Are you sitting on the, "Should-I-stay-or-should-I-go" fence, endlessly weighing the pros and cons about your marriage? You're not alone. But before you take the plunge to start checking the "D" box, consider the most important "divorce don't" of all...
Don't do it... don't get divorced!
Now, before you decide that I'm a religious fanatic or that my politics are to the right of Karl Rove's, let me tell you this...
I'm simply someone who has seen the fallout of divorce up close and personal. And I'm here to tell you, divorce isn't for sissies. Even under the best of circumstances, divorce creates new and unintended problems, particularly when children are involved. If you're a parent fantasizing of riding yourself of your spouse once and for all and dreaming of starting anew, remember this simple fact, "When children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce."
If you're still open to the idea that your marriage can (and I dare say, should) survive, consider what I've learned over the past three decades.
First, the facts:
* People who remain married are healthier -- both physically and emotionally
* They live longer
* They are better off financially
* They have more satisfying and frequent sex than their single counterparts
What you may not have considered is that unless there is physical or extreme emotional abuse, kids also benefit emotionally and physically from growing up with both parents.
Like it or not, your kids don't much care if your marriage is boring or unromantic, they just want you both at home.
You have one go-around & deserve to be happy
Before you say that I'm a proponent of "till death do us part", even if it means a life of misery, hear this: you have one shot at this life and you deserve to be happy. What you may not have considered is that you can be happy in this marriage. With everything that we now know about what's necessary to sustain a healthy marriage, there is no reason why anyone wanting a better relationship can't have one.
Having said this, if you've been fighting a lot, or are overwhelmed with feelings of contempt or, even worse, apathy, you probably believe your marriage is beyond repair. That's because you have grown hopeless. And it's hopelessness that ultimately ends marriages, not the differences between you. Hopelessness is the real cancer in marriage.
Consider this: No one is born knowing how to be a partner in marriage. No one.
The way we behave in our relationships has everything to do with our upbringing and our own parents' relationships. Unfortunately, many of us didn't have great role models. And even if we did, our spouse may not have been quite as lucky. Then what?
Good marriages require good relationship skills. Happily, even the most seemingly relationally-challenged people can learn concrete skills that can fundamentally change the quality of marriage. So, before you throw in the towel, do yourself and your loved ones a favor, shore up on your relationship skills and make sure that you're not throwing away a good thing simply out of a lack of education.
There are two ways to do this: education & therapy
Marriage education courses are different that traditional therapy. Classes aren't group therapy. You don't have to air your dirty laundry publicly. You take a class, absorb the information, practice skills in privacy with your spouse and then go home to put to the new tools to use. Even therapy-phobic spouses love these hands-on courses.
And then there's marriage therapy. But be warned, not all marriage therapy is created equal. Some so-called marriage therapists do more harm than good by declaring marriages dead on arrival as early as the first session! Be an informed consumer and know what you're looking for when you seek professional help.
Here are four pointers to start with:
* No therapist can tell when a marriage is over. If a therapist declares your marriage dead, find a different therapist.
* "Tell me how you feel about that?" -- a common therapists' mantra- prompts lively discussions, but rarely resolves problems. Good therapists teach communication and problem-solving skills.
* Talking about the past makes you an expert about why you're having problems, not what to do to improve things. If you want a better future, make sure your therapist is goal-oriented with an emphasis on the future.
* Seek help even if your spouse won't go. Good therapists can help you trigger positive change in your marriage single-handedly.
Bottom line, if your marriage is on the rocks it's a wakeup call. Before you make the final break, be sure that you leave no stone unturned. The worst feeling in the world is the nagging sense that you could have done more.
In my three decades of work with couples I have seen hundreds of thousands of couples fall in love again, many of which reconnected at the eleventh hour. It's never too late to create a happy marriage; all you have to do is decide to explore the idea of staying married instead of throwing in the towel. After reading this you may think I'm a psychotic optimist, I say, "That's ok, it's a communicable disease."
To learn more about Michele and her Divorce Busting practice, visit her on the web at http://www.divorcebusting.com/ or follow her on Facebook.
Follow Michele Weiner-Davis on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DivorceBusting
Dr. Michelle Callahan: The Top 5 Relationship Resolutions for 2011
I'm so thrilled to hear of your continued success. Thanks so much for posting and telling your story. You are truly a Divorce Busting star!!! Keep up the good work and best to everyone in your family.
