This Week's Five Things That Are Already Old

Has it only been a week? It feels so much longer and arduous.

5) Michael Phelps Pot Jokes

Who wants smoked fish? After Mike takes a hit, he wants the breakfast of champions for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner and desert! That's why Michael Phelps swims so fast: he's paranoid the other swimmers are after him!

Whoa! Comedy wins again! Olympic swimmer, consider yourself taken down a notch! You ain't gonna get away with breakin' no laws! No, sir! You thought you were better than me with your 18 hours of repetitive swimming and inability to do things in private.

4) He's Just Not That Into You Movie Mania

In an attempt to set women back forty years, Hollywood has made a movie version of a book designed to make girls think the entirety of relationships rely on those big strong men who are so good at driving and voting:

I'm glad this movie is aimed at young women. I don't find self-esteem in them very sexy. Like when a girl decides for herself if we're good for each other, I'm all, "Ewwww, gross. What are you, a man who has a job?"

3) Barack Obama Remixes

In Obama's book, Hopes Of Our Fathers' Dreams Wrapped In Wishes, Barack Obama writes about characters that make a swear. Since black people swearing macht funny, the Internet has cooked up various remixes from the audio version of the book.

I know! If I had thought of that, I would have written the patent office and said, "boys, close her down, because we are done here!" There's no way this trend of taking audio book clips out of context could get tiring or repetitive! C'mon, Internet! Where's my Noam Chomsky orgasm sounds database? I'm bored already!

2) 8 Babies Lady

Stop it, guys. Stop acting like you don't want to be famous.

Everyone's breathlessly blogging about how this evil woman has threatened the life of eight beautiful Jesus babies by asking Oprah to give her a free George Foreman Grill. How could this have happened? How could someone have so many children for such a selfish reason? This is an outrage! I am outraged by this outrage! Where are the police? How dare she have eight babies to get on television? Someone should do a television special about how bad this is!

And so on and so forth.

1) Christian Bale Rant

How many YouTube videos does it take to ruin a pop culture phenomenon? I'm not sure; I'm still counting the endless Christian Bale parodies.

It's not that the video isn't funny. Oh, it is. Comedy comes from seeing rich people in power abuse the little people while no one comes to their defense. Charlie Chaplin knew it and that makes it good enough for Jeff Dunham. I laughed as hard as anyone, which is a lot. I LOLed. I LOLed my FAO. I even left a comment on the video that said, "JEWS!" because why not?

As long as someone can remix this together with "Don't Tase Me, Bro" and "All Your Base Are Belong To Us," I'll laugh knowing that people have changed the order of things I've seen before.

Comments

[Dukedraven]

Maybe I'm getting old, but these "date movies' trailers make me want to barf. Some trailers like "Star Trek, I'll watch over and over. I finally see people turning against Phelps in the comments. I'm one of the few people that totally didn't get him or swimming at the onset. I zapped him with my remote during the Olympics and everytime he appears on TV. That's so wrong, I know. Karma will get me.

[violimo]

Yeah Sully. but I can't get enough of hearing the transcript. Love pilot speak. You haven't heard the end of the 14 babies lady, she's just begun. Bale continues to fire up people, i've go into so many arguments. Phelps will fall on his flippers once again. Stay tuned. ARod's steroid test will probably start up the next week. The GOP's stupidity will run for four years i'm afraid. Obama's got to pull out some emegency measures, so his first press conference will feature large this week. you forgot Jessica Simpson, she will be tortured again as the scapegoat of the month. and probably Lindsay's lesbian sagas.

[propitiousmoment]

#2 - so true - exactly the tone of the comments I had the patience to read - pretty good bet that the ones I didn't read were exactly the same - thanks for calling them out

[rini]

I agree with it all but the Obama remixes. I can never get tired of the fact that we have CHANGE in the WH.

I am still not over the past eight years. Our country is going to be digging out of this mess for years and I am still happy that this president is trying to do something, rather than making things worse.

[MizK]

Mike Phelps should be number 1....I'm not smitten by Mr. Overbite.

[rini]

Yeah, orthodontists all over the world are probably unable to even look at his picture without cringing.

Good body, though.

[topazz]

You forgot Sully, the hero pilot. He's everywhere; I watch the superbowl, he's at halftime. I pick up a magazine, he's on the cover. I turn on the tv, he's being interviewed - not just once, but 5 different shows. I have a strong suspicion that a few of those 155 survivors are checking their own cash-in options against USAir right about now.