"I have not yet internalized my older face," said writer Letty Cottin Pogrebin, when I told her of the book I had recently edited. (FACE IT: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change) Pogrebin is not of the vain variety. She is one of the founders of Ms. Magazine, an outspoken advocate of women's issues, a happy wife, and mother of accomplished children. Yet, this topic struck a nerve.
Maureen Dowd wrote a memorable column last year in which she asserted "women are getting unhappier." She went on to say it could not all be blamed on the juggling thing or the economic thing. Much later in the piece, she added: "Men can age in an attractive way while women are expected to replicate--and Restylane--their 20s into their 60s." Bingo.
Yes, my fellow Boomer Babes, you 'forever young' believers: there is a new 'problem' with no name. The first was that of which Betty Friedan spoke so movingly in the '50s, telling the Betty Drapers out there that it was okay to seek something beyond getting dinner on the table. She hit upon a festering malaise, highlighting the suburban somnolence of Revolutionary Road. Many of those issues were taken care of and now women comprise more than half the workforce, have proved you can be a good mom AND executive, yada yada yada.
So what's the new problem? Dare I call it Feminist Narcissism? "We live in a culture that on the surface has gotten away from traditional female roles," explains Dr. Vivian Diller, "offering us greater flexibility. Yet we have to continue to deal with the biological imperative that pulls us back to our original function as females in society."
She refers to the primal urge to mate, or at least remain attractive to the opposite sex. (As dictated by today's youth obsession.) In spite of our accomplishments, we do all we can (sometimes unconsciously) toward fulfilling what we have been programmed to do. "That urge and our current freedoms pull us in two different directions," Dr. Diller says. "The success of the Women's Movement in certain ways has made navigating our path more complicated, and at times, has brought disillusionment."
Ah, those "dis" words: distressed, dismissed, disenchanted. We talk to our friends and sometimes we talk to our mates about a lot of things that are getting us down. But how many of us really share what's at the core of this unease, this low grade depression? What's new about this one is that it comes with serious ambivalence. Hey, we got it all, so what's the problem? We are so much more than what's on the outside--- so why can't we just accept it and move happily into the next chapter? Why can't we internalize our older face?
"Start with the fact that women are much harder on themselves than men," says Dr. Jill Muir-Sukenick. "They often perceive and experience things through a highly self critical lens. But that's only half the explanation. Even with all their attributes, achievements and acquisitions, women may still feel empty. From the beginning, from their own mothers, the experience of love becomes associated with being obedient, smart, pretty. Unlike men, who continue to be "mothered"--by their wives, secretaries--women are expected to relinquish that and provide it for others."
As always, the way out is balance, between accepting our natural aging process and putting it in perspective. Realizing that beauty is a great gift but that being loved for the right reasons is the truest kind. Says Dr. Diller: "At a time in their lives when they should be enjoying their hard earned success, so many women have been made to feel they have failed somehow, failed to live up to an unrealistic image. Women need to redefine what success looks like."
It does not mean NOT caring how we appear, it's about taking care that we appear as who we really are. And knowing that most our comrades are as confused as we are."Sisterhood is so significant because it's a way for women to mother each other," says Dr. Muir-Sukenick. So It's time for a new movement, one about the freedom to face an aging face with pride.
FACE IT: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change by Vivian Diller, Ph.D, with Jill Muir-Sukenick, Ph.D. and edited by Michele Willens is a psychological guide to help women deal with the emotions brought on by their changing appearances. As models turned psychotherapists, Diller and Sukenick have had the opportunity to examine the world of beauty from two very different vantage points. This unique perspective helped them develop a six-step program that begins with recognizing "uh-oh" moments that reveal the reality of changing looks, and goes on to identify the masks used to cover deeper issues and define the role beauty plays in a woman's life, and ends with bidding adieu to old definitions of beauty, so women can enjoy their appearance--at any age!
For more information on the book, authors, and events, please visit http://www.faceitthebook.com or visit our fan page on Facebook.
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In other words Beauty is as beauty DOES!
I say the sooner we women realize that it's not our looks that should be defining us, but rather what we do with our lives...we'll be a lot better off. We need to ignore and blow off all this "vanity culture" we're living in...the ones who make it sound like we should always have to look like a 16 y/o prom queen in order to be happy. Let's face it, even they're not always happy. Also, you know good and well those folks in the fashion and beauty industries and Hollywood are only tapping into people's insecurities simply to make a buck
By the same token if you decide to go grey, not wear make-up, and let yourself be - you should be able to do so without pressure to conform. We really have choices and we are all different. Do what makes you happiest and be happy with your decision!
plastic surgeon and do the minimum. Have fun, life is
short.
