With the election cycle heating up, there's no question that many of us are starting to feel the drain of campaign fatigue. Though we all rally around the candidates who best suit us, there always seems to be someone quick to point out that individual's shortcomings:
"What about Hillary's e-mails?"
"Consider Bernie's stance on guns!"
"Don't forget Marco Rubio's Starkiller Base!" (You didn't hear that from us)
...it's easy to feel as burnt out as Aunt Beru after a visit from a Stormtrooper. We want to believe our guy or gal is the best for the job, but there's just so much derision from all sides that it's hard to be sure.
But maybe that uncertainty is the world's way of telling us something. One could even call it a disturbance...in our common sense.
Maybe so many of us are feeling iffy with our candidates because we've been waiting on the right one.
Well, ladies, gents, and non-terrestrial lifeforms, I submit to you that the wait is over.
It's time we put a Wookie in the White House.
That's right, I'm speaking of none other than decorated war hero and holographic chess strategist Chewbacca.
Celebrated across several planets for his many achievements, Chewie is the ideal candidate to step up and strike back at a system that is failing us. His strong handed and no nonsense approach to action has turned the course of several major conflicts, and his congenial sense of camaraderie has endeared him to heads of state the galaxy over. He's a leader who speaks with a gentle roar and strikes with a heavy paw. He's helped save countless star systems, and now he's going to do the same for America.
Don't believe me?
Let's look at the facts:
- At over two hundred years old, Chewbacca brings years more experience to the Oval Office than all of the other candidates combined. Furthermore, his status as a war hero in several different campaigns shows us he won't head into conflict lightly.
- Chewbacca has a solid history taking on big government, and his record speaks for itself. When was the last time you saw a Sith Lord at your local supermarket? Exactly.
- Speaking of, following the destruction of the first Death Star, even as his friends were given medals, Chewie eschewed physical awards. He knew that the satisfaction of doing the right thing was prize enough.
- Chewbacca's strict adherence to the Wookie Life Debt shows that he's the type that sees his commitments through and won't leave until all debts are paid. This is a plus when one considers our floundering economy.
- In addition to being buds with that guy from Corvette Summer, Chewbacca also has the ear of one of the galaxy's most respected governing Princesses/Generals, and he's known besties with a former American President (you know, the one from Air Force One), meaning that he'll received only the most learned council on all decisions of state.
- Some opponents are trying to claim that Chewbacca's strict commitment to the celebration of Life Day is contrary to American values, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Over the course of his career, Chewbacca has surrounded himself with a team of all genders, species, and droid-makes, and he respects each of their individual belief systems.
- In addition to Chewbacca's commitment to diversity, he's also shown a skill for being multi-lingual. This would certainly come in handy for foreign relations.
- There are those who cite Chewbacca's dealings with known gangster Jabba the Hutt as a negative, but, honestly, who in Washington hasn't occasionally taken money from someone they shouldn't have? Furthermore, Chewbacca and his associates righted their wrongs and the Hutt dynasty is no more. The same cannot be said for some of the deep pockets funding other candidates.
- What about the fact that Chewie supported the Rebellion, a group seeking to take power from the government and give it to the people? Doesn't that make him a Socialist? I mean, guess you could make that argument, but to be fair, the government in question was pretty much ushered in by a vote from Jar Jar Binks and only seemed to employ clones and guys from Masterpiece Theater (outsource, much?). It was time for a change.
- When situations get hairy, Chewbacca can see it through...because he's hairier.
Now, I know what some of you birthers are thinking: "Chewbacca's not a natural born citizen, and unless we see a birth certificate stating otherwise, he's just simply not eligible."
Honestly, this a totally fair assessment. But, there's also been some shaky details surrounding Ted Cruz's citizenship, and really, anyone who still thinks Trump is from this planet needs new glasses. In short, let's not get wrapped up in the details of origins, but rather focus on the forward potential.
Chewbacca represents a new kind of candidate, a new kind of platform, and quite simply, A NEW HOPE for America.
So, this campaign season, I'm asking you to stand up in alliance with only candidate who's willing to go to the trenches for you and proudly proclaim: "I'm with fur!"
This November, make the smart choice...and, as a wiser man than I once said: "Let the Wookie Win."
Michael Varrati
Campaign Staffer
Chewbacca 2016 #ImWithFur