There's a battle under way between the coloreds and the whites.
Nobody wants to talk about it, even though it's got nothing to do with race relations.
It's been brewing for years. The stakes are high. The survival of Christmas as we have known it is at stake.
To protect Christmas past will require nothing short of a rebellion. I want it to start right here, right now.
Let me explain.
Christmas is coming fast.
You know the drill. First comes the shopping. Then the holiday tipping. Next the caroling. Then Midnight Mass. And, finally, the gift giving. And all along the way, there will be decorating.
And that what's got my goat. It's those decorations. We've got to stop them.
The white ones. They are everywhere.
It didn't used to be like this. Not when we were growing up. Back then; we looked forward to the Christmas season, and Christmas decorations. All of us. Regardless of religion.
But how did we celebrate that special time of year back then? By putting up lights on our homes and along our Main Streets. Not just any lights.
I'm talkin' big, fat COLORED Christmas lights.
They were red. They were green. They were orange and they were blue.
They were bright. They were gaudy and they were everywhere.
And they were beautiful.
They were Christmas.
Every year it was the same thing. And life was wonderful.
And then something happened. We got a little more education than our folks.
Our jobs were a rung higher on the ladder than where they had toiled. And we moved into houses that are a little bit larger than the ones in which we had grown up.
And once we got there, we somehow decided that we were no longer colored lights people.
No, now we were white lights people.
Yeah. White lights. Petite, non-offensive, uniform white lights. The lights of power and prestige. The lights of suburban panache and urban glamour.
And so the colored lights were banished to the basement, or worse.
Well, I for one have had enough.
This emperor of Christmas present has no clothes and I am prepared to say so.
White lights are boring.
White lights are sedate.
White lights are pretentious.
White lights are for fakers
White lights are un-Christmas.
There - I said it.
AND I AM prepared to do something about it. I am finished with white lights. I am tired of being a phony. I am returning to my roots. I am going back to colored lights.
I want you to join me.
Go to Kmart. Find the colored lights. The bigger the better. Then pull out a ladder, and put them up. Everywhere.
Hurry, the survival of Christmas may depend upon it.