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This Week's Five Things That Are Already Old

03/09/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Has it only been a week? It feels so much longer and arduous.

5) Michael Phelps Pot Jokes

Who wants smoked fish? After Mike takes a hit, he wants the breakfast of champions for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner and desert! That's why Michael Phelps swims so fast: he's paranoid the other swimmers are after him!

Whoa! Comedy wins again! Olympic swimmer, consider yourself taken down a notch! You ain't gonna get away with breakin' no laws! No, sir! You thought you were better than me with your 18 hours of repetitive swimming and inability to do things in private.

4) He's Just Not That Into You Movie Mania

In an attempt to set women back forty years, Hollywood has made a movie version of a book designed to make girls think the entirety of relationships rely on those big strong men who are so good at driving and voting:

I'm glad this movie is aimed at young women. I don't find self-esteem in them very sexy. Like when a girl decides for herself if we're good for each other, I'm all, "Ewwww, gross. What are you, a man who has a job?"

3) Barack Obama Remixes

In Obama's book, Hopes Of Our Fathers' Dreams Wrapped In Wishes, Barack Obama writes about characters that make a swear. Since black people swearing macht funny, the Internet has cooked up various remixes from the audio version of the book.

I know! If I had thought of that, I would have written the patent office and said, "boys, close her down, because we are done here!" There's no way this trend of taking audio book clips out of context could get tiring or repetitive! C'mon, Internet! Where's my Noam Chomsky orgasm sounds database? I'm bored already!

2) 8 Babies Lady

Stop it, guys. Stop acting like you don't want to be famous.

Everyone's breathlessly blogging about how this evil woman has threatened the life of eight beautiful Jesus babies by asking Oprah to give her a free George Foreman Grill. How could this have happened? How could someone have so many children for such a selfish reason? This is an outrage! I am outraged by this outrage! Where are the police? How dare she have eight babies to get on television? Someone should do a television special about how bad this is!

And so on and so forth.

1) Christian Bale Rant

How many YouTube videos does it take to ruin a pop culture phenomenon? I'm not sure; I'm still counting the endless Christian Bale parodies.

It's not that the video isn't funny. Oh, it is. Comedy comes from seeing rich people in power abuse the little people while no one comes to their defense. Charlie Chaplin knew it and that makes it good enough for Jeff Dunham. I laughed as hard as anyone, which is a lot. I LOLed. I LOLed my FAO. I even left a comment on the video that said, "JEWS!" because why not?

As long as someone can remix this together with "Don't Tase Me, Bro" and "All Your Base Are Belong To Us," I'll laugh knowing that people have changed the order of things I've seen before.