Don't Forget To Have Kids

When I speak to young women about life lessons and TV career choices, I try to check off the basics of the business for them.

First, you have to love what you do.

Second, you have to be willing to start at the bottom and linger there until your moment arrives.

Third, you have to know when your moment has not yet arrived, even when others tell you it has.

Fourth, you have to be fearless and force yourself to get outside of your comfort zone.

Fifth, you must know how to make the most out of all your talents. That means if you're brilliant, lead with your brains. If you're savvy, go with your gut. And if you are luckier than me and are born beautiful, at least make sure you wash your hair regularly and wear a clean blouse.

Sixth, you have to learn how to face rejection (again and again) and learn more from those failures than your successes.

Seven, you have to perform under extreme conditions--long, crazy hours.

Of course all of this advice is not as radical as it would have seemed a generation ago. Most young women expect to have a career and plan to go the extra mile.

But what I find always gets bulging eyes and double takes is when I say something like this as my closer.

"Ladies, one more thing: and perhaps the most important thing I will say here today. If you plan to have a family, please .. PUH-leeease, do NOT forget to get married and have kids. And start now. Even in your 20's!

"Huh? Did she just say that? Doesn't today's woman have options? Doesn't today's woman need to get her career in line before she thinks about getting weighed down by a family?"

Despite the shocked responses I am sure to receive for blogging this, I know that the strategy to "put off" having kids and developing a family is about the most shortsighted concept I have ever witnessed among my colleagues and close friends.

Finding a job is hard enough, but have you ever considered the odds and the challenges of finding a good man?

Bad news, girls. The odds are definitely better on getting the right job than getting a good partner for life. Someone who will grow with you. Someone to develop memories with. Someone who was there in the beginning. Someone who will be there at the end.

Don't push away that chance if you're one of the lucky ones who find that partner. And remember, you can always change a job. I hear it's much harder to switch out a husband.

But let's talk about the greatest gift a woman can receive: being a mommy. For professional women, there simply is NO good time to have a baby. Putting it off only makes the challenges greater. Having babies after 35 increases medical risk and is, lets face it, exhausting. It is also trying on a marriage and a career.

Don't make your journey through life harder by placing rules on yourself like, "I can't get married till I get promoted to your dream job.

That's just ridiculous. Your "dream" job can wait, because chances are good that you will find this prize you so desired wasn't a dream job after all.

I say, "Go for it all."

A marriage and career could take a decade to launch and nurture. Why wait on either?

In my upcoming book, All Things at Once, I talk about the challenges of my choices, the costs of those choices, and how they led me to where I am today.

Marriage is the ultimate challenge, and like most, mine isn't always perfect. Nor are my husband and I the perfect parents. But who is?

Parenting is the ultimate ULTIMATE challenge, and as a doctor at our local ER will tell you, the strains of working hard and carrying your family often comes at a high price.

Those stories to come, and regardless of all the bumps in the road I had to endure, I still stand by this simple truth: You should go for your dream career but never forget that you're a woman who deserves a balanced life that includes a loving family.

Speaking of which, I've got to shut down this computer and beat the rush hour traffic home to see my girls.

After all, homework waits for no one.

For more check out www.morningmika.com.

 

Follow Mika Brzezinski on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@morningmika

Comments

[Borovnia]

I wanted to say how offensive it is that people on here are telling working mothers that if they work they are basically not as good as SAHMs. Firstly, it is a luxury to be able to stay at home & most couples cannot afford it. By supporting this notion that SAHMs are the ones who really care you're engaging in classism. Secondly, it is a false dichotomy that women cannot have it all. Where are the fathers to take care of the children? Why do working moms have to do two jobs? All the housework, cooking, changing diapers, etc. Why do you people almost always blame the women, but forget about the men? If a woman can bring home a paycheck, can't a husband help raise their children?

Also, I wanted to address how offensive some posters have been. Just because someone has not chosen your lifestyle & does not want children, you do not have to be so offended as to insult whole populations of people. And no, your playdates & snacktimes & gossip do not make a great impact in the world. If more people were like you, which parents tend to be self-centered enough anyway, the world would be a worse place.

