gonna try to uppercut her, but at that point I had too many bouncers wrapped around me. I just wish for like three more seconds. I woulda done justice."
Yeah, give Theresa a few more seconds and she might have been on Staub like a monkey smacking her in the face with that book.
But don't think everyone in this show acts like this. There is Vinny, the youngest and most mature in the house, and a self-proclaimed mama's boy (whose mom actually visits this hell hole of a Jersey Shore house the crew lives in, bringing him homemade pasta, undershirts and socks).
For a second, I swear it could have been Caroline Manzo from The Real Housewives of New Jersey delivering food from the kitchen of The Brownstone.
Like Manzo once and very famously told Staub, "We are as thick as thieves and we protect each other to the end." That is exactly how the crew of Jersey Shore seems to be operating--they all take punches for each other.
As for my new addiction to Jersey Shore, I echo "Snooki's" sentiment after she got clocked in the face: "I'm laying there and I'm like, yo, what the f*ck just happened?"
Follow Michael Cohen on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mcmiamisocial