New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has asked the public for a time-out on Bridgegate so that he can invent a new explanation for last September's GW Bridge traffic debacle, according to an exclusive report in The New Yorker.
"We've been tossing around everything from my not remembering events correctly to my having a bad reaction to medication," Christie reportedly told a press gathering.
A source far away from Christie said on deep background that the governor rejected the diabolical advice of Mike Huckabee that he deliver a self-pitying prime time address along the lines of Richard Nixon's maudlin 1952 Checkers speech. The source added that another source -- this one inches away from the governor -- said that an unnamed Christie spokesperson said, "We're sure that Mike's desire to run for president had nothing to do with such a misguided suggestion."
A key Christie lieutenant has reportedly revealed Team Christie's one-pronged plan to restore the guv's presidential viability: The rush-release of a documentary titled, simply, Chris!!
One of Christie's dearest frenemies told a prominent film columnist -- who requested anonymity for fear of being disinvited to the premier of Chris!! -- that the film was inspired by the success of Mitt, the recently released chronicle of Mitt Romney's multi-year quest for the presidency.
Christie was reportedly horrified, mortified and gratified when he learned that Mitt catapulted Romney to the head of the presidential pack in a recent 2016 poll. Horrified because he hates Romney -- Christie's nominating speech at the 2012 Republican Convention virtually ignored the Mittster's existence; mortified to be trailing a two-time loser; gratified that a mediocre movie about a terrible candidate could so dramatically change public opinion.
It's too late to grant years of unprecedented access to a Mormon filmmaker, as Mitt did for Mitt. (Team Christie is denying any access to anyone but Rudy Guiliani.) Instead, an anonymous blogger blogged, Christie tapped Dick Morris, whom many regard as the worst pundit in political history, to produce the film.
High-ranking Christie officials confirm that Chris!! will feature vintage footage of the governor's high school days, when he was, in his own words, "class president and athlete."
One enterprising Tweeter -- hashtag Trash-hag -- claims that she broke into the studio where Chris!! was being edited and surveyed the cutting-room floor, where several scenes unflattering to Christie will undoubtedly remain. In one, Trash-hag Tweeted, a massive Christie sucker-punches a hapless David Wildstein, whom he barely knew and, based on that lack of knowledge, would later appoint to a plum position at the Port Authority. In another, the future guv threatens to block traffic in and out of his next door neighbor's driveway unless the neighbor agrees to chauffeur the 15-year-old around town in a limo. In a third, an uncoordinated Christie makes the varsity football team after threatening to reveal the coach's intimate relationship with an All-State cornerback.
In a barely-related development, Fox News reported that President Obama personally arranged for hecklers to boo the governor at various Super Bowl-related events. (A spokesman for the president is said to have said, "This is another attempt by Christie to turn lemons into lemonade in order to build up his conservative bona fides with Tea Party types.")
Late Saturday afternoon the Christie camp sent out an email intended to destroy David Wildstein, who stands ready to throw the slimmed-down governor over the bus in exchange for immunity. The "smoking assault rifle" among the charges, most pundints (sic) agreed, may be this shattering allegation: Wildstein "was publicly accused by his high school social studies teacher of deceptive behavior."
It's rumored that Dick Morris told Team Christie that while "going high school" on Wildstein was essential, creating a positive image of the Governor was even more crucial. A famed gossip columnist leaked a description of the documentary's climactic scene: The brilliant Jimmy Fallon/Bruce Springsteen "Born To Run" send-up of Bridgegate -- including the immortal line, "Man, I've really gotta take a leak, but I can't" -- was recut with new lyrics sung by Springsteen/Fallon impersonators. The film closes with the stirring theme for Christie's comeback: "Scamps like us/Baby we're Reborn To Run."