[fifiNbrooklyn]

Oh, Mika, really? You're gonna tell young women that the greatest gift a woman can receive is children? Not self-respect? Not knowing who you are and standing up for that person? Not loving yourself exactly as you are? Just what your uterus can do, huh? Yeah, we've come a long way, ladies.

How about this -- instead of a "You can have it all. Just as long as you're a mommy." attitude, we all strive for a more progressive ideal of, "As long as you feel true fulfillment in your life and happiness with your choices, it doesn't matter if you have kids early, later or not at all." That way, we can stop telling girls to look outside themselves for their self-worth and maybe work harder on helping them develop self-esteem through making smart decisions.

[TJM2]

Second, you have to be willing to start at the bottom and linger there until your moment arrives.

Riiiiiight, because, god knows if it hadn't worked out for the Mika, she would have been on the street? NO, she would have been getting more help from famous daddy.
HuffPo makes me sick publishing trite platitudes from the epitome of airhead political "anal-ysts".

I'm sure this won't get posted, censorship being a prime directive here at the blog-of-th­e-person-w­ho-helped-­elect-Geor­ge-W-Bush.
Ha!

[AlphaMom]

Thank you for putting this advice out there. Too many young women who DO want both a career and family are being bullied (often by their peers as you point out in Part 2) into putting their career first. It should be okay to do both. I will say this, however...many men aren't very mature in their 20s so unless you plan to marry a slightly older man, the field may be a little narrow in terms of finding a guy who is ready to "settle down" at that age.

Anyway, I agree with the overall point of the post. So often, family is an afterthought and when women wait, it just gets harder (from a fertility standpoint and physical standpoint). Trust me, I'm a 41-yr-old mother of a 4-yr-old. I REALLY wish I could have had her when I was in my 20s. I often wonder how old I will be when I become a grandmother. Old is all I know. :(

[GTWiecz]

Wonderful advice, and I also followed it. I had my daughters at 26 and 30, and now I am 49, full of energy, still looking young, and an empty nester. We go out together shopping as friends, I have a better understanding of their world (I surprise them by knowing some of the young artists of today). I always wanted BOTH things: to be an intelligent professional and a wife and mother. I see women who postponed marriage or who put their career first being lonely and childless at 50. While my career also had some ups and downs, I had more time to invest in it since the children went started becoming more independant.

However, I find in America life is very hard for working mothers. Child care centers are outrageously expensive. Nannies are expensive. There are no federal subsidies and private companies do not have day cares. It is much easier in Brazil and in European countries. Therefore, I don't blame some women in America for being scared. Maybe telecommuting will make it easier for all.

My daughters are now 19 and 23 and they also want it all. They are in grad school and College and they know a career and making their own money is sine qua non, but they desire to have children not in their 30's, but preferably in their late 20's. They have a life plan, and so did I.

[s miller08]

I totally agree. She did say that if you plan on having a family, do it sooner than later. Makes sense to me, especially since I was one of those girls in her 20s who thought she had forever until a visit to the fertility doctor sent me crashing to earth. I finally have my baby, but not without many challenges.

[macohmz]

If you don't have any kids you don't have to worry about them getting killed.

[terentz]

Um, no thanks.

[SFSister]

Thank you.

Seven billion is more than enough. About three times more than enough.

Lots of orphans out there for people who really want to be parents and aren't so narcissistic they believe that the world will perish without their genetic material in the gene pool.

[18wheeler]

I am a 43 year-old South American woman who knew, at the tender age of 12 (when my first period happened) that I did not want children. I told my mother then "I don't need to menstruate because I'm not going to have babies"... I'm sure it shocked her, but I have not changed my viewpoint on maternity: it simply is not for me. I value my being on this Earth through so many different things. I find it sad to limit a woman's worth to her "childbearing" years...

[crabcake]

If you miss the boat, don't forget that there are many orphans in this world who would love to have a home.

[yankee48104]

I am 35. Almost all of my friends from high school and college waited to have children until their 30s and they seem very happy and the moms and children seem to be fairing just fine.

I think many of us who wait recognize that it will be exhausting and are careful about planning and making sure the baby and mother's health are in check.

