03/03/2008 09:37 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Michelle Obama: The Ultimate Capricorn

Capricorns are not usually known for their warm fuzziness. You'll never find anybody more loyal, motivated, capable, talented and supportive. They're dignified, polished, and always exude class, no matter what side of the tracks they were born on. You can take them anywhere and they'll do you proud.

But "kootchy-kootchy koo"? Not really. They can be as implacable as the monolith in Kubrick's Space Odyssey, incomprehensible as the statues on Easter Island, and sometimes controlling, especially if they get one slurpy taste of power. When they're turned off, they can be colder than Everest in the dead of winter. But when you need somebody to supply the rod for your spine, however, Capricorn is the deal.

So don't judge ultra Capricorn Michelle Obama (January 17th ,1964) too harshly just because she seems to have an ice chip on her shoulder and sometimes looks as she's got some bad back cramps after a long flight in coach. You have to understand what's going on with her right now. Not only does she have Saturn near the Sun and the Moon, but these days she's coping with Pluto as well. Maybe that's why she's acting as if she is directly descended from the Valkyrie. She's still perfectly manicured, dutiful, honorable, and enormously intelligent, but these days she's definitely sugar free. With Venus and Chiron in Pisces, though, she does have a sweet, romantic, and vulnerable side, but, like many Capricorn women, she considers such frivolity weak.

Capricorn women are good mothers, because they make sure the kids eat vegetables, get to bed on time, and do their homework. But cuddling with them under an afghan until they crawl away on their own is not an option. She's not the kind of mother to whom you would dare even to bring home a B plus, so you know that her husband knows damned well he'd better not blow this one.

We can't say if she's been scowling like that since high school, but the look of road rage she wears is one many Capricorns are wearing as well. As of this past January, Pluto has moved into their sign for the next fifteen or so years. To put it succinctly, they have had it up to their eyeballs with just about everybody. They feel as if they've been beating their heads against a wall, going on faith and good nature, doing good works without taking too many tax deductions, but what have they got to show for it? A lot of polite thank you's followed by a kick in the teeth. They are tired of playing in the minors when they know they could knock a grand slam out of the park in the ninth inning of the Series if given a chance.

So now the chance is here. Capricorns know that this could be their moment. No, not could be: IS. Urgency is upon them all. They have figured out that there's no tomorrow, and nothing is going to make the crapola stop unless they make it stop. They sense their mortality. They see the river of time rushing past them. They know that they have to walk away from one whole way of life and create a destiny of their own, no matter what the whole goddamned world thinks. So if Michelle Obama looks like she's got a wicked case of acid reflux, cut her some slack and know that weighing on her mind isn't last night's pepperoni.

She is fighting eons of social and cultural conditioning, so none of that walking-a-few-steps-behind-her-man business which, for her, would be like biting down on a big fat wad of tin foil. She is singing "Give it to me now, God. Give it to me now. That good stuff you're planning, give it to me now!"

So remember this: She's got Saturn in her second house and Pluto in Capricorn, so if ever you see her at a Filene's Basement sale, do NOT cut in front of her in line...she's into bargains.