08/16/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Atlanta Pounds San Francisco in Sex Survey

The results of Trojan's nationwide sex survey shows show that Americans are living in Lake Wobegon-- where all the women are strong, the men are good looking, and the sex is above average. Yes, the average American believes they have an above average sex life.

I usually ignore corporate-sponsored sex studies not just because the methods are suspect and the conclusions self-serving, but also because they make people like me spell out the name of the sponsor. Still, this one's delicious. Two categories caught my eye--Sexual Frequency by City and Rates of Sexual Satisfaction by City.

Atlanta (my hometown) pounded San Francisco on both counts. According to the survey, the folks in Atlanta have a lot more sex than the folks in San Francisco, and the sex we're having is a lot more satisfying. Take a look.

Apparently, there's a lot of wood in the city carved out of the forest. If the results are to be believed (the city figures were done through online surveys which tend to be self-selective rather than random) the question becomes WHY? Why would a southern, sleepy town have more sex than Sodom & Gomorrah?

On the face of it, it doesn't make sense. San Francisco has a reputation as the most sexually adventurous city in the country; the center of sexual experimentation. San Francisco is the leather porn video capitol, the place where the first PhDs in human sexuality started; the site of the first sex film festival, and home to Good Vibrations, the first retail vibrator store.

Atlanta? We've got the airport.

So why do we have more satisfying sex more frequently than San Franciscans? Part of it is age. Next to Houston, Atlanta has the youngest median age of any urban area in the country (it's a fact--younger peeps have more sex). Part of it may also be San Francisco's "Glibido Effect" (after decades of coming first in every sex category the city's all talk/no action). If Sexual Quality of Life is higher in Atlanta it may be due to the boomerang effect of southern reticence. Meaning, what is not spoken of is acted on.

But the real answer is in the breakdown of what constitutes "sexual satisfaction":

1. Desire for your partner. Here, we beat San Francisco into submission. Atlanta is the China of beauty--we're over-populated with good-looking men and women. This is no lie. If you've ever been here you know what I'm talking about. A friend who visited me recently (from San Francisco of all places) said this about Atlantans: "They remind me of a wrench--every time I look at them my nuts tighten up."

2. Attention from your partner. Really, what good is sex if they're just going to lay there like a wilted flower waiting to be watered? This is Atlanta's trump card: Southern Hospitality. San Francisco's philosophy may be Anything That Moves but Atlanta's is "Welcome aboard!"

3. Sexual Health. Plumbing drives satisfaction. For men, this means you're NOT suffering with the two most common satisfaction busters: ED or PE (premature ejaculation). For women, it's Low Libido (you don't want it) or Low Sensation (you want it but your body doesn't).

There are lots of other factors that go into sexual satisfaction (physical excitement, ability to have frequent orgasms, use of sex toys, frequency of sex, techniques, etc.) but they're all subordinate to the three above. I mean, what good is being good at sex if you're not passionate about who you're having it with? That just makes you a skilled worker.

Taking all this into consideration I think we can safely say that Atlanta has a higher Sexual Quality of Life than San Francisco because:

  1. We're prettier.
  2. We're friendlier.
  3. We're in better shape.
Take that, San Francisco. You may have planted the flag on sexual expression but Atlanta's making it wave.