Just when you thought it was safe to go out -- for Halloween, at least -- consider the news that the hell business has never been better in the great state of Colorado. Never mind the elitists who would have you believe God in America is hiding in some ex-urban hell-hole. In Arvada, Colorado, hell makes for damn good business.
Thanks to the telegenic hell-raiser Reverend Keenan Roberts of the New Destiny Church in Arvada, the Hell House comes pre-cooked and shrink-wrapped just in time for the scary movie season, a rite presented on the church Web site without attribution as an "in-your-face, high-flyin', no denyin', death-defyin', Satan-be-cryin', keep-ya-from-fryin', theatrical stylin', no holds barred, cutting-edge..."
You won't want to miss the "evangelism tool of the new millennium!" -- a tool kit that has persisted for nearly twenty years to scare the beejeezus out of adults and 12-year olds before the wages of sin set in.
"A Hell House consists of a group of horrific scenes within a type of haunted house," according to ReligiousTolerance.com.
"The customer walks through a sequence of tableaus designed to create terror and revulsion. The last scene is different; it is typically a portrayal of heaven. The visitors are then asked to accept salvation by repenting of their sins and trusting Jesus as Lord and Savior. Hell Houses are a relatively new evangelistic technique used by many hundreds of fundamentalist and other evangelical churches in North America. One intent is to proselytize the unsaved public. Another is to promote certain conservative Christian beliefs..."
The key balking points in the Hell House outreach kit have, natch, to do with abortion, teenage sex, satanic rituals, human sacrifice, and homosexuality. One particular favorite is the slaying of teenager Cassie Bernall at Columbine High School. According to legend, Bernall was asked by the killers if she believed in God, said yes, and was killed. Only problem is it never happened that way, despite the continuing efforts of Evangelicals to turn the poor girl into a martyr for the faith.
It should also come as no surprise that in the late 1970s Hell Houses were the brainchild of the religiously fertile Jerry Falwell, the late evangelist who founded the powerful Moral Majority to bring Christians into the mainstream of politics. Perhaps it is no coincidence that the New Destiny Church took up the torch in Roswell, New Mexico, a favorite locale of visiting aliens, before moving to the sublime climes of Colorado.
Thanks to Reverend Keenan and the New Destiny Church, hell has finally found a home right here in Colorado.