Let me get something out of the way. The critics are right about one thing. And it isn't the surprising 1.5 stars (out of 4) that we received across the board from the weekly magazines whose pages filled with celebrity gossip and dysfunctional relationships parallel the cast of Miami Social. It's that Ariel is an insipid, tedious douchebag.
That's on a bad day. On a good day he's just a twat, and that I can live with. Even though he comes across like a shallow fool who hates fat people and pities girls that were born ugly, I know that beneath it all, it's really empathy, because he grew up a fat Jewish boy in Miami Beach. I know this because we are friends.
So behaviors are his old insecurity popping up in what could arguably be one of the best looking Bravo casts ever assembled. Or as the Los Angeles Times says, "the most vapid, foul, self serving group of people ever assembled in the entire world;" or as Entertainment Weekly calls us, "The Real Horrors of Miami."
Within the first 15 minutes of Miami Social I was hooked. Not necessarily because I am "one of seven friends that make the city spin," but, after all those estrogen filled Real Housewives of New York City (some husbands included) and New Jersey, last night's Miami Social opened with a whole new vibe and what I considered a breath of fresh air: two straight dudes talking about chicks and beer.
Those dudes are my friends Hardy and George. And it was a good first scene. There is Hardy, our very own James Dean, driving in his restored roadster talking with George, who is looking for a beer (surprise) and obsessing over his girlfriend Lina (again, surprise). Together, George and Lina steal the first episode because they are both hot messes, she more than he.
In what is the episode's cornerstone drama, Lina tells George she has to go to New York City for work. Being the doting boyfriend, George calls the hotel where she is supposedly staying, and, guess what? yup, there's no one there under her name. Scooby Do. Clue one.
Clue two happens when the her phone goes straight to voicemail and clue three that something is really shady is when a French operator picks up Lina's U.S. phone. Yes, George, she is in the French Antilles on a 164 foot yacht "entertaining clients."
Okay, so work plans can change, and in any normal relationship you would call home and let your significant other know. Not Lina. She just decides to ignore George for a few days and then like a genie lands back in Miami. "I'm at the airport," she spurts out. "You coming to get me?"
As far as I am concerned it could have been Delta calling that they found his lost baggage. I'm really still not that sure of her job, and I worry for my friend George. I ask myself, what woman keeps cheerleading get-ups around the house and entertains her boyfriend in them after they get in fights? My thought is, girls with questionable day jobs.
Of the women on the show, both Maria and Sorah seem well balanced because they are mothers. Well, sort of. Maria actually has a 13-year-old daughter, Angelika, and Sorah is George's mom, something that seemingly her new man, Gonzalo (a debonair looking Macho) is cool with. At least in episode one...
Sorah constantly worries for George. During a champagne filled gab fest on the ocean, Sorah tells Maria and Katrina that Lina has been hurling her stilettos at George during some recent fights; the front door to their chic condo is indented with heel marks.
There wasn't a care in the world that if one shoe hits George it will crack his head open. Instead, Maria ponders if it was a Louboutin or Prada, and Katrina, well she wouldn't waste her shoes on a man. No way.
Katrina also didn't waste time announcing her separation from Ben in a manner I thought was a little strange; she did it so callously. But maybe that's what it comes down to when the final arrangement leaves you business partners and "the best of friends."
But don't feel sorry for "Kat" -- she has things under control. Feel sorry for me because my poor mother had to watch a litany of jokes littered with sexual references about me being on my knees and on my back. She has had to watch me struggle through a crush on my trainer, fret about my aging looks, and now she's worried that because I have declared "I'm pathetically single," every lunatic in the world is going to come up to me with a marriage proposal.
Now, if my Mom feels like this, I can only imagine how Ariel's mom feels, especially if she's read some of the reviews. Katrina's mom worries she will never find a man like Ben, and, as you will come to find out, George's mom has plenty of concern over Lina. All our parents are involved with our lives, something the critics didn't seem to pick up on -- maybe because it didn't fit in neatly in their generalizations about us.
"The Socials," have no choice but to be amused by the media attention, myself included. Of course, it has made me think. I didn't realize that talking about Botox delves into my deepest, darkest insecurities and warrants me a callous, vacuous, self-indulgent homosexual.
All in all, though, I'm not worried. That's because we have Miami, our eighth friend, akin to the NBA 6th player. So no matter whom you want to hate on the show or whether you like us or not, Miami Social will be around for a long time. Because Miami isn't going anywhere, and neither are we (well, maybe a few are going straight to hell...)
Follow Michael Cohen on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AskMrCohen