Michele
Seeing your own agonizing clarity of your loss reminds of why I’m starting to take my own journey of sharing my story with people. I, too, left my marriage, thinking I was done—I had plenty of unconscious pain, my marriage was faltering, and I was plagued by a growing sense of hopelessness about the marriage. Through my divorce, reconciliation, and remarriage with my ex, I learned the risks of divorce, and the potentials of marriage. Psychology Today recently asked me to start a blog to share that perspective. If you, or anyone reading this, is curious or moved by my story please visit my blog and post a comment. I’m just beginning, so there’s a lot more to come: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile
If, Only Existing, we lived in a culture with more support, more stories, more information on healing and repair and communication, far more awareness of what divorce really means for all involved, maybe your husband would have made a different choice. I want to be a part of helping to shift our culture towards LOVING, not leaving. It’s a tragedy that the culture of “help” and counseling, as it stands, too often merely supports surviving a divorce, rather than preventing it and transforming the marriage to its full potential for joy. My heart is so deeply with you. I know what I almost lost.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Thank you for your wise, unabashed, astute and powerful comment. Through my own experience of divorce/reconciliation/remarriage to my ex-husband (see my comment below), followed up by ongoing research into what divorce really means to people, I cannot thank you (or Michele) enough for standing up for far more extensive education and awareness of the potential, numerous, and generations'-long tragedies of divorce. I just thing too few people realize all this, and if they did our divorce rate would plummet. Going through the agony of this myself, couples with being a science writer, has cemented my own commitment to do whatever I can to contribute to righting those tragedies. What you said about the 'grieving stage so profound it may rival the death of a loved one, perhaps more so'...it is all-too-true. I went through that myself, and it is, at least in part, what triggered the start of my reconciliation with my ex-husband. ~with gratitude, Rachel
So nice to read the words of a kindred spirit. And so well said. So, thanks for saying it!!
Michele Weiner-Davis
You and I are on the same page about the need to leave no stone unturned and the challenges of second and subsequent marriages. You are a real pro in this area so I thank you for your input. Keep up the great work!!!!
Michele
Grievously, I am newly divorced for a week now. I am a victim of the walkaway wife syndrome. In 2008, after 16 years of marriage and 3 children ages 14 thru 8, my wife went back to work after 12 years as a stay-at-home mom and declared she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I did everything I could to save the marriage and keep our family together. We were married in the Catholic faith and I deeply love my wife and kids. We went to marriage counseling, I read your books, and many others on marriage repair and communication (yours were the best), went to counseling & support groups and leaned on friends and family for support so I could hang in there. My wife never really tried to make things work at any time and has not sought individual counseling. We both stayed in the home for 2 1/2 years thru the conflict and legal divorce. In that time I lost two jobs, my father died, and we're battling huge debt & foreclosure on our home. The pain I have experienced has been agonizing. It has not been easy on the kids, but they are doing ok in a joint custody arrangement.
Thanks for your efforts - each marriage you save is sacred and spares spouses and children immeasurable pain and losses.
I am so sorry to hear your news. It sounds like you have so much on your plate, it is unbelievable. but at least you can say that you did everything humanly possible to keep your family together. So, if nothing else, I hope you sleep well at night. Just keep in mind, that over time, things will look up and you will land on your feet. If you need help, call our Divorce Busting coach for support through this rough time.
Mostly, take good care of yourself.
Michele Weiner-Davis
However, I think that the decision to divorce is very individual - there should be no black and white rules or guidelines - the only two people who know what the marriage is truly like are the spouses themselves.
Most of the time, children do benefit from the involvement of both parents but I'm with KathWriter - divorced parents can accomplish this successfully, when they work cooperatively together.
The comparison of children from divorced families to children in married families is made all too often and frankly really irritates me. It's just not that simple - there are plenty of dysfunctional married families just as there are dysfunctional divorced families. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days and we need to stop trying to cram them into the mom, dad and kids box.
I believed my marriage was unhealthy, sour. I was misinformed and very poorly educated about what was possible within a marriage. I agree that only spouses "know" what's happening in their marriage, whether that "knowing" is informed or educated is debatable. Not everyone knows whether their version of reality is really true, or if it really is a "dead" marriage. There is so much we are only just now learning about our incredible, deep primal pair-bonds.
Michele
Michele Weiner-Davis
Michele Weiner-Davis
Michele
Michele
Other couples, require help, skills and support to develop those habits and skills. It is sometimes easier to give up than to hang in there; however, the rewards of working through the tough times far outweigh leaving.
I agree with Michele Weiner-Davis’s approach and often use it with couples in my practice. Her book, “Divorce Remedy“, has become the bible for some spouses who have found the ability to hang in there until the marriage made a turn.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Michele Weiner-Davis
You are talking about extremes here and anyone can understand those causes of divorce.
You post served to add nothing positive to the situation at all.
What Davis is doing is a positive step to combat the absolute selfishness the "me generation" has spawned.
Perhaps you should start looking deeper at the work of Michelle. Maybe you can save a marriage as apposed to ending one prematurity.
I have assisted many couples to keep working on their marriage and had many people who returned to me as their challenges with life required new skills. I have also had people come to me in very extreme cases where they have been told to work on a marriage that later ended up in suicide and murder.
Not all marriages end because of selfishness but many people who are divorced get criticized for being selfish and shallow.
I was addressing Michelle's comment about running from a therapist who accepts that some marriages are not in fact salvageable relationships that are best "saved" and when a person wants to end a dead marriage they need help and support.
I am sorry that your former husband wasn't willing to work on your marriage but you do sound like you have landed on your feet and you are now relationship-smart. Thanks for your kind words.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Michele Weiner-Davis