04/04/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Conservative Politics: Just a Talk Show

As a talk show host, I am immensely gratified by the political career path yapping that portends. I could become a talking points talking head like Mike Pence, the Congressman from Indiana who cut his bleep filling radio frequencies in his home state. I could wallow in the footsteps of J.D. Hayworth, the conservative former Congressman now ready to spank John McCain because the former Republican Presidential nominee is not nearly conservative enough. Or, if folks get scared enough about whatever, I could fold up my tent like Lou Dobbs of CNN and migrate toward the Presidential race in 2012, mumbling all the way about the way things are s'posed to be.

Were I conservative, I would have much to run on, but the beauty of my campaign is I would never have to revert to the facts. Were I to run I would take my lead from Karl Rove: the architect himself chided those sadly limited to "fact-based" stratagems. Facts are stubborn thing, for sure, but only if you care about them. Once you let go of things that actually happened, you can run happily as a conservative until the internet gives way to the outernet -- about the time being "weak on climate change" becomes a right-wing talking point in 2050.

Take pay-as-you-go: When President Barack Obama tried to throw the switch on legislation that would require new programs to actually be paid for -- and tax cuts to be accompanied by cuts in spending -- conservative members of Congress got more agitated than Joe Pesci pushing and shoving in Goodfellas. When the President suggested a slice in spending in his State of the Union speech, the people -- stage-right -- sat on their hands like they had to go to the washroom, like, right now.

As a conservative, you see, I would have the innate ability to oppose exactly those things I stand for -- tax cuts, pay-as-you-go -- because I am not a fact-based Pollyanna moaning about a balanced budget. Even without my talk show, I could still make a living as a talking head dedicated to scoring talking points in the name of "the people."

I ask you people, does it get any better than that? You can say anything, whether you mean it or not, and then go on your jolly way slamming the Left as the root cause of all things "pukify-ing."

And here's the best part, Mortimer. Should my campaign falter -- should the voters ever tell me to stick it where the sunspots don't shine -- then I have the best backup plan since former President George W. Bush, when he went back to Crawford to give his brush a haircut. Worst case, I can resume my pose behind the golden microphone, there to mangle facts as I turn mealy-mouthed liberals and their causes into mush.

Is this a great country -- or what?