Longtime advocates of failure panic as polls indicate possible success
With the increasing likelihood that, whether Senator Barack Obama or Senator Hillary Clinton secure the Democratic nomination for the presidency, the Democrats have an excellent chance of winning in a head-to-head match up with presumptive Republican nominee John McCain, the Democratic Leadership Council (DLC) is faced with a pair of daunting tasks: how to both quell the electorates enthusiasm for the Democratic nominee, and convince the Democratic Party membership to re-commit itself to the DLC's bankrupt conservative agenda and succeed once again in snatching electoral defeat from the jaws of victory.
"It's not going to be easy," sighed Rep. Rahm Emanuel, longtime DLC ally. "People are pretty excited by this election, and that's a lot of positive energy to have to destroy. The DLC spent years divorcing the Party from it's liberal roots, throwing water on any actual progressive passion before it could burst into flame and sweep the country. And then along comes all this possibility and hope for change and, well... oh, " sighed the Congressional corporatist zombie "What's the point of even trying if we're just going to win?"
Clutching a small terra cotta caricature of Zell Miller as a duck, Rep. Emanuel noted that despite all the DLC's hard work the mid-term elections of 2006 still returned a Democratic majority to Congress.
"God knows we did all we could to oust (Democratic Party Chairman) Howard Dean and his tragically productive 50 States Strategy," Emanuel continued." We wanted to run in targeted districts, hewing to conservative goals -- a strategy that has failed in the past, and one we had no doubt would again have been overwhelmingly successful in failing to achieve victory in 2006." Unfortunately for the DLC the only candidate that stayed loyal to their method of self-destruction was ex-representative and current DLC chairman Harold Ford Jr.'s, with his lauded "Even a Black Man Can Be A Ruling Class Stooge" campaign for U.S. Senate. Predictably, Ford lost to Iraq War champion Bob Corker. "Now those are results you can depend on! But Dean... he decided it was better to win... to...win as Democrats using progressive ideals and an aggressive approach, rather than respect the DLC's time honored tradition of losing as demi-Republicans!"
Contacted at Democratic National Committee headquarters Chairman Dean was asked if he agreed with Rep Emmanuel's assertion that the new strategy was " locking the Democratic Party into a tailspin of victory." "Um... yes." chuckled the Chairman, looking over news clippings of the record turnout in several Democratic primaries.
"That's just like Howard," said Joe Lieberman, ex-DLC chairman (1995-2001), and Junior Reptilian Senator from Connecticut. "When I was head of the DLC we had a plan that wasn't based on anything as ephemeral and transitory as victory." Basking on a stone in the sun to warm his blood the Senator hissed "We always made sure a dispirited electorate had to choose between the lesser of two evils, and with our constant toadying to our corporate overlords we knew that would never be us! Where does all this positivity and hope fit into that plan? These ideas of energizing the electorate, gaining a majority are proven failures. The Democratic Leadership Council was formed in 1985, and within nine years we had engineered the loss of a Democratic congressional majority the Party had held for forty years! And now Democrats want to return to that kind of fragility? And enthusiasm... You can't depend on it! All the DLC had to do was cut the Party off from it's Liberal base, distance itself from the Civil Rights movement, and shove a Free-Market, Pro-business agenda down the throats of the struggling working class of this nation, and poof! So much for enthusiasm." The Senator paused to snap a blowfly out of the air with his long, sticky tongue, then, chewing, continued. "No, much better to fight for something sustainable, something you can be sure of -- like a permanent minority! Always there, fighting to uphold the illusion that the needs of common Americans are of any importance whatsoever. That is what the DLC has always stood for, and it's the abandonment of those fundamental ideals that drove me from the Party."
But don't count the DLC out yet, says former President and ex chairman of the DLC (1990 -'91) Bill Clinton. "We're pretty resilient." the Ex-President said at a campaign stop for his wife, Democratic contender Senator Hillary Clinton. "Alot of people say the DLC is yesterday's news, that we don't have anything else to give, but here I am, every day, doing all I can to undermine my wife's candidacy. That's commitment you can't buy - unless, of course, you have alot of money."
Indeed, Senator Hillary Clinton's recent resurgent popularity does increase the DLC's faith in a possible unprecedented failure this Fall. Despite the polls, and eight years of outrageous Republican governmental criminality, the Council still believe she gives Democrats the best chance to lose.
"Our only mistake was trying to ruin her run too soon." The ex-president explained. "We thought we had this thing wrapped up last Summer, so we focused on fundraising from corporations, sucking up to millionaires, and took working class needs out of the argument so once again we could leave the plebeian vote to the Evangelical Republicans. But with (Senator) Obama's whole common people, yes we can crap we've had to double back and connect to the workers, underline Clintonian economic populism, whatever that is." He smiled broadly. "Of course, if Hillary gets the nod, it will be just that much more triumphantly suicidal when we ignore them later."
Clinton remembered his time as DLC chair. "Back in '92 I knocked real Liberals like Bradley and Jackson out of the primaries, then did all I could -- lied, had affairs -- to deliver the DLC its first loss in a presidential race. Then up pops Perot, who splits the Conservative vote, and bam, I win! Who saw that coming? So once in office I immediately broke my promises on health care, gays in the military, started shipping jobs overseas with NAFTA, -- which succeeded in losing us the House in '94 -- but what do the Republicans do in '96? Golden opportunity, and they run Bob Dole as their candidate! Bob Dole! The guy was older than toast. Hell, why not just pick Rutherford B. Hayes? I think they went to school together. Jesus!"
"Clearly the Republican's weren't playing along. And who knew what dimwit they might pick to run in 2000! So I went for broke, and thank goodness I did! Welfare Reform, deregulating banks, privatizing everything I found -- I stabbed the working class in the back as hard as I could, and still I had to screw an intern on the desk in the damn Oval Office, then bald-faced lie to the country about it repeatedly before Democrats were disheartened enough to stay away from the polls and allow George W. Bush to squeak by Gore in 2000! But now this Obama guy comes and...and..."
The former president was clearly upset while he spoke. "But I'll tell you this," he said, leaning forward and planting both hands firmly on Miss Heavenly Paterson, 26, from Truckloop, Ohio, "Once our work on Hillary's campaign is done we will find a way into Senator Obama's camp. Because regardless of how pitiful the Republicans are, how much they've undermined our freedoms and enhanced corporate wealth, and no matter how much of a disingenuous, obsequious, conservative lickspittle John McCain contorts himself into to gain the votes of neo-Fascistic holy-rolling troglodytes, the DLC will always be there, dependably, unswervingly, disappointing our base, and convincing America that Democrats are still the worst choice."