If you're considering getting filler for frown lines.... it is ADDICTIVE. The filler lifted the frown away and made me happy as a bird with a fresh french fry! It IS easier to be happy when they remove the frown lines. In my youth I experimented with several different drugs and not one of them came close to making me feel as good, as long as that filler did. The botox eyebrow lift helped too. Taking the weight off of the eyelids makes it easier to open your eyes fully. It makes it easier to feel fully awake and engaged.
I sit up straight instead of slouching. I brush my teeth often. I eat wisely per Dr. Oz. I get plenty of exercise and a lot of it is balance work.... all of these things make me look better. But more importantly all of them make me FEEL better. And the better I feel, the happier I am. :)&-=
Thanks for the tips!
Embrace your face!
And I always go in braced for the possibility of the worst. Cause it's true, sometimes things don't go right even if you've done your homework and found someone great... (who does not too much, not too little, puts it just in the right places to get the best look) So far it has worked great. I feel good and look better. Not younger. But refreshed and better.
Enjoying the moment, getting closer to nature and being skeptical of all rules, but the Golden Rule and don't worry about the future, is my motto. My grandchildren are the love my life, I do yoga and eat well and enjoy the company of young me. Life is good.
The things that used to attract everyone to a youthful point of view have diminished. The music industry is dead, live music is hugely expensive (Giant Stadium) or it is remote and precious (picture the L train, if you are a New Yorker). It is no longer influential. Fashion is multiple retreads. We have seen it all before. What people really wear, they get at a discount somewhere.
Our lives are in our cars and there is no young or old to be found.
True, there have been some changes, but IMO, they are few. I'm curious what companies are staffed by the over-40 because all I hear about is age discrimination. Home Depot supposedly hires older workers and there's always the greeters at Walmart.
The post-menopause weight changes are just as bad, if not worse.
Unfortunately, what many young guys are getting is also the same toxic barrel full of pathologies that used to seen only among women. Young men are experiencing eating disorders, they are becoming as insecure about their physical appearance as women, they are becoming dupes of the same fantasy-fashion industry. This is progress?
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People get wrinkles just for getting old, whether they've "earned" them or not.
We really do need to have some clarity here, in order not to be obsessed with the entirely natural phenomenon of aging. And there's no value in romanticizing the aging process either. It is what it is, and in the end, everyone dies, wrinkles or not.
What's is good is if we get MORE than wrinkles as we age. It's very difficult for young people to be wise, because wisdom comes from experience, and the best teacher is often our failure to be wise to begin with.
I think this article, by emphasizing that we must "come to terms" with our aging faces, only adds to the list of prescribed things that otherwise intelligent women are now almost expected to worry about.
At least I have hair; better than half the men my age
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Look at this victim language, which really defines so much of what is wrong with the thinking of so many otherwise intelligent women these days.
We think what we think, and we feel what we feel. Ultimately no one - NO ONE - makes us think and feel the way we do.
The hard truth is that until we take personal responsibility for our thoughts and feelings, and stop making the locus of control in our lives someone out there - whether parents, society or whatever - we're gonna have a bad time.
If you don't want to be defined by the wrinkles on your face, or the sag of your breasts, or the cottage cheese on your thighs - then stop defining yourself by those biological inevitabilities, and stop worrying about others who do.
This is an inside job, and the only cure for stupidity is the great wisdom which is gender-free.
I'd fan you again if it was possible.
It seems like there's a cottage industry out there for women to beat themselves up about any number of things, but growing older must be at the top of the list. We must all grow old and eventually die, so put down the Botox injections, cultivate your inner being and grow old gracefully.
At some point, no matter who you are or what you do, you just have to learn to say "f*ck 'em" and start taking your marching orders in life from the only place worth taking them: the teacher within.
Right now, the matrix through which most people view our society is terribly oprah-fied. You can see the evidence everyday - once you have an eye to see - right here on these pages - with all the life coaches and ten cent gurus looking to make a dollar off of others' pain and confusion. And women are the major target market for these "helpers" - because women tend to be much more prone to taking their cues for life from somewhere outside themselves.
Whether that tendency comes from nature or nurture I have no idea. But it doesn't really matter, either way. It's part of our adolescence, and it is something that we've just got to grow out of - sooner or later - if we're ever going to wake up. To be a fifty year old women, and still driven like a teenage girl, is a good definition of hell.