Simon Cowell's AI Spill: Time to "Top Kill" American Idol

I'm sorry, I'm a little upset. After watching Rachel Maddow's reporting on the BP spill, I think I need one of those "Top Hats" to stop my reignited fury at G.W. Bush and his oily-garchy, and how the slick -- I mean the "legacy" -- he left behind still manages to fuck the Gulf Coast long after his retirement. (I also need it to stop me from making "Junk Shot" jokes...)

But instead, I'll do what Rachel says BP should be doing. I'll drill a relief well to channel my bile in a different direction...

Look, I admit it. I followed this year's American Idol because of Crystal Bowersox. Hey, you did too. She's hot and cool, she's got that dread-head 'tude, she's herself...

You didn't think she'd win, did you? Nah, it was that other guy. (What was his name?)

Once again, it was down to two finalists: one that came to be molded and one that came molded. And America dutifully chose the generic brand. Which is just fine for Simon. After all, AI's business is not making people famous, it's making famous people. And I get it. I don't beshrew a company for pumping out its product. But I guess my problem is, how many great singers do we need? Let's face it, there is a seemingly endless supply of people who can sing well. Do we need to hear from ALL of them? And when does it end? Simon may be leaving the company but the rig's still in place spewing plumes of vocalists into the American star-hole, leaking into Broadway, Hollywood, etc. with no end in sight.

Did America need a Lee What's-his-name? It's not like there are all these song-writers out there in desperate search of vocalists any more than there are screenwriters desperately searching for actors. We have enough.

And, you know, Johnny Bravo might not have been Greg Brady but at least he was playing Greg Brady's music.

And what's so great about great singers? In high school I was a huge Talking Heads fan. The best one can say of David Byrne's voice is that he hits the high notes, squeezing those thin pipes of his. But he put those high notes there himself. Oh, he was pitchy. But that was the point: "The better the singer's voice is, the harder it is to believe what they're saying," he said. I agree. Same with actors. I don't believe a word of what gorgeous people say. When Shelley Duvall or Sissy Spacek is scared, I'm scared.

But AI is a democracy. Hell, every former art industry is today -- big publishing houses now decide what we read by "committee," film companies rely on focus groups. And democracy is, speaking ecologically, anti-Darwin. It's the freaks that make us evolve, and the people don't vote for freaks. Oh, I know AI is not aiming for art, so actual artists should be able to thrive on their own. But AI drills in their habitat.

If there's anything we need, it's more ugly actors and bad singers. Shoot some junk into the AI well. Or maybe AI needs to just run its course, just keep spewing till all the good singers in America are heard from and forgotten. Or maybe Simon's leaving will stem the flow. I don't know, though. Did you see the way they praised the Henry Ford of superstars for what he'd wrought?

Obviously, I'm not worried about Crystal and Adam and all those lucky songbirds, safe in captivity. It's what Simon's slick has done to the rest of the species that I worry about.

As they said to BP (and to Sissy): "Plug it up!"

 

Follow Mike Amato on Twitter: www.twitter.com/MikeAAmato

Comments

[HoldthatTiger]

04:40 PM on 06/02/2010

Sigh, the show is called "American Idol" NOT "America's Best Singer," it has been about the whole artist for several seasons now. As it turns out I voted for Crystal because I liked her better than Lee, but DeWyze is talented too (as rbnash pointed out, Lee has original material that is pretty damned good.) As long as AI is voted on by the public the winner will be determined by whoever pulls in the most active fanbase; talent is subjective anyway. BTW, I am actually a big fan of guitarist extraordinaire Casey James who, albeit far from having the best voice in the contest, is the total package as far as I am concerned--if the vote was only based on being a good-looking white guy with a guitar this year, movie star handsome James would have won hands down.

[rbnash]

10:27 AM on 06/02/2010

I don't get what you're saying about songwriters. Lee DeWyze writes his own material. He has cut two albums on a small Chicago label, Wuli, and he wrote the songs. Actually, I do get you: you don't get Lee DeWyze.

[shuffleoff]

10:46 PM on 06/01/2010

and...they stopped saying that it was a singing contest weeks before the finale. If it were still considered a singing contest, then Big Mike Lynche would have to be up there in the top 3...

[shuffleoff]

10:44 PM on 06/01/2010

Hey Mike...great post, although I was for Casey James all the way. His audition consisted of Kara making him take his shirt off and Simon not wanting to put him through. Glad the other judges outvoted him. He endured the cougar references, etc...bla, bla, bla...but was, to me the most talented contestant and the brightest and kindest. Anyway, just checked the status of the iTunes sales for the top three...and...it's Casey for the win! His recordings are selling more than Lee and Crystal (my second fav) put together...time for AI, Simon and all the twittering tweens to exit stage left...

[NHBill]

11:17 AM on 06/02/2010

If not for AI you would never had heard of Casey.

[ButImNotSureAboutU]

02:59 PM on 06/01/2010

Please, Siobhan was the only excitement and she was obviously too cool for Idol voters. AI won't die because Simon left, it will die because tweens and cougars will vote on looks and not talent. Unless something changes, a woman will not win AI again. Look at the last three winners, David Cook and his two lesser clones. Cute, white emo boys behind guitars guaranteed to be little girl and middle-aged desperate housewife friendly.