I have been called the positive energy queen. But sometimes even a queen has a down day, usually alone and doesn't let anyone know. As a writer, I enjoy sharing the lessons in everyday life, even the ones that come on a very rare down day for the queen of positive energy. December 30th was that kind of day for me
I was in my room just out of the shower. I stood in my towel and began to cry thinking of 2009 coming to a close. For whatever reason, I was so focused on another person's success instead of all that I have accomplished that my heart began to ache with thoughts of all I have not yet achieved. For the past 16 years, I have been a single mom and for the past 9 years since the home invasion kidnapping that ripped through our life like Hurricane Katrina, I have been all about hard work, prayer, visualization, mediation, hussling up opportunity after opportunity-basically every practice but the positive thinking kitchen sink.
My personal world and business world were colliding, in conflict and I was not handling it well at all. My ego was winning. I was wallowing in my own pity party and, wrapped in a towel, crawled under the covers of my bed. I was focused on what I didn't get instead of how much I have helped everyone and putting 100% trust in the universe to take care of reciprocating. Big mistake. Just then, my daughter walked in the room.
I could barely speak. I was in the middle of the kind of good cry that requires an entire box of tissue and my stomach was practically in convulsions, quickly moving in and out with choppy breathing. She walked over and said, "You haven't cried like this in so long, mom. Something must really be bothering you." I shook my head. She hopped up on my bed and continued. "Mom, tell me what's wrong. We always tell each other everything. We are best friends."
As soon as I could breathe normal enough to speak, I sat up and told her my perceived dilemma. Her response: "You can't focus on someone else's success, Mommy. You can just focus on what you can do next for you to have success in your own way, in your own life." I looked at this amazing young woman in front of me and listened. "I learned that from you. You always tell me to think positive and look how much better my grades are. Thank you for teaching me that mom, for teaching me to be who I am, and now I get to tell you that you have to think positive right now too, nothing negative. Just keep being you, Mommy."
Our kids are our greatest teachers and mirrors that reflect who we really are if we allow them to be. My 16-year-old daughter's words of wisdom and love snapped me out of my self-imposed feel-sorry-for-myself session that, thank God, only lasted a short time. What is important to remember is that when we allow ourselves to go there, down into the dark pit of self pity, we must emerge quickly and with the compassion needed to be able to understand and not judge others when they are struggling with ego. My ego got the best of me for a minute. My ego wanted what someone else is getting. But what anyone else is getting has nothing to do with who I am. I realized that I can't allow that or them to influence my vision, intention and drive to continue on my path in a positive, giving way. My rewards will come through universal law and I know that.
It is January 2nd and I am back to living in gratitude for everything and everyone in my life, honoring them for their gifts and their own individual success, whatever that means for them. I got up out of my bed and decided, hey -- I need a new personal theme song and chose "Let Your Love Flow". I must stand in my knowing that success is different for everyone. I must stand knowing that my success is not wrapped up in what talk show I am or am not on or how many books I sell or do not sell. What magazine I am in or not in or even what awards my movie is or is not nominated for.
The simple truth is...none of that really matters. True success is not measured that way. The greatest success of my life walked into my room, is an amazing young lady who loves me unconditionally, and hearing her say "thank you for being my mom and teaching me to be who I am" is all the thanks I will ever need.
What is your new 2010 personal theme song? Picking one that means something to you, that you can sing and hum even when luck doesn't seem to like you, will bring you joy. The words "...let your love fly like a bird on a wing and let your love bind you to all living things and let your love shine and you'll know what I mean, it's the reason" are putting a smile on my face right now.
Happy new decade and may you sing all the way through an incredibly successful 2010!