This is Four Friday Funnies where from here on in at the Huffington Post, I will end the week, which is long and hard, with some laughs. Tune in next time. And, hopefully, this time.
You might have heard that supporters of Rep. Ron Paul's outsider presidential campaign were getting ready for another major fundraiser, scheduled to coincide with the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. A strong idea, one can imagine - after all Paul's supporters just put millions more in his campaign's warchest on the anniversary of Guy Fawkes Day.
But among quite a few Paul supporters, there was surprise, even some anxiety at the announcement of the Tea Party-themed fundraiser. Here was an actual message from a Ron Paul supporters' message board, repeated in many places:
Date: 11/08/2008, 23:37:02
Re: Tea Party for Paul
Wow, this is awesome. I've never been invited to a party before. What should I wear?
--Quoted text hidden--
Another December-related event was also planned for the campaign trail: a group plans to implore all the presidential candidates to have a "China Free Christmas."
But it looked like some Jewish lawmakers got a little confused by the suggestion that there should be a "China Free Christmas." This is excerpted from an actual press release issued by two chosen people who were chosen to represent their constituents in Congress:
"Boy, these guys are really meshuggeneh," said Senator Joseph Lieberman (ID-CT). "Chinese food on Christmas Day is a long held tradition among Jewish Americans. It's what my wife Hadassah and I eat every year."
"What, they should have us starve?" said Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN). "It's bad enough the goyim close everything else down like there was a plague on Christmas Day. Now they should make the Chinese shutter their doors, too?"
Rudy Giuliani's wife Judith spoke at a conference on breast cancer earlier this week. At the conference, she described the following scene from the third Giuliani marriage:
Mrs. Giuliani said, "Now, Rudy, of course, as we all know, is one of the smartest guys around."
"But," she continued, "when he was first told that his diagnosis -- after the biopsy, he received a phone call -- was positive, I watched his face as he said, 'Oh, wow. Positive. Positive is good, right?'"
Positive, she explained, was definitely not good.
Through my considerable powers of foresight, I've imagined some more scenes from the Giuliani administration.
March 2009 meeting with Botswanan president:
"You're saying about 10% of your population is HIV positive. Wow, positive. Positive is good, right?"
April 2010 meeting in the situation room:
"The Russians are putting their nuclear weapons on high alert? Wow, alert. Alertness is good, right?"
February briefing with Office of Management and Budget director:
"So you're worried that the budget has gone from being in the black to being in the red. Wow, red. Color is good, right?"
July 2010 Oval Office meeting with Treasury Secretary, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board:
"OK, so let me see if I understand this. The Chinese are selling all their Treasury Bonds. Wow, selling. Sales are good, right?"
October 2011 meeting in the situation room:
"The Iranians are withdrawing from the Comprehensive Nuclear Test Ban Treaty. Wow, withdrawing. Withdrawal is good, right?"
Finally, maybe Monday will be a bad day for you, but it could be a lot worse. A Congressional committee warned us that NASA doesn't really know where all the asteroids are that could crash into our planet:
"NASA's [Near Earth Object] survey program is our 'insurance policy' against getting taken by surprise by an incoming asteroid," said Rep. Mark Udall (D-CO). "We need to survey the smaller but still potentially hazardous asteroids that could do significant damage if they impact or explode above the Earth's surface. While the probability of such a direct hit is low, we in Congress have a responsibility for the safety of American citizens and we have directed NASA to come up with a survey plan. NASA didn't deliver a plan that would get the job done."
I'm sure whatever is going wrong in your life, it'd be a lost worse if a hunk of rock landed on Maine.