Etiquette According to Emily POPE

The Pope is apologizing. How wonderful. Quoted in The New York Times today Pope Benedict XVI apologized for what some consider his offensive remarks regarding Muslims. "I am deeply, deeply sorry for the reactions in some countries to a few passages in my address which were considered offensive." Wow. A papal annulment is commonplace -- but a papal apology? Groundbreaking. "This is really, really abnormal " said Alberto Melloni, professor of history at the University of Modena and author of several books on the Vatican. "It's never happened as far as I know." Well, better late than never, I say. And now that the proper papal etiquette has begun... here's a starter list of some people in this country that his Holiness might think about writing some "I'm Sorry" notes to.

All divorced Catholics whose difficult decision to leave a bad marriage has condemned them to an eternity of burning in hell. I'm sure they lost a little sleep over that... better send flowers as well.

All unwanted children born because the Catholic Church refused to acknowledge the importance of contraception. Another rough one. I suggest you send each one of them a muffin basket. They probably had a rough early couple of years, so don't cheap out on the bakery -- send the good muffins. If the cost becomes an issue -here's a suggestion: Sell one of your solid gold hats.

All Catholics who went to Hell for eating meat on Friday before the church abolished that archaic rule. And as these tortured souls have probably learned to accept social slights after centuries of suffering in hell -- a simple note will do. I have no idea how to reach them, as I don't believe Hell exits, but your church created it -- so you must have the PO box somewhere.

All Gays. We too have been called "evil and inhuman" -- the offensive words you used to describe the Muslims in your address, and we have been called this not just by you - but by many, many popes for centuries -- so naturally we feel we are due for a heartfelt apology as well. And being gay, we certainly understand the amount of work involved in picking out the perfect note cards and addressing then properly... so, to ease your burden -- no individual note to each of us is necessary. We will be satisfied with a public statement comparable to the one that you made to leaders of Islam. -- something like: "I am deeply, deeply sorry for the passages in my addresses which were considered offensive." And Benedict, if you are really pressed for time - you can leave off t the first "deeply", we'll understand. We're very forgiving. Kinda like Jesus Christ.