I find this interesting especially as we see more and more women giving birth later in their fertile years. But I have thought long and hard about my decision to wait, along with my husband of 4 years. At 35, I know the clock is ticking but this thesis seems demeaning for those of us who really take time to think about what's best for mother, father and ultimately child.

I think the title is a turn off, thus the negative responses. It seems to hearken back to an era many women between 30-40 have been taught to see as anti-woman propaganda--very 1950ish...but the point is much less demeaning (I guess) for women UNDER 35.

[indamar]

There is no right or wrong way to interpret this article. There is a truthful reality of women getting so involved in their careers, that they put off having children until it is too late. I see nothing wrong with at least putting a bug in the ears of women who might really want to be mothers, to alert them that they can't wait forever. Being someone at the later half of thirty decade, I can say that rushing it when things aren't quite right is really a roll of the dice though that you should embark on with your eyes open. Sometimes in life you have to finally admit that you can't have it *all*, and you have to decide what is most important:

1. a great career and a good enough man to make babies with in your prime.
2. a great career and a great man to undergo fertility treatments with in your 40's.
3. a good enough career and a great man to make babies with in your prime.

There are many more combinations possible, but you get the gist. The divorce rate is almost 50% -- therefore the closer to good enough vs. great you veer in mate selection, bumps up your odds of being on the wrong side of the 50%. Now if you go the route of good enough in both your mate and career sections, you may end up with the prize of being a mother, but not a happy one.

[47songs]

Eeney, meeny, miney moe? Heh!

Perfect post. Just perfect, well balanced. Thank you, indamar. I've tried to say basically the same as you in my posts, but you've delivered with such eloquence.

[RileyCO]

Being a "mommy" is not a gift, it's a choice. Why is it that some mothers feel the need to validate that choice by claiming it's the best choice a woman can make? And why do parents often talk about all the sacrifices they make? Again, you made a choice, there's no sacrifice involved (unless you actually believe that your offspring are a necessary and precious gift to the rest of the world). Personally, there is nothing more boring than a parent telling others about the joys and sacrifices of parenting.

[Gelfling]

It's funny because for me I have found the opposite of the "boring" description parents to be true. I find people, men and women, who have never had children to be one-dimensional and missing a hard-to-define element of human depth. To each his own. However, I will say, that, for me, being a parent made me a better person in a lot of ways--and must less selfish and less short-sighted than I was pre-children. And, much as the word is derided in your post, parenthood truly did teach me the true meaning of "sacrifice."

[petef59]

Seems that many people believe 'sacrifice' is giving up their time for their own child - who they happen to be responsible for bringing into the world. Imagine if 'sacrifice' became defined by those things done for other people, not just genetic relatives.

[Pleneras]

Agreed. Not much to sacrifice when you can afford everything thanks to being born to rich parents and getting lucky in your job search because of who you are. Millions of women don't have this advantage and do have to wait until they are economically sound.

[mergina]

When are you going to get your own show?

[theaterdoc]

Great, diverse array of comments here. I personally loved what one person posted earlier: of course, if we want to have children, it is important to recognize that it there is never going to be an ideal time. Marriage is something that women can find at any time in their lives if they choose- there is no limited window there at all. It's a bit conventional for Mika to assume that marriage and children MUST and automatically do go together. I personally know several women in their early 40's who have been searching for a good man because they want to have children before it is too late for them. These women want children and are financially stable. If they have a support network, stable life, and a desire and abliity to mother, why not have a child (perhaps adopting, even), instead of waiting on a man? Not easy, but nothing is. Having a partner makes it easier, but it's never easy. I have a cousin who had 3 kids in quick succession in her mid-30's, boasting that "thank god" she'd found the perfect man before her clock expired. He left her, shocking us all. Fortunately, she's trying to be a good mom to her kids, but still....

[schemola]

Its totally a personal choice. Everyone's circumstances are different. Marriage is part of the equation for some - not all. Im 37 I have a 9 month old who I chose to have without a partner - after working a good 10 years to establish myself professionally. But that's me. There is no right way to do it, and not everybody wants to.