iOS app Android app More

Message from America


Memo
Date: 9/11/06
To: UBL
From: Sleeper Cell

Allah Akbar, God is Great!

I bring you greetings, honorable Sheik, on the fifth anniversary of our great success against the Infidels. Your words are again proving to be correct. The enemy is not worthy. They are the Google-glorifying, Blackberry-addicted, lap-dance loving, Starbucks-sucking, Gap-obsessed sectarians that you believe them to be.

They have the attention span of young goats and lack any resolve to fight you on your terms.

Praise be to God, on Sunday night, no less than the so-called American Broadcast Company, televised something called a "docudrama" about our success. Your embarrassment of the elected officials in two administrations caused great controversy. Despite the attention, only 13 million Americans watched while that same night, 20 million tuned in for a football game.

The following day, there was the obligatory commemoration where the towers once stood. As with each passing year, the crowd got smaller. Perhaps they didn't want to view their own inadequacies. As an American mayor said "You guys in New York can't get a hole in the ground fixed and it's five years later."

And there other signs that people here are anxious to forget.

Also on 9/11, in the state called New Jersey, home to many of those who perished on that day, members of the president's political party played golf and drank liquor while giving one another money for their campaigns. And while the president was laying a wreath where our airplane headed for his house fell short of the mark, just 40 miles away another of these golf fundraisers took place.

I'm telling you, they are unfocused. And confused. A survey here in America recently reported that more than a third of the Infidels believe that the destruction of their fabled towers was as a result of a "controlled demolition" and not the work of our martyr brothers. And those who are focused are more concerned with taking down their president than even you are.

The president spoke to America from his Oval Office. In his 15-minute address, he talked about what we did five years ago, and how his Administration has responded. He said that he thought Saddam Hussein was capable of doing what you had done and that is why he went into Iraq. This admission was a bonanza. It caused his opponents to criticize him for using the day to justify the war. There continues to be no need for us to try to affect the American political system. The president's own, American enemies are doing just fine in keeping him off balance.

There's more to report.

The morning after the president's speech, it continued to be big news. But he had to share the headlines with someone called Anna Nicole Smith. This woman called Smith is the prototypical American female: she showcases her big false breasts, and was willing to marry a man more than twice her age just for material gain. She then used the corrupt American legal system to hold onto her ill gotten wealth. And with these credentials, she commands the same attention as their elected leader. Although, she is sure to soon be sharing newsprint with something called Baby Suri that I've yet to discern. This country is indeed a den of iniquity.

Please relieve yourself of any concern that Americans will soon awaken from their slumber. Football is now an almost seven day a week obsession, and now they are enamored with something called Dancing with the Stars with that ugly American, Jerry Springer. While the latter may not be the anesthetic that was administered by the work of John Mark Karr in the Ramsey case, it will no doubt keep their minds far removed from border and airline security for a while.

It has been eight years since your fatwa, your declaration that "We, with God's help, call on every Muslim who believes in God and wishes to be rewarded to comply with God's order to kill the Americans and plunder their money wherever and whenever they find it." And those goals are being realized. And the Americans know it. They know you are winning the war. Just yesterday, a polling firm called Rasmussen determined that only 41% of Americans think they are winning on the war against you.

By Allah's grace, they will be proven incorrect.

##